There's no place like home!

You know your trip to the Midwest for the holidays is going to be full of blogging fodder when the first song you hear as you climb into your rental car is "O Holy Night" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. You may remember how I slammed them last year, well they're still around and bringing electric joy to the world this season once again. It was very, very cold in St. Louis. A lip chapping 5 degrees with the windchill, and it was very, very windy. Thankfully I bought a super deluxe down coat before I left Oakland just for the occasion.

Activities, let's see. I hadn't been in Illinois for 24 hours and I had been to Target twice already. That's okay, I was just really happy to get my grammy out of the house. She took me to her favorite breakfast place Thursday morning, Petty's Family Diner, and nothing says 'I'm not in Cali anymore' like eye-stinging, throat burning secondhand smoke while enjoying your artery clogging Hungry Man breakfast, mmm, mmm, mmm. We went to the historic and absolutely gorgeous Fox Theatre in St. Louis on Christmas Eve to see The Radio City Spectacular complete with Rockettes.

Christmas was probably one of the greatest days of my life. See, my family in Illinois thinks my grandma is too difficult to take care of because her left side is paralyzed and she's prone to epileptic spells. They also think that she isn't very bright because they haven't spent any quality time with her. Well I talk to my grammy every single weekend so I know she's sharp. And so you have to walk a little slower with her, whoop-dee-shit. And so she may space out once in a great while, the worst she does is absentmindedly tidy! She just wants to be talked to and treated like everyone else. Shame on you to those of you who won't take a little time out of your selfish little worlds to make your own flesh and blood happy. (Phweew, had to vent that) So I took my grammy with me when I went visiting with my Bio-dad and my Daddy-O's families and she had a blast. She met another senior woman and they gabbed for hours like school girls. We drove through one of those seasonal 'Way of Lights' before we went home, and she had a perma-grin all day and night. I was misty-eyed for sure.

Sunday I took my grammy to church. And no smart-asses it did not burst into flames. It was the church where I was baptized as a baby and as an odd coincidence, the preacher who baptized me was there. He had come to attend the service just for the holiday, and there I was, little Lisa Renee all growed up. We drove through a couple of cemetaries to see relatives, and I gave my grandma the shock of her life when I told her that I wanted to be cremated, stuffed in a firework shell and sent up, up and away. Looks like I will never get around to telling her that I'm not Christian. Sunday night my Bio-dad presented me with my surprise Christmas outing; tickets to a Pink Floyd tribute band. Super appreciate the thought, super did not appreciate a thousand plus people smoking in an airtight venue for three and a half hours. Good news is I'm not coughing up blood anymore. My favorite pick-up line of the night was "You got real nice posture".


Top 5 things that tickled me about my grammy

5) Watching my grammy pat her knee and hum along to Joss Stone, Sigur Ros and Duran Duran. (She said didn't much care for Lisa Loeb)

4) Her mispronunciation of Tom Brokeoff (Brokaw), cellaphones, and maintain-ance men.

3) The god-awful 7th grade school picture of me that she refuses to take down. I'm probably discouraging any potential suitors, but it's too damn funny, here it is.

2) The four clocks she keeps beside her bed, more than eight throughout her one bedroom apartment, all different times of course.

1) How when she orders a cup of coffee, she'll pour the contents into her saucer so that it can cool, then transfers the liquid back into her cup without splilling a drop.

If I were one of Santa's reindeer....

I would be Rudolph

If I were one of the seven dwarfs....

I would be sneezy

A is for...

my shiny new 14" ibook with super drive. I am too cool for school!

Denied!!

So last night I went to Ruby Skye with full confidence that I was on 'The List'. My friend and I walked up to a woman holding a clipboard and presented our ids. She politely informed us that we were not on the list. I asked if there might be another list. She replied that it is possible that the headlining DJ may bring his own list later in the night. We checked with will call, and even approached the general manager. No luck. Tickets were selling for a whopping $35 a pop, and my friend I just didn't fell like it was worth it. We called our friends who were supposed to be meeting us there, to let them know we couldn't get in, and they told us that they had just walked in five minutes ago! We debated about sucking up the charge to join our friends, but we opted to call it a night. Thanks to the nice passerby who was kind enough to offer us some blow while we were standing outside deciding what to do.

