November 26, 2002

Delicious AND Not So Nutricious

Left over birthday cake with Pixy Stix topping makes a hell of a lunch I must say!

November 25, 2002

Rite of Passage

My co-working friend greeted me with birthday goodies this morning. Everything was perfectly packaged in a big Barbie gift bag. On behalf of Becky Hostetler I got a Barbie birthday card, a Jesus candle, Willy Wonka pixy stix, magic grow zodiac signs, a box of super absorbent tampons, a whoopi cushion, three types of stickers. But my big gift was a cashmere sweater. My very first piece of cashmere. I'm all growed up!

My neighbor friend called and sang Happy Birthday to me, handmade a crown for me that I wore at dinner, and showered me with gifts from the Orient. Shiny pearl bracelets, purple and blue Buddhist bracelets, a beautiful red paper lamp, and an amazing silk Chinese dress that's royal blue and silver, hot Mama! A group of friends took me out for sushi, and a few ladees showed up as a surprise! I got a gift card for Virgin Megastore and Origins, I got a sassy pair of striped tights, a mouth watering selection of chocolates straight from Belgium, a magic date ball (that confirmed I will be dating in December) and I got a TON of love from friends! I also discovered Wasabi Tobiko, what a fucking rush!
'Get Out Of Jail Free' Card

Happy one Heineken before I left the house to me, Happy Cosmopolitan chased by another Heineken to me, Happy four more Heinekens and a birthday komakaaaaa-si, Happy one last Heineken at the DNA Lounge to me! What an epic night. The girls gave me permission to break my strike for a night so I wound up glued to an adorable English bloke with great dimples. Superbooty was supah, it was more like a giant house party than a concert. I was having issues with turning 29, but after Saturday night surrounded by good friends and funky costumes, I've embraced it! Sunday morning I was embracing the idea of never drinking again. Thanks for the love everyone!

November 20, 2002

It's My Party......

and cry I will! According to my driver's license, I'm going to be 29 next Monday. Join me in erasing the reality of this startling fact this Saturday the 23rd at Bimbo's. There's to be NO singing, and NO funny hats. Wait a minute, it's SuperBooty, they ARE singing with funny hats!
Rude Awakening

My alarm went off at 6:30 this morning and when I didn't hear any traffic on Guerrero, I knew something was wrong. As I was getting out of bed I heard a helicopter circling above and I felt even more uneasy. When I looked out of my living room window, my block was literally bumper to bumper with police cars and vans, rescue units, a disaster relief bus, plenty of unmarked cars, and two news teams. I looked out towards downtown and because it was so foggy, I couldn't see the tops of the buildings, and in my half asleep confusion, I immediately thought that San Francisco was being leveled by bombs. I clicked on the tv and saw a report stating that a man had been outside my home waving a shotgun in the street in the wee hours of the morning, and there had been a three hour stand-off. Eventually the tops of buildings emerged from the low fog, and I was relieved that it was an isolated incident and no one was hurt. Okay universe, I've had enough excitement for today.

November 19, 2002

I scored 12 out of 16 with this little time waster. How about you?
Six Days and Counting

I had my first birthday recognition last night. My oldest friend got me a new journal with a cute little caption every few pages that read "I can't stop saying the F word", a book of thought provoking word problems, and she treated me to Hawthorne Lane for nibbles. Tuna tartare, lobster bisque, and pumpkin infused risotto with a pomegranate sauce. Turning twenty-nine may not be so bad after all.
On Second Thought.....

After finally seeing the Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson video, I no longer feel that Tommy's nose is his best attribute.
Crossing the Picket Line

I saw Duncan Sheik and Ben Folds at the Warfield on Friday. After Duncan's set it was announced that he would be at the merchandise counter signing autographs. I was fortunate enough to be one of the first star struck fans in line, and while he was signing cds and t-shirts I decided to conduct an impromptu interview with the handsome little devil.

qr Hey Duncan, how goes it?
ds It goes good, very good, and you?
qr I'm peachy, thanks. So are you married?
ds Nope, nope, not married?
qr Hmmm. How about a girl friend?
ds Yes, I have a girlfriend back in New York.
qr Harumph. Are you happy?
ds (not very convincingly) Yeah, I'm happy.
qr Well good for you.

