About A Boy. This movie was so much more touching than I had any idea it would be. Still didn't turn me on to Hugh Grant, but his character was likeable.

Take Note!

Mad Ass Cap Adventure

What a pleasant surprise it was for me to run into a cute boy that I met at the Oakenfold show in December. I hadn't been to Minna in ages and needed to let off some steam in a big way. Four hours and five Chimays later (cutie wound up wearing number six after a wild elbow to my wrist. It's dangerous on the dance floor) I left with cutie and we met up with his co-workers at La Colonial. What possessed me to continue consuming alcohol is beyond me, but I had another Chimay and partook in a group Kamakazie shot. I remember cutie drank two double Mojitos. I remember much opposition regarding cutie's boss driving home as he could barely make it to the loo without taking a tumble. We cabbed it to his boss's car where one of us other intoxicants were going to attempt to drive to The O.S.B. on Polk. The boss wound up driving the three block trek (for some reason it made sense last night) and we started a game of pool. About fifteen minutes later the police arrived, pointing out that the boss had parked in a handicapped space. After much drunken conversation with the authorities, it was decided the car was going to be towed. The boss called his boyfriend for a little back up, but the boyfriend left him high and dry. The entire cab ride back to my house (this too sounded like a better idea last night) he was screaming into his cell phone leaving the same slurred message over and over for his boyfriend, "I bailed you out of jail last weekend and you can't even come and pick me up after my car just got towed"?! "I spent a thousand dollars and stayed up for thirty-five hours (approximately. This number increased with every message) and you won't help me"?! "I'll remember this BITCH"! And later added while sitting on my sofa "My ex-boyfriend keeps calling me and you know what"?, "I'm going to go back to him"! He crashed on my sofa. I heard him leave this morning. Poor thing, I bet he didn't have any idea where he was or which end was up. Cutie on the other hand knew exactly which end was up IF-you know what I mean *nudge* It was great redemption for him being a car salesman. Is that harsh?

Grant me leniency on punctuation, grammar, spelling, and anything that requires technical thought. I'm so hung right now I'm shaking worse that Michael J. Fox. Oh shut up, you know you laughed inside. Anyway I don't care, I got laid!

There's a really greasy old man standing under my window with a portable radio blasting big band music, waving his hands and whistling to the tune. Reminds me of living on Jones and Sutter. *sniff*

San Francisco Bay Area Math Test!!!

1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their
commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked
two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile
per hour, how much time will they spend discussing
their relationship in public?

2. Michael lives in Los Altos Hills and has two
abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional
parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person
he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready
to go home if one person walks by the window of the
sushi bar every three minutes?

3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of
getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing,
what is the likelihood that Sanjeev will need to
hitchhike to Berkeley during the next week to renew
his erythromycin prescription?

4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda
and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him
$1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write
the check for?

5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to
destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal
rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many
people did each dead rat empower?

6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white
sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the
likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be
socks of color?

7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple
lattes every morning while working on his laptop. If
each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what
is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?

8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them
recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda
bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per
month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus
or deficit? (Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic
bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they
drinking?)

9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker
in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12
pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not
eat them?

10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1
bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a
single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if
he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met
only one double-amputee?

Advanced Placement Students Only:

11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a
three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month.
Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other
three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to
run their web servers. None of them wants to use the
futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want
to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.
What is their best option:

a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as
handgun monitors at Mission High.

b. Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share
Effie and Trip's bedroom for $500/month.

c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling
her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.

d. Rent strike.

I added: If Dan and Renee walk down 24th Street at one block every two minutes, to go to Barney's Burgers, how many strollers will they dodge, and how many babies named Hunter will drool on their Campers?

20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...

> > 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
> > 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my
> > bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
> > 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and
> > honestly believe I could do it too.
> > 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy
> > Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
> > 5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating
> > even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on
eating
> > it.
> > 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.
> > 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
> > 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
> > 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
> > 10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
> > sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
> > 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
> > keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
> > 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
> > 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
> > just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
> > 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
> > floor.
> > 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this
> > the WRONG WAY but..."
> > 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
> > 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
> > 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
> > standing) and take a quick nap.
> > 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut
> > down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
> > 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
> > having problems walking straight.

