April 24, 2003

Here's Robert's take on our L.A. adventure. Ah the memories!
I don't celebrate Easter, but I did miss not getting a basket this year. My roomie sent me this link today, it's better than any basket I could've received!

April 21, 2003

Perfection Surprise

I have several scenarios in my head of what would make for a perfect day, but Friday proved to be unexpectedly sublime. I went down to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk with my roomie and a friend of his who was visiting from Mexico. We rode nauseating rides, ate greasy carnival food, played in the arcade until we had accumulated 550 tickets (which we gave to a little boy because none of the prizes interested us), and got fake tattoos. We got home around 6pm and started getting ready for The Faint at the Fillmore. They were outstanding! The sound was clear, and the crowd was colorful and energetic. After the show we ventured out to the steamy atmosphere of The Hustler Club where I received my first, second, and third lapdance. Most of the girls were bland but two were remarkable. Check out Lexie and Madison next time you're there, these smokin' little ladies wiggle like nobody's biz.
Believe It or Not!

Sunday afternoon yours truly was playing in 9 FEET of water. My sweet, patient, caring friend took me out to Strawberry Canyon Rec Center in Berkeley and spent 90 minutes in a pool with my freaky, water phobic ass. I learned how to move my legs better while swimming, I was more relaxed in treading water, AND I put my head under water without holding my nose. I'm still need lots of work on the whole holding my breath and blowing out through my nose stuff, but I am really proud of my little advancement. Next item on my packing list; a snorkel set!

April 14, 2003

High Schoolesque Adventure

I went down to L.A. this weekend to see a friend of a friend’s band perform at the Hard Rock CafĂ©. I felt like a teenager again, piling in a van to go see a local band, mixing my booze with a bottled beverage, sneaking around a neighborhood at four in the morning, and lots, and lots, and lots of laughs!

Her Majesty’s Top 10 From Kiss the Girl in L.A.

#10 Being a Trendsetter
Saturday I was severely sleep deprived, but decided to stay and extra day for the spontaneous adventure. I left the hotel for brunch while in my jammies, and later on visited the Getty Museum and had dinner still in my jammies. Don't be surprised when this new trend goes global.

#9 Our Moving Violation
You find ways of amusing yourself on a six-hour road trip. While the Beastie Boys were blasting, the boys in the van started head banging, which escalated into slamming into each other, and from there became bodies leaping over seats, bodies being pushed over seats, choke holds, and multiple middle fingers aimed at the video camera.

#8 Getting Back to Basics
In an effort to keep weekend costs to a minimum, my friend and I bought a fifth of tequila and walked around a neighborhood close to the venue, mixing the hooch with lemon-lime mineral water rather than buying over-priced cocktails at the bar. I had flashbacks of sneaking out of my room in tenth grade and drinking Southern Comfort at the bus stop.

#7 The Desperate Dressing Room Impromptu
We ran into traffic on the way in to L.A. so we were denied the luxury of stopping by the hotel before the show to get beautiful. In overalls with a dew rag on my head, this white girl needed to primp! My friend and I popped in to the bathroom of the near by Bed Bath and Beyond and spent about an hour styling our hair, painting our faces, and selecting our wardrobe. Can we now add resourceful to our resumes?

#6 The Heartfelt Offer
A guy at Hard Rock was wearing a t-shirt that read “I’ll do what your last boyfriend wouldn’t”. My tipsy self scrambled over and whispered what my last boyfriend, The Brit’s, objection was. He offered to take me to his truck, and later offered his brother’s services as well. I declined but thanked him for the sentiment.

#5 Sign of the Times
We stopped at a Foster’s Freeze on the way home and although our frozen treats were sugary satisfaction, the mood of the van was left sour after seeing the flyer that was taped to the drive-through window. It was a promotion for David Coverdale announcing his performance in a Wal*mart parking lot the previous afternoon. To add to the humiliation, under his name in parenthesis they squeezed in (singer of Whitesnake). His manager is the devil!

#4 The Clever Play on Words
We were in the van talking about the stiffness that one gets from too much computer use and someone thought it was called corpol tunnel. Immediately Robert launches into character. He starts shouting with a perfect drill sergeant tone, “I am Corporal Tunnel! I am going to put you in a world of pain! Click the mouse! Repeat! Repeat! Repeat!”

