December 18, 2003

WTF mate?
If you haven't already subscribed to SF Gate's Morning Fix written by the AMAZING Mark Morford, do so now! The best part of yesterday's article:

Note to scrunchy parents: I'd be far, far more worried about what, say, Kraft is selling to your kids in all those millions of boxes of toxic and openly poisonous Kraft Lunchables than about some quasi-sexy yuppie-fashion catalog they never even see. But that's just me.

Amen brother. Parents are woried about their children seeing what people look like naturally, doing something that is natural, but don't give a second thought to packin' 'em a sandwich made with green ketchup for lunch mummy dear.

December 17, 2003

Seen sewn on a pillow: "A man's home is his castle until the Queen returns"!
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you to my generous Aunt and my amazing friends who've been loaning me money, inviting me over for dinner and treating me to lunches. Your Majesty appreciates every meal of kindness that's warmed my tummy and every poor little white girl donation. I never thought I'd be here financially, but I have angels around me who aren't letting me hit bottom. I'm thanking my lucky stars for my tribe right now!

December 08, 2003

From KML. I Lo-lo-LOVE the Strindberg skits. International Language had me snorting too. From laughing. Not from cocaine.

November 24, 2003

A fantastic test for my generation. I got a really high score. Yes, MTV was my babysitter, my mentor, my inspiration.

November 16, 2003

Getting to know you.....

I stayed at D's last night, and when I went home this morning to shower and change, I was thinking about this annoying situation I'm dealing with right now, so I dabbed a little patchouli on my wrists as aromatherapy. Now most people I know can't stand "that fucking hippie smell", but I like the earthy scent on me, it's really grounding for me. Later on I was sounding off thoughts about this situation to D and I asked him if he's learned anything about me from watching me deal with this hairy situation. I know I've learned a lot about people by observing how they handle riffs, especially with people they were once close to. D joked, "Yeah, I've learned that when you're upset you go home and put stinky patchouli on"!

November 15, 2003

My web hosting stats show that I have a faithful reader in Seychelles. Please drop me an email and tell me a little bit about yourself and how you stumbled across My Greatness from a far corner of the globe.
I went to hear Brian Eno speak about The Long Now at Ft. Mason last night. I'm such a sucker for visionary social movements. It's so true though, that our current culture isn't really concerned with making an impact beyond next week, or ambitiously, next year. Brian mentioned the beginnings of a book of 250 projects that we can embark on now to help the future 10,000 years from now. The format would be an 'issue' per page, with the issue/problem/concern listed at the top, a paragraph on the big picture of what ideally should happen, a paragraph of what we as individuals can do to start making progress, and then links to books and websites at the bottom. It's true that we cannot imagine the types of issues we'll be facing so far from now, but in taking action to remedy problems of today, we're making progress yeh? And this is totally my vision, but perhaps we'll evolve into a socitey of less self-absorbed, narrow minded beings. A girl can dream can't she? You can bet I'll be there the second Friday of every month to hear the featured speaker. Drop me an email if you want to go!
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November 03, 2003

The Vamps are Champs!!

I was Anita Lay, part of the crowd pleasing Roller Derby Team mentioned in the article. Of course I spent most of the night with my skates slung over my shoulder because I SUCK at roller skating, but I just told people that the REF through me out of the game because of excessive force. Pat MyAss showed up at half-time, and despite her lack of uniform still joined in huddles and pretended to clothesline teammates Amanda Love, and Fonda Dicks. My personal highlight of the night was crashing against a restaurant window while diners inside squealed with excitement as we engaged in a faux knock-down drag out pile-up. The REF hurried over and blew his whistle, but before he could make a call, he lost his balance and found himself kissing the sidewalk.

I don't know how in the HELL I flew down hills and around corners on skates as a kid. My excuse, reasoning for my poor dispay of roller coordination, is that the wheels on the skates were too loose. I'll have to remember the skate key next time!

October 28, 2003

Just had to share!

This has been an amazing day for good news. The first call of good news I got this moring was from my sweet grandmother in Illinois. The doctor that se sees for epilepsy is retiring and she's been having a terrible time getting someone to refer her to a new one. For the last two weeks I myself have been making calls from here on on her behalf with little progress. She called this morning to say she got a call from a counselor who has helped her in the past and is more than willing to assist her in finding a new doctor. What a relief. Later my friend Amy called to say she was going to be able to make it to the premimre of 24 tonight, she's great company, I was hoping she could make it. Then I got a call from a hospital in Va saying that they eventaully did find records that I'm trying to locate from my kidney surgery when I was 12 years-old. When I called the other day, I wasn't in their data base at all and I was beginning to worry. After that I got an email regarding some production work that was scheduled for late Oct. I thought maybe it had been cancelled since I hadn't heard back from my emails, but thankfully it's just been postponed so hopefully I 'll be making some money soon. THEN, I got the call officially offering me the aprtment I wanted in Piedmont! I hope everyone else is having a super day as well!