Thankfully I can't testify to this behavior in recent years, but there was a time ladies and gentleman, when this was a routine night out for Your Majesty. With a bit of vomiting and police action thrown in for good measure. At least five nights a week for three years. I've come a long way baby!

This is what happens when you have no job.

A Blind man goes into a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a
drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey,
you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should
know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Stretching it just a bit? Maaaaaybe. I can see how one might see the resemblance, but I cannot see how one convinced enough others to gain international attention.

Get Involved! Now all of America can be just as incoherent as our leader.

Coincidence?

I'm constantly asked what we talk about at my weekly Ladees Nite. Most men assume all we do is male bash. This isn't true. We cover a myriad of topics including current events, cooking, parenting, and our careers. It's not intentional that the conversation steers in the direction of the opposite sex. Last Wednesday we were discussing the characteristics of autism. With our combined knowledge we knew that people with autism liked to be squished, they like dark spaces, they see people as objects, they don't understand emotion, and can get lost in repetition. Before long we realized the same characteristics were true of the penis. I decided to do a brief internet search of other symptoms of autism, and sure enough, you could diagnose every male organ with this enigmatic disease.

MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF AUTISM

1. Failure to develop normal socialization
-can’t develop normal social skills
-can’t show emotion
-apathetic and unresponsive
-little or no eye contact
-people used as a "means to an end", as tools
-inability to relate to the world

2. Disturbances in Speech, Language, and Communication
-second major symptom: speech problems.
- 40% of kids with autism do not speak at all
-Have echolalia (link to page with key terms)
-Pragmatics (non verbal communication /social interactions is impaired.

3. Abnormal Relationships to Objects and Events
-unable to relate normally to things and events.
-many have a "need for sameness" and may become upset if their environment/schedule is changed.
-need for routine.
-playing by self, lining up items, etc.
-responses to playing, etc, may change with time.

4. Abnormal Responses to Sensory Stimulation
-respond to stimuli differently: ex. "we" filter out car alarms, police alarms, autistic children don’t and may cover their ears, shout, etc.
-tendency to "overattend" some things and "underattend" others.
-may even seem deaf at times.
-may be fascinated with letters, lights, etc.
-enjoy being thrown in the air or spinning.
-may be indifferent to cold or pain.


The following list, developed by the National Society for Children and Adults with Autism portrays the signs and symptoms of autism. If a child exhibits 7 or more of these behaviors and if the behavior is constant and age inappropriate, further evaluation is recommended.
Resists normal teaching methods
Inappropriate laughing and giggling
Lack of speech or impaired speech
Acts as if deaf
No fear of real dangers
Apparent insensitivity to pain
Echolalic
Spins objects
Not cuddly
Sustained odd play
Uneven fine/gross motor skills: May not be able to kick a ball but can stack blocks.
No eye contact
Standoffish manner
Difficulty in mixing with other children
Resists change in routine
Unusual perceptual stimuli: Looking “through” people.
Inappropriate attachments to objects
Marked physical overactivity or extreme passivity
Crying tantrums: Extreme distress for no discernible reason.

Make Sure Your Connected
-Stereo MC's

Your Majesty is coming to you live and direct from her bedroom. If I'm not mistaken, I am the last person I know to finally merge onto the information super highway from the comfort of my own home. Graciously donated by my angel of a friend Becca, I have a couple of bonuses too, like free internet and a cd burner. I see many 3am postings in my future boys and girls.

I know. It's been entirely too long, but I don't have much computer access now that I'm unemployed. Oh yes, within a week I comforted my dying great-grandmother, learned much about my biological father for the first time in my life, and got canned. It's been heavy, but I'm confident with time it will all be manageable once again. Thanks bunches for all of your concerned emails. It feels good to be missed!

Grooming 101

The Best Part of Waking Up

I keep my dream journal in my bathroom so that first thing when I wake up I can jot down my twisted visions from the night. I was writing in it this morning and I noticed an entry on the following page in someone else's handwriting that read "Suck it long, suck it hard, but make no mistake you will suck it" signed Bill Clinton. The only thing I can think of is that someone who's been over my house thought it was a bathroom guestbook.