#3 Terrorizing Suburbia
So after the band performed Friday night we went back and partied in the hotel room for a while. Around 3:30 Jack asked if I want to go for a walk and we ended up wandering around a suburban neighborhood in search of something to claim as a souvenir. I was hoping to find a groovy little lawn gnome. The best we could do was a two foot, American flag patterned pin wheel. Over the weekend it made it’s way to the top of our mini van, into the hotel pool, and finally resting in the median about a block away from it's original yard.

#2 The Tuber Puns
On our way home Sunday we stopped in the middle of nowhere for lunch. This place could have just as easily been found in the mid-west. The tabletop surface was covered with pictures of firearms and the waitresses still donned big bangs. After looking at the menu Jamie blurts out that ‘country potatoes’ sounds like a good name for a band. Jack sang, “Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be french fries”. I added in a Southern accent, “Howdy we’re the Country Potatoes. We’re from Idaho and I’m Russ. Join us in welcoming our bassist, he’s new, and never mind our pothead drummer he’s probably baked”. We were howling!

#1 Mobile Directing
The seating arrangement for the ride home was me sitting in the last seat of the van with Jack, Robert in the middle seat with Shawn, Jamie in the passenger seat, and his girlfriend Danielle driving. Robert had a great idea for a skit so we sat the camera on the dashboard facing back, and hit record. It starts with the focus on Jack and I smooching in the back. Seconds later Danielle and Jamie lean in for a quick peck. Shawn and Robert note the little smooch. They then turn around and look at us kissing, and face forward again. Simultaneously Shawn and Robert make eye contact with each other and lean in for a passionate kiss. Robert noted the caption should read 'Kiss the girl ?'

Okay the real #1 is the show of course. Our boys rocked the cafe hard! They had the most fans, the closest to the stage fans, and they're music was simply the best!
Pictures are on your Majesty's photo page and we should have the edited footage of the trip in the near future. Until then this is Your Majesty saying rock out and roll on!
Like, I can't believe the Kelly Osborne concert was cancelled last night. If they cancel Lisa Marie Presley when she comes I'll just die!
I am The Queen of Time Wasters
Request to have the wool removed from over my eyes please.
I should be packing for the big move but instead........

April 10, 2003

Friendly Concern

In reference to my Hawaii adventure, I was reminded to NOT pick up any Tiki Idols I may find washed ashore. Will DO! The last thing this non-swimmer needs is a water related mishap.

April 09, 2003

p.s. to "These Are The People"

I was just down at my corner market and the owner told me that the police escorted the junkie out of the laundromat with a heroin filled needle in her arm, and then told her they didn't want to see her around there anymore, as they drove away.
I'm beginning to feel an aching in my solar plexus when I think about not hanging out with my friends on a regular basis. A friend told me last night that I'll feel much better when I'm on the plane, taking off for my adventure. I just need to express how much love I have for my tribe right now. I only hope that I've been as good a friend as I know mine have been for me.
These Are The People In Your Neighborhood.......

You know it's time to move when you're doing your laundry at the local mat and you have to call the police to remove the junkie who's shooting up five feet away from you. This mangy looking woman staggered in and leaned over the garbage can and I thought she was just rummaging through the trash. Several minutes passed and she was still there but her back was to me so I didn't see what she was doing. The owner of the laundromat came in and walked around to where she could see what the druggie was doing, and motioned for me to walk outside. We called the SFPD who arrived about ten minutes later. The silver lining is that neighbors around the mat kept popping in and asking me if I was okay while I pulled my clothes out of the dryer, and asked if I wanted them to wait with me for the police. That's community.

Between the catty stares from women at a concert last night, and the cat calls from men while out running errands this morning, it's confirmed that stick straight hair suits me well. And now a word from our sponsor. The Farouk Ceramic Hairstyling Iron. Who cares that it costs over a hundred bucks, you'll look like a million! Curls are SO last week.
Bjork's Competition

I finally got to see Sigur Ros last night at the Paramount theatre in Oakland. An opulent venue and a captivating show. I've never sat for an entire music performance yet I was filled with this beautiful vibration that left a permanent grin on my face. I think I sat on the edge of my seat with my chin in my hands for almost the entire set. Those Icelandic men know how to stir the soul!