October 27, 2003

'Tis the Season to be Rockin'!

I saw a commercial for this album when I was housesitting for a friend and at first I thought it was a mock ad because I was watching The Comedy Channel. Nope, it's real, so let's have some fun shall we?

Your Majesty says nothing brings about Good Will towards all men and women during the holidays like the thunder of an electric guitar. Who wouldn't feel warm and fuzzy listening to 'O Holy Night' in the style of Poison or Skid Row? Click on 'multimedia' and take a listen.

from the website:

Trans-Siberian Orchestra was formed in 1996 by Paul O'Neill who immediately approached long time friends and collaborators Robert Kinkel and Jon Oliva to form the core of the writing team.
While producing and writing for a number of years with various rock groups Paul was always looking for ways to make the music have greater and greater emotional impact. He tried to write the music that was so melodic it didn't need lyrics. And lyrics that were so poetic that they didn't need music but once you put the two of them together, the sum of the parts would be greater than the whole, and you couldn't imagine them apart. Once he'd done this, he was still looking for a way to take it to even greater heights and he realized that putting the songs within the context of a story would give it a third dimension that would make that additional emotional impact possible.

Wow, that's deep man. Sounds like the writer of this nauseating bio may have been a little too close to the Humboldt County Christmas trees if you know what I mean.

Hence, he started writing not just albums, but rock operas.

Who in the hell uses HENCE anymore????

He realized then, that there was an inherent problem recording rock operas within the standard rock and roll band makeup. Rock operas by their nature need the voices to change as the characters change. Rock bands normally only have one (or if you're lucky) two great vocalists to work with, therefore limiting how far you can go. You're forced to make the music fit the band, as opposed to allowing the music to go wherever it needs to.

More likely he realized that rock operas are so 25 years ago! I love rock operas, don't get me wrong, but it's going to take a killer movement to bring the rock opera back and these pussies just 'aint it.

With Trans-Siberian Orchestra, first the music is created with no artificial limitations, and then we seek out within the classical, rock, Broadway and R & B worlds, the very best singers and musicians to bring each song to life. This also in many ways forces us to operate on a higher level. This environment has the additional benefit of causing a cross pollenization of musical ideas, creating hybrid forms of music that normally never would have occurred, such as an R&B singer doing a classical style melody and bringing gospel touches to it that causes it to glitter in ways that even the creators could not have predicted. Another very important aspect in the creation of the band, is that there could be no limits on the members; we mix all races and ages.

Any performer they brought in would force them to operate on a higher level because they are the bottom dwellers in the world of music. Cross pollenization? Hybrid? We're supposed to be talking about "emotional" music here fellas not a scientific day in the life of flowers and insects for crying out loud. And who is this person to say that an R&B singer adding gospel touches is something that wouldn't normally have occured? Has this person never heard a black man/woman sing?

The young get to mine the experience of the old musicians, while they can't help to be inspired by the enthusiasm of people just entering the business. This has created a vast constantly changing musical group that even we do not know what it is going to do next.

Once when asked what Trans-Siberian Orchestra was about, Paul O'Neill replied, "It's about creating great art. When asked to define what great art was, Paul said, "The purpose of art is to create an emotional response in the person that is exposed to that art. And there are three categories of art; bad art, good art and great art. Bad art will elicit no emotional response in the person that is exposed to it, i.e.; a song you hear in an elevator and it does nothing to you, a picture on a wall that gives you the same emotional response as if the wall had been blank, a movie that chews up time. Good art will make you feel an emotion that you have felt before; you see a picture of a forest and you remember the last time you went fishing with your dad, you hear a song about love and you remember the last time you were in love. Great art will make you feel an emotion you have never felt before; seeing the pieta, the world famous sculpture by Michelangelo, can cause someone to feel the pain of losing a child even if they've never had one. And when you're trying for these emotions the easiest one to trigger is anger.

Finally a point I can agree with. The bad, the good, and the great. We can all testify we've been touched by a piece of music without words that makes us giddy or conjures nostalgia. But why, oh why, did this man have to insinuate that his band is trying to make an impact that of Michealangelo? And what scary tangent is about to come out of the last statement "And when you're trying for these emotions the easiest one to trigger is anger"?

Anyone can do it. Go into the street, throw a rock at someone, you will make them angry. The emotions of love, empathy and laughter are much harder to trigger, but since they operate on a deeper level, they bring a much greater reward.