Oh yeah,

As if falling in love and seeing my first opera weren't enough for an unassuming Thursday evening, I saw Michael Jordan filming a commercial or something in a laundromat on Geary Street. Dude is BIG!

Save the Drama for Your Mama

I went to my first opera last night. It was Eugene Onegin and man was the story over the top. The set was gorgeous and the music was very relaxing though. I would definitely give opera another go if the story was a bit less 'let's duel 'til the death because you danced with my fiance'.

Last night I fell in love!

I mean I have butterflies and a deep, deep yearning. His name is Roberto del Carlo and I met him at Gimme Shoes on Grant Street, and if I can't have him I'll just DIE! Of course I'm referring to an exquisite pair of $375 Italian boots so it will remain an unrequited love for quite some time, but oh his beauty. Footwear has me love sick! I've gotten excited over shoes before, usually trendy, attention getting, coordinating although extremely uncomfortable little numbers. But these boots, these boots.......I was born to walk through life with these works of art covering my feet!

I was walking to the ladies room at the office and as I got two steps past the kitchen area I stopped dead in my tracks; and I wasn’t even sure why until a second later when my conscious caught up with my subconscious and an image of a large, pink confection type box on a counter flashed in front of my eyes. I leaned back to peek inside the kitchen area and confirm my enticing vision, and behold, my eyes had not lied. I may be disciplined enough not to act on my dangerous sweet tooth impulses, but recognizing a tempation seems to be hardwired in my DNA!

Exercise the right NOT to Accessorize!

So a friend of mine here in SF recently joined an online social network of people from her home country in Eastern Europe. Her motive wasn't dating necessarily, but she's open to consider any intriguing prospects that may show interest. Prospects that is who don't wear fanny packs! She got an email from a handsome, well traveled, pleasant sounding man; however, she said that in his profile photo he is wearing a big ol' black fanny pack. And it's not a picture from the 80's, it's from last Summer. Shallow? Oh hell no! I obligatorily asked my friend if he was cute enough to overlook the atrocity, but I think we all know that no degree of hunkiness could make up for a style blunder of this magnitude. Listen up men; it may be convenient, it may be culturally acceptable, but it damn sure ain't gonna get ya laid!

Dancing Machine

You know you want to join us at Minna on Wednesdays!

Rocky Mountain Oysters

Now I had heard this phrase before, but I don't remember learning that it was so goddamned revolting. I am officially disturbed to the core now. I was trying to find annual festivals in Montana that may be of interest to large business owners. (The businesses are large; not the business owners)

Hooch + Shopping = Mayhem

It doesn’t get any better than free booze and brownies, and 20% off everything in one of your favorite overpriced clothiers, followed by some mid-week booty shakin'. Here are Your Majesty's favorite moments from an unexpectedly swilly night out with the girls.

5) Melanie’s ‘I’m not 30 yet’ dance at the bus stop.

4) Slurring “It’s probably the booze” to a cab driver who asked me if I had allergies after I sneezed four times in a row as I teetered into a Starbuck’s on Union Street to use the bathroom while carrying a cup of gin-spiked pink lemonade.

3) Mirella’s demonstrative objection to overpriced micro-skirts.

2) Making a snide remark to a guy at the bar because he wouldn’t move to let me order.

1) Getting asked out by a guy who once told my friend “You got nice tits”. Bonus: he didn’t even ask me my name.

Twilight Zone

So I have a good friend helping me out with a project in the office today, and since the said project is monotonously mind numbing, I brought in portable cd players and headphones so we could jam out to dance music. Yesterday I had this random flash vision of my friend cutting her headphone cord. About 15 minutes ago she called my name and when I turned around she was holding the headphones in one hand, and the length of the cord in the other. She felt bad because she broke my headphones, I completely freaked out that I already saw this happen. Did I see it or make it happen?

End of the Road

So my Honey and I are splitsville. It happened a couple of weeks ago, but it's been a slow dissolve. It was amicable, but of course it still hurts. I have a lot of work to do on myself, which I'm looking forward to actually. One day at a time. *sniff sniff*

Fit for a Queen!!!