April 04, 2003

Satisfying Sunday

Sunday morning I joined my roomie for his interview with Bravo for their new reality series Gay Date. Fifteen men competing for a date with one man. My roomie was the only one who brought his "hag", they got a kick out of that. At one point the interviewer introduced himself as Peter, the guy he was shaking hands with said his name was Paul, and someone shouted out "And we're all Mary'! We ran into a few other gay boys we knew while we were there, it's a small gay world.

For lunch we picked up Brothers In Law barbecue which we've never treated ourselves to, and ate sloppy ribs on our roof deck overlooking the city. We commented that it didn't get any better than this. I was right. I've had digestion issues ever since eating that damn dirty pig!

Sunday afternoon we walked down to El Rio for live Salsa music and kick-ass margaritas. Now it's usually a pretty much gay crowd, but Sunday it sounded like a thousand tires leaking air. There were a surprising amount of fashion blunders this warm and sunny afternoon. One friend commented that he thought as soon as a man sucks dick is tendency to wear bad things went right out the window. We joked that maybe a few didn't stick one in all the way, perhaps they just licked it a little. Here are the top three fashion no-nos.
#3 Fresh off the Yacht - Late forties, very handsome, slick back gray hair, navy blue polo shirt, khaki shorts, and loafers with no socks on! I wanted to call him Biff and ask him where Muffy was.
#2 Hasn't purchased clothes since the early nineties - Late thirties, plain looking, dull blondish hair, a washed entirely too much to be worn in public white t-shirt, denim shorts that hung just a little too far below the knee, and white socks pulled up to his calves with white sneakers. Someone give that man a calendar!
#1 The International Male - Mid-thirties, plain looking, badly dyed blonde hair, a wheat colored sweater vest with only his abnormally overgrown muscles bulging from underneath, jeans and flip-flops. Sweetie, leave the house to buy your clothes from now on!

These are merely observations people. I think hair, make-up and clothes are all free reign because they can be changed. You know that I would never make fun of a fundamental characteristic. Not out loud anyway!

April 03, 2003

Royal Treatment

Last Friday night I went to a friend's house and he made dinner for me. We gorged ourselves sick on foire gras, cheese and bread, a scrumptuous green salad with seared scallops, pasta with mushrooms, and the sweetest homemade pecan pie this side of the Mississippi. I had a whole PIE made for me, how you like me now?
Smack of Reality

Yesterday I traded my Bose Wave Radio/Cd player and a hundred bucks for a brand new MP3 player. While making the deal I knew it was a good thing, and I was stoked to start ripping cds to the little device. The minute I closed the door behind the guy, I was hit with buyer's remorse. I kept thinking of how the Bose would have been perfect to have in case I did settle somewhere new, and how maybe it wasn't a fair trade. My roomie tried to do the right thing by reassuring me I got a deal. I told him I needed to pout for a while. Moments later it became clear what the real issue was. This was the first tangible sign that I was moving on. I had physically parted with this thing, that at one time, was a hallmark moment for me because I had purchased something of great quality for my new life in the big city four years ago. I cried for about ten minutes. How am I going to say farewell to friends when I can't even bear to let go of a silly cd player? If you're not hurting you're not growing right?
On the positive side, I got a terrific backpack from a friend last night, long-term traveler loan. Thanks Elle!
Did you know that taquitos are "The Quintessential Beefy Stick"? She wasn't even stoned like the rest of us when she said it!

April 01, 2003

I was watching "Sex Lies and Videotape" yesterday and James Spader's character said that "Men learn to love who they're having sex with and women become more and more attracted to the men that they're in love with". What do you think? I think I must be living my life as a man! Until The Brit a couple of years ago I more often than not dated men I was more physically attracted to than emotionally or romantically. Just recently I was told that I quote movies like a dude. And have you seen the size of my hands and feet?!
No really, I attribute the intense physical draw to part of growing up. Why I've turned away from many strictly physical potentials in recent years because I knew I wanted more. So does that prove once again that men never grow up? Oh no, she went there! Seriously, I am completely aware of the differences between men and women and I embrace them!
Shower Wall Scriptures

"You are what/who you eat"

"I gave the gift of breath to the North bound compass, and it used the pretty ribbon to tie a thousand riddles"

"Try not to use your teeth when you eat my ass"