I guess there's bound to be some underlying hostility when you're immersed in the world of heavy metal eh? I mean, that's what makes kids do bad things right?

I don't know why I chose to give these guys such a hard time, it's just too easy. Watch, this time next year I'll be singing the praises of the TSO and justice will be served.

October 21, 2003

Get Out Of Jail Free

Last week I opened a letter from the Treasury Dept. telling me that they're disputing my 2001 Federal tax return. Apparently I claimed $37,000 and my employer (ironically I'm going to start temping for the scum sucking bottom feeders this week so I won't completely bite the hand that feeds me) claimed that I made $52,000. This created a balance of $2,525 that I was to owe to Uncle Sam. Plus I had missed the cut-off date to call or mail for an appeal by a long, long time. This letter came on a day when I couldn't be more pessimistic about my financial and house hunting situation. PMS had a strangle hold on my emotions and I just knew this was punishment for something. But to my surprise when I called and spoke to Cliff, he informed me that it was the employer's error. They had changed payroll services in the middle of the year and both payroll companies reported the earnings. Cliff said it was my lucky day. Cliff has no idea how right he was!

October 19, 2003

I love BOOBAH!!
Metrosexuals Come Out

June 22, 2003

BY his own admission, 30-year-old Karru Martinson is not
what you'd call a manly man. He uses a $40 face cream,
wears Bruno Magli shoes and custom-tailored shirts. His
hair is always just so, thanks to three brands of shampoo
and the precise application of three hair grooming
products: Textureline Smoothing Serum, got2b styling glue
and Suave Rave hairspray.

Mr. Martinson likes wine bars and enjoys shopping with his
gal pals, who have come to trust his eye for color, his
knack for seeing when a bag clashes with an outfit, and his
understanding of why some women have 47 pairs of black
shoes. ("Because they can!" he said.) He said his guy
friends have long thought his consumer and grooming habits
a little . . . different. But Mr. Martinson, who lives in
Manhattan and works in finance, said he's not that

"From a personal perspective there was never any doubt what
my sexual orientation was," he said. "I'm straight as an

So it was with a mixture of relief and mild embarrassment
that Mr. Martinson was recently asked by a friend in
marketing to be part of a focus group of "metrosexuals" -
straight urban men willing, even eager, to embrace their
feminine sides.

Convinced that these open-minded young men hold the secrets
of tomorrow's consumer trends, the advertising giant Euro
RSCG, with 233 offices worldwide, wanted to better
understand their buying habits. So in a private room at the
Manhattan restaurant Eleven Madison Park recently, Mr.
Martinson answered the marketers' questions and schmoozed
with 11 like-minded straight guys who were into Diesel
jeans, interior design, yoga and Mini Coopers, and who
would never think of ordering a vodka tonic without
specifying Grey Goose or Ketel One.

Before the focus group met, Mr. Martinson said he was
suspicious that such a thing as a metrosexual existed.
Afterward, he said, "I'm fully aware that I have those

America may be on the verge of a metrosexual moment. On
July 15, Bravo will present a makeover show, "Queer Eye for
the Straight Guy," in which a team of five gay men
"transform a style-deficient and culture-deprived straight
man from drab to fab," according to the network. Condé Nast
is developing a shopping magazine for men, modeled after
Lucky, its successful women's magazine, which is largely a
text-free catalog of clothes and shoes.

There is no end to the curious new vanity products for
young men, from a Maxim-magazine-branded hair coloring
system to Axe, Unilever's all-over body deodorant for guys.
And men are going in for self-improvement strategies
traditionally associated with women. For example, the
number of plastic surgery procedures on men in the United
States has increased threefold since 1997, to 807,000,
according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic

"Their heightened sense of aesthetics is very, very
pronounced," Marian Salzman, chief strategy officer at Euro
RSCG, who organized the gathering at Eleven Madison Park,
said of metrosexuals. "They're the style makers. It doesn't
mean your average Joe American is going to copy everything
they do," she added. "But unless you study these guys you
don't know where Joe American is heading."

Paradoxically, the term metrosexual, which is now being
embraced by marketers, was coined in the mid-90's to mock
everything marketers stand for. The gay writer Mark Simpson
used the word to satirize what he saw as consumerism's toll
on traditional masculinity. Men didn't go to shopping
malls, buy glossy magazines or load up on grooming
products, Mr. Simpson argued, so consumer culture promoted
the idea of a sensitive guy - who went to malls, bought
magazines and spent freely to improve his personal

Within a few years, the term was picked up by British
advertisers and newspapers. In 2001, Britain's Channel Four
brought out a show about sensitive guys called
value="263884">"Metrosexuality." And in
recent years the European media found a metrosexual icon in
David Beckham, the English soccer star, who paints his
fingernails, braids his hair and poses for gay magazines,
all while maintaining a manly profile on the pitch. Along
with terms like "PoMosexual," `just gay enough" and
"flaming heterosexuals," the word metrosexual is now
gaining currency among American marketers who are fumbling
for a term to describe this new type of feminized man.