Civic Duty (ha-ha, I said Doody)

I did it! I did it! Here's proof.

A friend of mine has a residency at the fancy shmancy Headlands Center for the Arts. Here are some pix of his mind blowing work from the Open House a couple of weeks ago.

Saw these Harry Potter knock-offs in Chinatown. Looks like our junior wizard is pretty proud of his Magic Wand!

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

I don't mean to rub it in, oh who am I kidding of course I mean to rub it in! THIS is where I stayed on Kauai this Spring. Well I am Royalty after all.

VOTE

Artists come in all shapes and sizes... And ages!

Follow Your Bliss!!

From The Best of Craigslist

How did this happen? I'm not quite sure.

I'm a good guy, some even say a great guy. Fun to be with, interesting witty.

I'm not.

I'm scared sometimes.
I feel alone sometimes.
I feel like people really don't know me.

This is why...

Days become weeks. Weeks become months. Months become years.

Six years at the same job.
It pays well.
I enjoy what I do.
I have a short commute.

Yet I still want to leave.

My entire life in New York.
I love the diversity.
I love the cuisine.
I love the 24/7 lifestyle.
I love being close to my family.

Yet I still want to leave.

I hate being tied down to material things.
I want to burn it all. I really do. I can't.

I commute, work, commute, sleep.
I commute, work, commute, sleep.
I commute, work, commute, sleep.
I commute, work, commute, sleep.
I commute, work, commute, sleep.

My days off are rarely my own.

Errands. All the things you have to do.

Grocery shopping, paying bills, washing clothes.

Take what you make in a month. After taxes.

Take out your rent.
Take out what you spend on food.
Take out what you spend on transportaion.
Take out what you spend on whatever vice you may have to keep yourself going.

Shopping, drugs, alchohol, gambling. Whatever.

Take out your phone bill.
Cable bill.
Utilities.
Cell bill.
Laundry money.
Gas.
Insurance.

Did I miss anything? Probably.

What do you have left?

Now add up time communting, working, and sleeping on a standard work day.

How many hours out of 24?

Shit, shower, shave, eat. How much left?

This is my point.

WE are ALL slaves to a system.
We are all stuck in some kind of routine.
We are not free to stimulate our minds.

We will never know who we really are beacuse we don't have time to explore it.

That is why I don't know who I am and it bothers me.

What has our life become.

Were we, as people, supposed to be living like this?

Better house, better car, better toys.

Are you happy?

Where is your time to enjoy life?

Who would you have become if you had that chance?


you are

bitter
broke
tired
poor
overworked
underpaid
unappreciated
stressed
depressed
lonley
weak
sad

should I go on? I could.

Burn it all.

Fuck McDonalds and Starbucks. Their products are overpriced shit.
The run mom and pop cafes and diners out of business. Fuck them.

Fuck tv.
The majority if it is mind numbing garbage.

Fuck mtv telling you what music is cool.
Go outside see a band that hasn't made it yet.
Pick up a fucking instrument.

Fuck the media for giving our mothers, sisters, and daughter eating disorders.
Fuck the media for making men insecure about their car, penis, house, hair.

What's 75% of your spam mail in your inbox. That's right.

The other 25% is for medication that we need after living the life they give us.

Push up bras, make-up, press on nails, high heels, hair color.
Fuck that.

Pride in ones appearence is one thing.

Being something you are not is something else.

You are beautiful. Stop it.
You do it because we've all been brainwashed. Wake up.

Do you know when a woman is most beautiful?
When she wakes up in the morning.

Guys, stop watching sports, start playing them.

Your missed commection is your own fault. Meet someone.

Meet someone real.

Become some one real.

Fuck material possesions.

I'm slowly getting rid of everything I own.

Eventually I'll leave New York. Probably the U.S. also.

I don't know where I'll go, what I'll do, or what I'll be.

The only thing I will have left is me. The real me. That's what I want to be.

Wine, women, and song. That's all I think I'll need.