I gave him two ticket stubs to sign and I told him the first was for Andy. "Who's Andy"? he asked. Oh, is he getting a little jealous? "My friend" I answered and he signed it "Peace, Duncan". I told him the next was for Reese, and he asked who Reese was. I pointed to my chest and declared "Me"! He signed it "To Reese, xxxooo, Duncan". Yeah, he wanted me. And you want to live in my fantasy world don'tcha?


November 15, 2002

November 13, 2002

Sounds Like......

Last night I was telling some friends that I saw a little fender bender in front of my house. A car was rear ended and the car in back was actually stuck under the rear bumper of the car in front. We were making gestures and sound effects embellishing the predicament when one friend blurted out "It's Autoerotic"!

November 08, 2002

Stuck inside because off all the rain? Well here's a little indoor activity that's guaranteed fun for hours!
"Blame it on the rain"
-Milli Vanilli

Yes, I have a few questions surrounding last night's events.

#1 Who's idea was it to paint the town red on a Thursday, before 10PM, during a hellacious storm?

#2 Exactly how many clubs did we pop into only to find that we were the only ones there?

#3 Why, oh why, in God's name, did I flash a gay doorman at a gay bar? He did let my friend in free for the stunt, yes he let the person with me in for free, and not the mad flasher, but what in the hell prompted it?

#4 At what point did I decide that 8oz. of vodka would mix well with four generous glasses of red wine?

#5 How did I bruise my left brow bone, and were there any witnesses?

In my defense, a night is certain to doom when Christina Aguilera's "Dirrrty" is your theme song. I did purchase a lovely pair of vintage earrings at charity event, there were no boys involved throughout the whole escapade (in part to everyone staying at home because it WAS STORMING!), and I was passed out by 10:30PM. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning on my sofa, still in my clothes including the boots, with the remote in my hand. Real classy like.

November 07, 2002

Red, White and Kablooey

How many ladees does it take to open a bottle of wine? Better yet, how much determination do four young ladies show when their buzz is in jeopardy?! Three lovely ladees attended Ladees Nite last night, and when it came time to crack open another bottle of vino, I failed as hostess miserably. My corkscrew actually broke off in the cork! We put our heads together and one of the ladees remembered that she had a pair of pliers in her motorcycle bag. After a tug here and a twist there, and a comical comment about our Motorcycle Mama being a dyke in waiting, we were all able to enjoy another glass of smashed grapes. Women are TOO resourceful!

November 05, 2002

November 04, 2002


I just got a set of pix back from Halloween. Out of 27 pictures I remember about 5. I'm in or took most of them, but have the vaguest recollection of it happening. There's Alice and the Slim Jim guy, the PowerPuff Girls, another Alice, the real SF police, the Super Penis, an incredibly handsome ExxonMobil guy, Becky and Lionel Richie, and a couple of shots of people spanking my booty. That girl Alice, is a skank!

November 01, 2002



I just tuned in to 105.3 during their all request Rewind Hour and so far I've heard The Beastie Boys, The Cult, Violent Femmes.

Sell Out

Ore-Ida's latest advert features that groovy classic from the 70's by Lipps Inc only with a few lyrical changes. "I just want to eat some, FUNKY FRIES"!

Bitter Irony

Yesterday in the mail I got a copy of the Kitty Holiday Catalog. Odd thing since I've never received this before; until my kitty went AWOL. *sniff*


I find it hard to believe that there was more action going on besides the hoopla that surrounded my ass. I read this Craigslist post this morning. And then this one and this one.