America has a long tradition of sensitive guys. Alan Alda,
John Lennon, even Al Gore all heard the arguments of the
feminist movement and empathized. Likewise, there's a
history of dashing men like Cary Grant and Humphrey Bogart
who managed to affect a personal style with plenty of hair
goop but without compromising their virility. Even Harrison
Ford, whose favorite accessory was once a hammer, now poses
proudly wearing an earring.

But what separates the modern-day metrosexual from his
touchy-feely forebears is a care-free attitude toward the
inevitable suspicion that a man who dresses well, has good
manners, understands thread counts or has opinions on
women's fashion is gay.

"If someone's going to judge me on what kind of moisturizer
I have on my shelf, whatever," said Marc d'Avignon, 28, a
graduate student living in the East Village, who describes
himself as "horrendously addicted to Diesel jeans" and
living amid a chemistry lab's worth of Kiehl's lotions.

"It doesn't bother me at all. Call it homosexual, feminine,
hip, not hip - I don't care. I like drawing from all sorts
of sources to create my own persona."

While some metrosexuals may simply be indulging in pursuits
they had avoided for fear of being suspected as gay - like
getting a pedicure or wearing brighter colors - others
consciously appropriate tropes of gay culture the way white
suburban teenagers have long cribbed from hip-hop culture,
as a way of distinguishing themselves from the pack. Having
others question their sexuality is all part of the game.

"Wanting them to wonder and having them wonder is a
wonderful thing," said Daniel Peres, the editor in chief of
Details, a kind of metrosexual bible. "It gives you an air
of mystery: could he be? It makes you stand out."

Standing out requires staying on top of which products are
hip and which are not. Marketers refer to such
style-obsessed shoppers as prosumers, or urban influentials
- educated customers who are picky or just vain enough to
spend more money or to make an extra effort in pursuit of
their personal look. A man who wants to buy Clinique for
Men, for example, has to want the stuff so badly that he
will walk up to the women's cosmetics counter in a
department store, where Clinique for Men is sold. A man who
wants Diesel jeans has to be willing to pay $135 a pair. A
man who insists on Grey Goose has to get comfortable with
paying $14 for a martini.

"The guy who drinks Grey Goose is willing to pay extra,"
said Lee Einsidler, executive vice president of Sydney
Frank Importing, which owns Grey Goose. "He does it in all
things in his life. He doesn't buy green beans, he buys
haricots verts."

Other retailers hope to entice the man on the fence to get
in touch with his metrosexual side. Oliver Sweatman, the
chief executive of Sharps, a new line of grooming products
aimed at young urban men, said that to lure manly men to
buy his new-age shaving gels - which contain Roman
chamomile, gotu kola and green tea - the packaging is a
careful mixture of old and new imagery. The fonts recall
the masculinity of an old barber shop, but a funny picture
of a goat on the label implies, he said, something out of
the ordinary.

In an effort to out closeted metrosexuals, Ms. Salzman and
her marketing team at Euro RSCG are working at perfecting
polling methods that will identify "metrosexual markers."
One, she noted, is that metrosexuals like telling their
friends about their new finds.

Mr. Martinson, the Bruno Magli-wearing metrosexual, agreed.
"I'm not in marketing," he said, "But when you take a step
back, and say, `Hey, I e-mailed my friends about a great
vodka or a great Off Broadway show,' in essence I am a
marketer and I'm doing it for free."

Most metrosexuals, though, see their approach to life as
serving their own interests in the most important marketing
contest of all: the battle for babes. Their pitch to women:
you're getting the best of both worlds.

Some women seem to buy it. Alycia Oaklander, a 29-year-old
fashion publicist from Manhattan, fell for John Kilpatrick,
a Washington Redskins season ticket holder who loves
Budweiser and grilling hot dogs, in part because of his
passion for shopping and women's fashion shows. On their
first dates, Mr. Kilpatrick brought Champagne, cooked
elaborate meals and talked the talk about Ms. Oaklander's
shoes. They were married yesterday.

"He loves sports and all the guy stuff," Ms. Oaklander
said. "But on the other hand he loves to cook and he loves
design. It balances out."

The proliferation of metrosexuals is even having an impact
in gay circles. Peter Paige, a gay actor who plays the
character Emmett on the Showtime series "Queer as Folk,"
frequently complains in interviews that he's having a
harder time than ever telling straight men from gays.