Super therapy on Monday. It's unbelievable how much relief I get from simply labeling the residual emotions from my past. I've always had the healthy attitude of allowing myself to feel everything but not to stay there. That's important to keep in mind because when 20 year-old pain comes flooding to the surface, I don't want to drown in it. I spent so much of my youth parenting myself, that I haven't taken a break to enjoy who I've become. Insert hokey mantra here-2003 is all about me! Actually it's always been about me, but I thought it was funny that it happened to rhyme.

from an email:

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a
pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?
One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English
was invented by people and not computers and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't BUICK rhyme with QUICK?

And now the post you've all been waiting for.........It all began at 8:30 in the morning, and ended way too late. So without further ado........my prize post.......

The 16 Hours of Christmas

In the first hour of Christmas my good friend gave to me, a make-shift bloody mary.

In the second hour of Christmas I had a bite to eat. A tiny piece of bunt cake, and another make-shift bloody mary.

In the third hour of Christmas we opened all of our gifts. I got a picture frame, I gave away soap, and had another bloody mary.

In the fourth hour of Christmas I had a little weed. Drunk dialed the family, ran to the market, began drinking screwdrivers, and ran around in our jammies.

In the fifth hour of Christmas we were visited by friends, and draaaank mooooore booooze. Supervised the stew, played holiday music, took some naughty pix, and got ready for the party.

In the sixth hour of Christmas we arrived at our friend's place. Draaaank moooore booooze, played with spin art, gabbed gabbed gabbed, nibbled on the goodies, and ran around like wild monkeys.

In the seventh hour of Christmas I discovered Champagne punch. We opened all our presents, draaaank moooore booooze, I got a little purse and a book, I gave away soaps, and I got some aromotherapy.

In the eighth hour of Christmas we welcomed more guests. Tried to play Cranium, had a drunked jam session, draaaank moooore booooze, danced around like nuts, ate yummy biscuits, played with our new stuff, all the while in our jammies.

In the ninth hour of Christmas we discussed circumcision. Hung out on the balcony, hollered in the halls, draaaank moooore booooze, had drunken heart to hearts, received strange calls from boys, refilled my solo cup, and had sore cheeks from smiling all day.

In the tenth hour of Christmas we rolled around on the floor. Celebrated a new engagement, painted an ass with HO HO, played on the keyboard, stuffed toys in our pants, discussed where we like to be kissed, draaaank moooore booooze, shared our thoughts on "grooming", flashed in our p-jammas, and thought about going to a bar.

In the eleventh hour of Christmas some of us took off. Drove by The Stud, drove by The End Up, found The Shotwell open, draaaank moooore boooze, I discovered Chimay, played the longest game of pool ever, and livened up a bar on Christmas night.

In the twelfth hour of Christmas we flirted with an Irish lad. Played more pool, picked at a day old turkey, smoked like chimneys, draaaank moooore booooze, giggled non-stop, tried to hold our booze, argued with a Mexican, and peeled layers off as we finally got warm.

In the thirteenth hour of Christmas we saw a gay Puerto Rican’s penis. Danced to 80's rock, bonded with my friends, draaaank moooore booooze, pledged ourselves as Hindus, played pool with the Mexican, and ordered ourselves another round.

In the fourteenth hour of Christmas we started to feel the pain. I had a heart to heart with the Mexican, tried desperately to articulate, draaaank moooore booooze, flashed my festive undies, got reprimanded by the bartender, thought about going home, and asked each other when it all went wrong.

In the fifteenth hour of Christmas we met Zack. Tried to determine if the Irishman was gay or straight, draaaank-you know, made big party plans for next Christmas, thought about going home, and asked each other when it all went wrong.

In the sixteenth hour of Christmas we went to the Irish guy’s flat. Searched the place for liquor, remained close to the exits, staaaarted toooo yaaaawn, kept quite for the sleeping roomie, drilled Zack about his girl, and finally drug our sorry asses home!

YOU might be offended, but I can't stop laughing! Be sure to move your mouse around to find all of the hidden links. ivan-the

What’s a Night Out Without a Theme?

So back in November my co-worker friend and I decided to start our Turkey Day vacation with a bang by going dancing at Minna and then going to see Lords of Acid at the Fillmore. Initially the theme was “Rockstar”, like larger than life clothes, obnoxious sunglasses, and passing remarks about cocaine and musicians. My friend had on black boots, blue jeans, a $3.40 Mission find black t-shirt with a Precious Moments girl and a caption that read “I may not have much, but with God I have it all”, and to top it all off, a blindingly gold jacket made by designer Comme des Garcons. I donned brown boots, brown crushed velvet/some sort of animal hair pants, a white button up shirt that provided full view of my nipples, and a lovely pair of J.Lo-esque sunglasses with pink lenses. I even feathered my hair.