Word of the Day

My Honey and I have an inside joke regarding words that begin with d-i-s. So I went online today to Mirriam-Webster to expand my ammunition, and found that this is actually a word!

discoing - dancing to disco music

When the back seat won't do

Love thy neighbor!

So my Honey has been staying with me for the last three months while he looked for an apartment. Well he's finally found a great place that's clean, bright, and conveniently located about 50 steps away from me! That's right, I won't have to go far for MY booty calls!

What has gotten into me?

I mean, you see and read things that are irritating all the time, but I'm actually taking the time to share with the offenders how irked I am. I was perusing the 'talent gig' section of craigslist and I see this ad:

Female Front singer WANTED for Rock Band
Drumer and Guitarist/song writer seek female lead singer for original rock band.
Age can vary, but 18-27 is desirable. Experiance is prefered, but if you have the heart and soul all the more better. We are leaving the position open to a pretty wide selection of talent so we hope to hear from all kinds that would like to fill the position.Unspireted Uncreative, and those who have stage fright need not aply,for we WILL be out in the music public eye."COMON" Yaall it's going to be fun.We all love Music all kinds, However our main goal is get back to the roots with it. Guitars throug tube amps,hammond b3, Tight rythem section amd YOU the female with the son-ofa-bitch-ofa voice. phone calls ok. Ask for Jimmy he's Amsome!! 310-***-****.

To which I posted a reply in the 'talent gig' section of craigslist:
These guys want their Rock Chick to be "spirited" but obviously not literate. What kind of a musician can't spell rhythm? And Jimmy may be "Amsome" but he can't spell worth a shit. Rock on boneheads! Smoke another bowl.

So I get an email today from one of the 'Female Front Singer' wannabees, and she writes:
I have no professional experience however I have the spirit and the soul to fuck shit up. I am into all kinds of music. I was a singer in my past life if that helps. No I am not loony tunes. Give me a call we can discuss more. I have tattoos and piercings, I am definitaly not shy I love the stage, lights, etc. I am the life of the party and an awesome entertainer I have a little fan club at the kareoke bar. And I can spell, I am rusty on reading music but I do know how I used to play the violin no I am not a geek here's a pic see if I match with the bands image...

She also includes a few skanky images of herself, oh and her email includes the phrase 'jarzeebrawd'. Well you know I just had to put her on the right track to the appropriate people. A good deed if you will. So I kindly sent her an email:
I am not the one you want to send your information to.  I was simply
replying to an ORIGINAL posting, posted by the rock band.  I have no
idea who they are, I'm not even in L.A.  Also, if you're going to add
specifically that you CAN spell, Kareoke is actually k-a-r-A-o-k-e.
Good luck to you, I hope you get in touch with the band, I've included
a link below to their posting with their email address for you.

Her reply: Thanks smart guy

My final reply, I'm a smart woman actually, and you're welcome.

I'm not in any way claiming that I can spell every word out there, but I think when you're trying to present yourself to be taken seriously, spellcheck for fuck's sake. Gosh I'm being such a Royal Pain in the Ass!!!!

Low-balling Bastards

Last year when my honey was selling some computer and music hardware on Craigslist there were a lot of replies from people offering no more than 25% of the value of the items listed. It's really quite insulting. I mean, Goddess Bless someone for putting themselves out there in the hopes of another's generosity, but yuck fou for thinking I'm an idiot.

So Your Majesty has listed her laptop for sale on Craigslist for $700 obo. I'm ready to go MAC. And you know what they say, "Once you go MAC......." Anyhoo, I got an email from a guy named Ricky who writes, "just by chance would you be willing to trade for a 5 gig ipod i need a laptop for school thank you". I do a brief ebay search and find that a 5gb ipod is worth AT MOST $150. I couldn't help myself. My reply-"Nope, no chance of that. They go for $150 MAX on ebay. Throw in about $400 and I'll think about it. Good luck.....Ricky".

I have finally posted pix from Seattle. Yes, that's a picture of the Royal Tushy, what can I say, D dared me! The Museum of Glass in Tacoma was phenom including their surprisingly delicious cafe. Mt. Ranier is one of the most glorious places I've been to yet. Peaceful, crisp, clean, good ol' country livin'.