"They're all low-slung jeans and working out with six packs
and more hair product than I've ever used in my life, and
they smell better than your mother on Easter," he said. Mr.
Paige said there was at least one significant difference
between hitting on metrosexuals and their less evolved
predecessors. "Before, you used to get punched," he said.
"Now it's all, `Gee thanks, I'm straight but I'm really
flattered.' "

October 13, 2003

There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright.........

Sunday afternoon my honey was driving me through Glenview so that I could jot down phone numbers of apartments for rent when we heard a rumbling from the back of the car. We had blown a tire, so D called Geico at about 3:15 and they asuured us that someone would be out within 45 minutes. I decided to make good use of the time by calling and inquiring about a few apartments I'd noted earlier. At 4:15 D called again and they told us that they would page the driver and the driver would get back to us within 10 minutes. At 4:30 D called back and they informed us that the driver was new and had gotten lost, she was now in Berkeley instead of Oakland. For the next hour D called about every 15 minutes to let them know that we STILL had not been taken care of and they kept telling him that someone would be contacting him shortly although no one ever did. We tried to pass the time with a smile by playing word association games, watching and giggling as at least six 'scavengers' drove into the posh neighborhood and rifled through the discarded house goods left on the curb, and walking up and down the block. By 5:30 we couldn't muster anymore silver lining. I had to pee really bad, the sun was going down and it was getting chilly, we were hungry, we started to bug each other, I voiced my frustration that we couldn't take care of the tire ourselves in the first place, D voiced the explanation that the jack that came with the car is too flimsy and the necessary jack is too heavy for him to lug around in the rust lined trunk......and then Geico told us that they were going to dispatch another towing company and they assured us AGAIN that someone would be with us within 45 minutes. We found out that their dispatch offices are in Texas and Georgia, and it's from there that they contact local towing companies, all the way in California, and try to navigate them to where help is needed. At 6:45 our savior made his way up the hill to the rescue. It took Fernando of Chevron towing in Oakland approximately 6 minutes to have us repaired and ready to head home. We left laughing and shook it off because at least it was a gorgeous sunny day, it was a very well kept neighborhood, and it was quality time together. Awwwww.

October 08, 2003

MY favorite part are the "six FREE birth announcements'.

Dear soon to be seriously concerned and completely freaked out friends and family:
Please join me in celebrating the arrival of my exorbitantly deranged purchase as an attempt to fill the void in my pathetic mid-west housewife life. Yes, little Emily is just one of Fed-Ex's little miracles, and thanks to the generosity of the Ashton-Drake Galleries, if Emily doesn't make me the envy of all my backwoods neighbors, if I find that staying in and dusting Emily cuts into my Bingo Hall time, or for any other asinine reason, I have 365 days to return her for a full 100% refund, INCLUDING SHIPPING!

All my best,
Call Me Crazy

Thanks a million for the fodder Pacifica Mama!

October 03, 2003

You can tell a lot about someone by what they carry in their pockets, handbag, or backpack. What does it say when your boyfriend withdrawls from his computer bag a white satin bra, a sealed plastic disposable speculum, and a paperback copy of Inga Muscio's CUNT?

September 23, 2003

Ciao Dolce!

Another piece of news from this Summer, even more astounding than the boyfriend factor, Your Majesty ended her love affair with sugar. I'll give you a moment to read that again to confirm 'yes you read that right'. I swear to god it was like coming off of crack. Those of you who know me well have seen me comsume an entire dozen doughnuts for b-fast, you know that I sprinkled sugar on any pasta dish with red sauce, and you can testify that a pint of ice cream was a 'little something' to tide me over . Those of you who don't know me as well missed witnessing me emptying sugar packets straight into my mouth when you used the restroom, and you probably didn't realize that EVERY time you saw me I was with confection or candybar in hand. Years ago I was told I had reactive hypoglycemia, the sweet poison's hold was deep, deeper than a doctor report predicting future life threatening illness. So two months ago I decided that just because I was used to the emotional rollercoaster, it didn't make it right. I started by not giving in to every craving for excess and processed sugar like alcohol, cookies, creme brulee, rice krispy treats, all the usual bait that used to lure me in. I was unbearable for weeks. I shook, I was frazzled, and I was blue. But as with anything you're distancing yourself from, time is the greatest healer. I went to Whales for a ten day Vipassana where there was no sugar added to our meals and honey was our only option for sweetening tea. At first I didn't use more than a dollop a day, and by the seventh day I wasn't using at all. For the next couple of weeks I found myself saying that I needed something sweet after a meal but the truth was I didn't, it was just a habit of saying it. Today, I can walk into a candy store and not leave a puddle of drool at the counter. I can pass a Dunkin Donuts without leaving nose prints on the front window. I'm allowing myself sweet treats about once a week and natural sugars are okay in moderation, and now because my body is more in balance, I can't have more than a bite or two before my teeth ache. I read labels and you would cringe to know how much sugar main stream food and beverages contain. I won't get on my soap box unless you ask me to, but just know I love all of my friends and family and I strongly suggest at least reading some books on it or do a little net surfing on the dangers.
Vrey Inetrsetnig!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