Once inside Minna, our characters came alive. Somehow, very early on, we became Eurotrash Rockstars. We used terribly muttled accents, we said ‘fuck’ a LOT, we pushed people, we were loud, and we kept our sunglasses on indoors. Many people approached me saying that the magnetism of myself and my friends drew them in. I had boys asking if I would just stand next to them so they would look cool. My partner in crime would occasionally tell the boys to stop looking at my breasts because “They are to give baby life not for lust” in a bad, bad accent. I had the opportunity many times to look boys up and down and snobbily declare, “I do not sink so” when they would ask for my number. A couple of hours of insolence, and we headed out for Round 2 of debauchery with The Lords of Acid.

The posse was a bit peckish so we made a bee line for the Fillmore Café where they serve, no exaggeration, the best burgers in the universe. We were still in character when the counter person brought our food over and we decided to be silly and tell the guy “Fuck you good burger”! and give him a thumbs up. You know, as if we didn't’t know the proper American exclamation for approval of something. The counter man was less than enthused. He said he didn't appreciate the foul language and gave us terrible stink eye as he went back into the kitchen. Let me get this straight. We’re at The Fillmore. To see The Lords of Acid. What’s wrong with a little good humored cursing? I had had a couple of brews and I took it upon my self to be the peacemaker. I walked up to the counter and asked if he was serious or just pulling our leg. With an expressionless face he answered that we was highly offended and that if I continued he would have me removed. I walked back to the table and mumbled under my breath, “Don’t be a dick ALL your life”. I relayed the message to the table and I was starting to get a little riled up when my friend says “Okay I’m going to break it down”. “How old do you think the guy is”? I said “I don’t know mid-thirties”? To which he answered “Exactly”! “And he serving food at The Fillmore”!

Now we’re down on the floor, mingling with the crowd and a cute boy with great nostrils starts chatting me up. I’m on my dating strike, but I can participate in innocent conversation right? I ask the guy where he likes to go out and he says he likes Bondage-A-Go-Go and The End Up. I thought he was flirting with me, but as you SF natives know, those are gay clubs, so I ask him if he likes boys or girls. He said that he likes girls, but that the music at gay clubs is just so much better. He says he has to beat the boys off with a stick, but it’s worth it. So I’m thinking okay, he not a homophobe, right on, and he really likes dancing, sounds good. Not too long after, I actually SEE him dancing and any attraction that could have developed left quicker than a frat boy on a dry campus. He danced like a flaming bottom! I wish I could find a video clip to give you an idea of how effeminate we’re talking, but just ask me the next time you see me and I’ll demonstrate. So I casually wander back over to my band of truly gay boys, ditching gay straight boy, and he happens upon us moments later. I excuse myself to the powder room and when I get back, the boys tell me they’ve invited him to join us at The Stud after the show. They were only trying to help, they obviously hadn’t seen him dance. Once at The Stud my pain became clear to the rest of the group. After dancing for about thirty minutes he shuffles over to our group and while holding his hair back and fanning himself like Scarlet O'Hara declares “Whooo, I’m overwhelmed”! “He’s even too gay for us” one of my friends exclaimed. I stayed for about an hour or so, conveniently heading towards the bar or powder room when the gay straight boy came into view. I found out a couple of weeks later that after I left he made out with a guy on the dance floor. Anyone up for theme night?

New Year's Day I went down to Ocean Beach to see Jim Denevan's sand design. It was a warmish and sunny day complete with giant kelp, a sand rose, a drum circle and a couple of older women dressed in hyper-colorful attire. Yay Mother Ocean!

spiral 1

spiral 2

look at the size of her!

by any other name

jammin'

colorful dame 1

colorful dame 2

You know it's going to be a rough day when you're hitting the Pixy Stix at 9am!

Grrrrrr

I'm back in officeland today. I was supposed to work yesterday, but I got nauseous in the shower whilst thinking about facing my boss so I called in. I spent the day in bed reading, watching movies and napping. He wasn't so bad today, and I just kept laughing at my thoughts of how ridiculous he is. Anybody know of any job openings?

Git Down!

Go here and click on the 'freestyle dance highlight clip'.