July 25, 2005

Time Out

I just had the most amazingly restorative weekend. Apart from a jaunt to the grocery store, I spent three solid days in my house. I fasted which felt great, I cleaned, rearranged, organized, updated, read, napped, and reflected. I got so much done but it still felt like a little vacation. How lucky am I that I am so unencumbered, that I was able to check out for three days without my world falling apart.

So I’ve been a little unsettled lately having found out last weekend that My Ex/My Neighbor has a new girlfriend. Yes it’s been ten months since we broke up, and no I wasn’t even in love with him, but this is the first time I’ve tried to remain friends with someone who I was so intimate with, (not to mention the first time a man has ever gotten to know me so well) and it feels strange thinking of him with someone else. Of course I’m happy for him as my friend, he’s a fantastic guy and it’s great that he’s found someone, but I can’t help but be a little jealous because I’d like to have someone too. And not just anyone. I could have someone if I just wanted someone. Now that I’ve experienced a ‘serious’ relationship, I know that I like it; that I’d like to have it again with the right person.

On the flip side, I just had to tell someone who I’ve been spending time with that I didn’t want to take it to the next level. The look on his face was devastating. This guy was incredible too. He was funny, smart, handsome, thoughtful, a real character. But if there’s no spark, there’s no spark. I’m not going to lead someone on just to have someone to spend time with.

I asked My Ex/My Neighbor what his advice was for me to handle this maturely and be okay with it. If the situation were reversed I can see him being all stoic and polite, he’s not very forthcoming with emotion. He said he didn’t think that he’d be mature and okay with it right away if it were the other way around. That made me feel a little better. And my close friends assure me that my reaction is normal but man it stinks. Thankfully I’m not so insecure that I’m focusing on the new girlfriend specifically. Of course I’m curious about what she looks like and how they met, and if she’s more like me or more like him, but that has more to do with knowing him than feeling threatened or catty. I guess there’s my maturity. I just need to retrain my brain into thinking about him as any other platonic guy friend I have. It’s difficult though, on a day like today, we usually walk to work together on Mondays, and I hear his car pulling in around 7:30 in the morning, so I know as we’re walking to BART that he was just in bed with her. But I don’t want to distance myself so much that it becomes weird and we never recover; he’s a good friend and we have too many mutual friends.

I know from experience it’s just going to take time. I also know from experience that patience is still a mystery to me. Guess there’s no better time to learn.

July 14, 2005

A co-worker who I joke with constantly make a crack about me not wanting to lift a finger to do any work. I told her I had a finger that would be no problem to lift at all! Good times.

July 13, 2005

It is such a mind fuck when your face feels swollen from novocaine but when you see yourself in the mirror you look normal.