September 22, 2003

Back to Reality

Well I'm back in the Bay Area, San Pablo Ave. in Berkeley to be exact. I've decided to make the East Bay my home this go 'round because it's closer to my boyfriend (yeah that's right, I can say that all casual like now), cheaper, and more residential feeling. Can we say nesting? I've been stressing over the job, house, car search. I feel ungrateful saying this but, although it's seems exciting, it's really exhausting. Luckily I have the best boyfriend in the universe. I'm staying with him until I get my ducks in a row and he's spoiling me rotten. I arrived to brand new, uber thick and fluffy Restoration Hardware bath towels that I mentioned I loved using at his Mother's house. He's been taking me around to look at apartments for rent and cars for sale, AND he's been during my pre-menstrual readjusting phase. I should call him Saint D. I know everything will fall into place, I just put too much pressure on myself and I don't want to wear out my welcome. Obviously I have a Summers worth of adventures to post here, but I must compose a resume right now. I'll be posting on a regular basis again so I look forward to my web stats rising once again!

September 18, 2003

September 11, 2003

So to summarize.......

"I'd have to say that I've discovered I'm more of a vacationer than a traveler really". - Reese Williams

July 29, 2003

A Tip From Me To You

Never blow a big bubblegum bubble while riding your bike in the summer; acts like flypaper.

July 22, 2003

All You Need To Know About Amsterdam

Cyclists rule the roads.

A coffeeshop is where you smoke weed or hash, a cafe is where you go to get drunk and a bar is where you meet for conversation and tea/cocktails etc.

Always scan the ground as you walk for dog shit.

The streets change names about every block.

July 15, 2003

INSPIRED is living amongst artists and finally trying my hand at it. I bought a 49euro Van Gough acrylic paint set, and spent almost a week naked, listening to a Harry Potter book on tape, playing with brushes, tubes and cups of water. I had a blast.

July 01, 2003

FILTHY is a bathroom so vile, you don't even want to poo in it. I know it's a strange posting for my first in almost a month, and you may have been hoping for tales of adventure and pix of far off places, but believe me, where I'm living right now is very, very off.

June 05, 2003

Ciao from Venice! I only have a minute but I wanted to drop a quick post to say this city is BELLA!!!! I had no idea it's actually 117 tiny islands. My favorite art is glass art so I'm in heaven right now! I just saw a pizza with cut up hot dogs and french fries on it. It's hot as hell but I love it. The gellato is divine. We're staying in a sweet farmhouse in the middle of a vineyard, it's too cute. I discovered Italy has fireflies! Milan was great for shopping but very smelly. Gotta run!

May 29, 2003


A couple of weeks ago while on Kauai

May 28, 2003

Progress Report

I got my first sand rash from bodysurfing yesterday morning. The waves can't be more than waist high but it's fun to say "Dude I totally got thrashed in the surf today". It's hard to believe I've only been here two weeks; the pace is so slow that if I didn't have a calendar I'd swear it's been months. Where else do counter people take lengthy phone calls or balance their checkbook while waiting on you, it a riot. Hostel living isn't what I imagined at all. I thought everyone would just kept to themselves, or there would be polite chat in the common areas, but it's like a dorm. One friend I made there said it's like a soap opera meets Survivor. It's so true. Who's sleeping in who's bunk, who's making all the noise late at night and early in the morning, who's hanging out getting pissed and stoned in the common area, too funny. I've met several cool people from the Bay Area, wave chasers, drifters, planned travelers, they're all here. I had a balancing didjeridoo massage a couple of days ago, really opened up my voice and crown energy, I've been in planning mode for rwo weeks. I didn't embark on my travels to find myself, I wanted to experience other cultures (I know Hawaii is still the US people but it was a very nice jumping off point don't you think) and I'm finding traveling alone is tough, especially as a woman. I feel alienated being surrounded day in and day out by people who I can't trust, who I don't have inside jokes with, who I can't hug. I'll be with D in Europe soon though and there'll be plenty of hugging going on there, IF you know what I mean, heh heh! And don't even get me started with the affairs of my heart. I never in a million years could have guessed that I would leave paradise after only a few weeks to spend seven solid weeks with my new love interest. Guess that's the beauty of my journey, the unknown. Of course when I'm pre-menstrual like I am this week, uncertainty is my nemesis.