Selective Memory

I just had a flashback of me crouching down and peeing in the dark corner of someone's driveway with Martha and Becky standing guard.
Alice In Castroland

I began my adventure with Alice Cooper and a Spelunker. I heard a shout from the left "Hey Snow White"! I politely replied "I'm Alice in Wonderland". Geesh, Snow White is a brunette. A few blocks more into the chaos I heard "Swiss Miss"! I yelled back "I'm Alice in Wonderland"! Damn dude, Swiss Miss has braids. Worse yet, I got "I love you Britney Spears"! I proceeded to flip him the bird and scream "I'm Alice in Fucking Wonderland"! Ah well, it's not like they were looking at anything but my rack anyway. We soon joined my best friend forever Becky Hostetler,(the ugliest girl in 7th grade from 1983) Jailbird Martha Stewart, a wizard with a raven, and a store bought 'creepy guy'. Some get ups of note: walking legos, Sailor Moon, a walking shower, a guy with a toilet seat over his head with chunks on the seat, a kissing booth, a cereal killer, and my fav, Raoul Durke. Alice ran into a few of her old friends, the Mad Hatter, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, and the Queen of Hearts. Becky got to meet Barbie and TWO Strawberry Shortcakes. She almost peed herself, and so did I watching her in action. Here are some of the autographs she got:

"Follow the scent of your dreams to your heart"-Strawberry Shortcake
"Becky, you can ride shotgun in K.I.T.T. anytime"-David Hasselhoff
"Becky, 'Silver Spooning Becky' sounds like a great spin-off"-Your friend, Ricky Schroeder
"Becky, it's gonna be me"-Joey Fatone
"Becky, my house is not full without you"-John Stamos
"To Becky, such a pretty girl"-Rue Mcllanahan
"Becky, having the time of my life"-Patrick Swayze
"Becky, Tramps and Thieves"-Cher
"Becky, you make me feel like 6 million"-Lee Majors
"What you lookin at Becky"-Gary Coleman
She also got a rainbow drawn by Soleil Moon Frye. She is SO lucky.

It never ceases to amaze me, what boys will do when presented with T and A. Two steps inside of a Castro Street invite only house party, (thanks Judy) and a mechanic and Elvis were fighting over who was going to fetch Alice's boobs a beer. I was so buzzed at the house party, I forgot about my dating strike and gave Elvis my phone number. Looks like he's going to be checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. With our Curious George stamps on our wrists, we were free to leave and come back to the party. And so we did. Shaking my ass in the front room of 299 Castro, mingling with the tricks and treats in the streets, standing in line for the potty at 299 Castro, having my picture taken with a group of doctors pretending to give me a shot you know where, talking to a flaming Stanford student about Lewis Carroll, letting girls poke my boobs to see if they were real. This was the most exciting rabbit hole I've fallen down in a long time. A few girls passed and I heard one squeal "I want my picture with Alice"! Then alpha Barbie firmly stated "No store bought costumes". My intoxicated, cocky alter ego snapped back, "Honey, this is custom MADE"! Which brings me to a realization; a five hundred dollar costume and most people went home with a picture of my ass. I know, I know, can we say DOWNLOAD? You may think that most men are breast men but no, no, no. They just get a lot of play because they're closer to eye level. Put a perky posterior on display and you'll hear reactions from behind like "Fucking A", Have Mercy", "Ouch", and "Goddamn right"! It's amazing how fast five hours goes by when you're brain is swimming in Heineken, and before I knew it, I was getting chilly because the crowd was thinning out, and I had to borrow Becky's shawl for the walk home.

I could retrace my steps this morning from the trail I left in my flat at 3am. Shoes and back pack at the front door, wig hanging on the door knob, costume on the bathroom floor, make-up soiled washcloth in the sink, and fake eyelashes on the bedside table. War wounds from the evening are crippling pain in my feet from my platform mary janes, a sore abdomen from the diaphragm crushing costume, (seems I've put on a few since Alice's last run) and pleather burn on my biceps from **clearing the throat** bigger 'muscles'. My tush feels violated from all of the spanking, pinching, squeezing, patting,

I must admit, right now I'm still buzzed from last night. Of course it could be "magic cookies" I had for breakfast. It's going to be a Happy New Year fer SURE!