Is the mail lady moonlighting as a dogwalker?

geschmackvoll

I was just telling a friend about how lucky I was, that in Berlin I got to eat at the most delicious vegetarian restaurant in the world! Be sure the click around and get to pictures of their desserts. They are "to die for"!

Material Girl Haiku

must express myself
i sure got into the groove
hope i live to tell

My feelers have been murdered

My honey and I have hit a bump in the road. You know I used to hear that relationships were "hard work" and I always thought that it would mean I'd be tolerating my S.O.'s behavior that bugged me. WAKE UP SISTER! "Hard work" means facing every ugly facet of how you deal with intimacy.

Very early last year I was so quick to boast about having a clean slate in the relationship dept. I was the happy bachelorette, but if I knew that if someone did engage me long enough to want to pursue, I had no baggage, I was ready. Okay, now I see I may have been ready to initiate, but to maintain.....

At this point I'm feeling feelings on every end of the spectrum. My heart aches, my pride is hurt, my ego has taken a hit, the little girl inside is scared, I'm angry at my failures, right now I'm labeling and sorting. I feel like I've worked so hard to be the opposite of my unemotional parents. I've tried so hard to tone down my anger and mood swings by vocalizing when I'm pissy instead of acting out, by cutting sugar out of my diet (ok truthfully let's say limiting my sugar), and to find out that my behavior yet again had prevented emotional and intimate progress, FUCK! I guess the positive side is that now that it's out in the open I can finally deal with it and move it aside, which is my intention, but a good friend had to break it to me that some other issue will rear it's ugly head in the future, and so on, and so on.....

Send thoughts of hugs my way

Haiku, a cry for help

much vino last night
loud early morning noises
white girl hungover

In the IRS we trust

So I did my taxes this year and I owed. Poopy. I filed a form requesting and installation plan. After two weeks I called to get the status because I hadn't heard anything via mail or phone, (very grown-up) and I was told that my request had been approved, my payments would be $25/mo, first payment due July 25th, but that my first payment needed to be for $43 as a set up fee. I sent my first payment in but forgot it had to be for $43 and sent $25. A week later I sent in a check for $18, cool, I'm caught up. I got a reminder letter today for my July 25th payment. I called and found out that because I sent in the first check so soon, it wasn't applied to my installment plan, but the balance itself. So the system hasn't seen a payment for $25, only $18, and it doesn't recognize partial payments. The woman told me that the computer system is REALLY old, and there is basically no human verification or review of the records. So I have to make a payment of $7 by the 25th to keep my account current, (and that has to be made at an IRS office because the IRS rep said if I mailed a check now it would never post to the account in the next two weeks) and then the $43 payment in August. Oh so efficient, I love it.

Best of CL

Do you pee in the shower????? Cast your vote Female - Sure Female - Gross Male - You bet Male - No Way

I was in a car that got rear ended yesterday. We were stopped at a stop light, and WHAM. It was my friend's 15th car accident, all rear endings. I was in the back seat with my friend's 10 month old. It wasn't terribly hard, no major injuries, but more than physical stress, it's really screwed with my chi. Seriously, I've been on the verge of tears since it happened and I'm in a funky haze. I'm just rattled, lethargic. Sure hope I bounce back soon, I'm supposed to fly to Chicago for D's sister's wedding on Friday. Please send happy healing thoughts my way.

Vroom Vroom

My Honey's got himself a new classy auto! Now all I need is a scarf and some really large sunglasses.

Eve's Conversation with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring..... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."

What happens now?

testing, testing

Miss Perfect Martha Stewart gets busted for insider dealing and now THIS. Nothing’s sadder than a public fugure falling victim to ironic misfortune. Maybe KITT had a built in breathalyzer back in the day.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!

Funny Ha Ha

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Your Majesty's review of The Lord of the Rings. I thought is was epic until the last thirty minutes. Seeing the new King crowned, great! Big hugs from Liv Tyler, yipee! But a half an hour of sobbing hobbits?! No more misty eyes PLEASE! Why don't Frodo and Sam just do it and get it over with?! But overall an amazingly engaging experience.