May 23, 2003

Having trouble uploading pix here today, I'll try again tomorrow.
Your Majesty has run into a wee bit of writer's block in paradise. I've posted pix on my photos page for all to view heaven on earth. I stayed in a ridiculously big vacation rental with eight fun peeps last week, and I've been at The Kapa'a Beach House hostel since they left. Well, actually I stayed two nights at a skeezy Hostel International for two nights until I joined forces with an Iranian wave chaser named Ali. Now we bunk at The Beach House which is really more like a tree house! I've climbed behind water falls, viewed "The Grand Canyon of the Pacific", tried snorkeling, I get to shower outside in the sun or under the stars, I eat mangos and papayas for b-fast, this is living my friends. All the radio staions play popular songs, but re-done by Hawaiians. The island has a very small town feel and everyone knows everything about everyone and I'm the talk of the town being that I'm a girl and the men outnumber the women five to one. Sorry locals, my heart is in Berkeley.
I'm leaving in the next week or so to meet my favorite man in Europe. We'll be in Milan for two weeks and Berlin for four weeks. We're hoping to check out Copenhagen (for Legoland) and Greece while we're there. I don't know my plans after that but I'd like to get to Amsterdam and New Zealand.
Wish I could go into more detail but the internet cafe isn't cheap. Until next time this is your ruler saying Aloha and Mahalo!

May 20, 2003

Kauai Baby!

My lack of posting is not due to a lack of material, believe me! Here's a link to some pictures from my first week taken by a friend to tide you over until I can get my laptop to the internet cafe and upload mine. Mahalo and much love to my eight amazing friends who were the perfect transition into a new phase of life for me!

May 06, 2003

Forgive me readers for I have sinned. It's been eleven days since my last posting. I have been insanely busy packing, coordinating, and canoodling with a man. Murphy's Law that I'd discover someone I adore just two weeks before I depart into the unknown. Actually, I should feel enriched for having the fortune of spending time with such a wonderful spirit. I leave Friday morning, but rest assured I'll be posting from internet cafes when possible. Blessed Be to the enchanted San Francisco. Until next time.....

April 24, 2003

Here's Robert's take on our L.A. adventure. Ah the memories!
I don't celebrate Easter, but I did miss not getting a basket this year. My roomie sent me this link today, it's better than any basket I could've received!

April 21, 2003

Perfection Surprise

I have several scenarios in my head of what would make for a perfect day, but Friday proved to be unexpectedly sublime. I went down to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk with my roomie and a friend of his who was visiting from Mexico. We rode nauseating rides, ate greasy carnival food, played in the arcade until we had accumulated 550 tickets (which we gave to a little boy because none of the prizes interested us), and got fake tattoos. We got home around 6pm and started getting ready for The Faint at the Fillmore. They were outstanding! The sound was clear, and the crowd was colorful and energetic. After the show we ventured out to the steamy atmosphere of The Hustler Club where I received my first, second, and third lapdance. Most of the girls were bland but two were remarkable. Check out Lexie and Madison next time you're there, these smokin' little ladies wiggle like nobody's biz.
Believe It or Not!

Sunday afternoon yours truly was playing in 9 FEET of water. My sweet, patient, caring friend took me out to Strawberry Canyon Rec Center in Berkeley and spent 90 minutes in a pool with my freaky, water phobic ass. I learned how to move my legs better while swimming, I was more relaxed in treading water, AND I put my head under water without holding my nose. I'm still need lots of work on the whole holding my breath and blowing out through my nose stuff, but I am really proud of my little advancement. Next item on my packing list; a snorkel set!

April 14, 2003

High Schoolesque Adventure

I went down to L.A. this weekend to see a friend of a friend’s band perform at the Hard Rock CafĂ©. I felt like a teenager again, piling in a van to go see a local band, mixing my booze with a bottled beverage, sneaking around a neighborhood at four in the morning, and lots, and lots, and lots of laughs!

Her Majesty’s Top 10 From Kiss the Girl in L.A.

#10 Being a Trendsetter
Saturday I was severely sleep deprived, but decided to stay and extra day for the spontaneous adventure. I left the hotel for brunch while in my jammies, and later on visited the Getty Museum and had dinner still in my jammies. Don't be surprised when this new trend goes global.

#9 Our Moving Violation
You find ways of amusing yourself on a six-hour road trip. While the Beastie Boys were blasting, the boys in the van started head banging, which escalated into slamming into each other, and from there became bodies leaping over seats, bodies being pushed over seats, choke holds, and multiple middle fingers aimed at the video camera.

#8 Getting Back to Basics
In an effort to keep weekend costs to a minimum, my friend and I bought a fifth of tequila and walked around a neighborhood close to the venue, mixing the hooch with lemon-lime mineral water rather than buying over-priced cocktails at the bar. I had flashbacks of sneaking out of my room in tenth grade and drinking Southern Comfort at the bus stop.

#7 The Desperate Dressing Room Impromptu
We ran into traffic on the way in to L.A. so we were denied the luxury of stopping by the hotel before the show to get beautiful. In overalls with a dew rag on my head, this white girl needed to primp! My friend and I popped in to the bathroom of the near by Bed Bath and Beyond and spent about an hour styling our hair, painting our faces, and selecting our wardrobe. Can we now add resourceful to our resumes?

#6 The Heartfelt Offer
A guy at Hard Rock was wearing a t-shirt that read “I’ll do what your last boyfriend wouldn’t”. My tipsy self scrambled over and whispered what my last boyfriend, The Brit’s, objection was. He offered to take me to his truck, and later offered his brother’s services as well. I declined but thanked him for the sentiment.

#5 Sign of the Times
We stopped at a Foster’s Freeze on the way home and although our frozen treats were sugary satisfaction, the mood of the van was left sour after seeing the flyer that was taped to the drive-through window. It was a promotion for David Coverdale announcing his performance in a Wal*mart parking lot the previous afternoon. To add to the humiliation, under his name in parenthesis they squeezed in (singer of Whitesnake). His manager is the devil!

#4 The Clever Play on Words
We were in the van talking about the stiffness that one gets from too much computer use and someone thought it was called corpol tunnel. Immediately Robert launches into character. He starts shouting with a perfect drill sergeant tone, “I am Corporal Tunnel! I am going to put you in a world of pain! Click the mouse! Repeat! Repeat! Repeat!”

#3 Terrorizing Suburbia
So after the band performed Friday night we went back and partied in the hotel room for a while. Around 3:30 Jack asked if I want to go for a walk and we ended up wandering around a suburban neighborhood in search of something to claim as a souvenir. I was hoping to find a groovy little lawn gnome. The best we could do was a two foot, American flag patterned pin wheel. Over the weekend it made it’s way to the top of our mini van, into the hotel pool, and finally resting in the median about a block away from it's original yard.

#2 The Tuber Puns
On our way home Sunday we stopped in the middle of nowhere for lunch. This place could have just as easily been found in the mid-west. The tabletop surface was covered with pictures of firearms and the waitresses still donned big bangs. After looking at the menu Jamie blurts out that ‘country potatoes’ sounds like a good name for a band. Jack sang, “Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be french fries”. I added in a Southern accent, “Howdy we’re the Country Potatoes. We’re from Idaho and I’m Russ. Join us in welcoming our bassist, he’s new, and never mind our pothead drummer he’s probably baked”. We were howling!

#1 Mobile Directing
The seating arrangement for the ride home was me sitting in the last seat of the van with Jack, Robert in the middle seat with Shawn, Jamie in the passenger seat, and his girlfriend Danielle driving. Robert had a great idea for a skit so we sat the camera on the dashboard facing back, and hit record. It starts with the focus on Jack and I smooching in the back. Seconds later Danielle and Jamie lean in for a quick peck. Shawn and Robert note the little smooch. They then turn around and look at us kissing, and face forward again. Simultaneously Shawn and Robert make eye contact with each other and lean in for a passionate kiss. Robert noted the caption should read 'Kiss the girl ?'

Okay the real #1 is the show of course. Our boys rocked the cafe hard! They had the most fans, the closest to the stage fans, and they're music was simply the best!
Pictures are on your Majesty's photo page and we should have the edited footage of the trip in the near future. Until then this is Your Majesty saying rock out and roll on!
Like, I can't believe the Kelly Osborne concert was cancelled last night. If they cancel Lisa Marie Presley when she comes I'll just die!
I am The Queen of Time Wasters
Request to have the wool removed from over my eyes please.
I should be packing for the big move but instead........

April 10, 2003

Friendly Concern

In reference to my Hawaii adventure, I was reminded to NOT pick up any Tiki Idols I may find washed ashore. Will DO! The last thing this non-swimmer needs is a water related mishap.

April 09, 2003

p.s. to "These Are The People"

I was just down at my corner market and the owner told me that the police escorted the junkie out of the laundromat with a heroin filled needle in her arm, and then told her they didn't want to see her around there anymore, as they drove away.
I'm beginning to feel an aching in my solar plexus when I think about not hanging out with my friends on a regular basis. A friend told me last night that I'll feel much better when I'm on the plane, taking off for my adventure. I just need to express how much love I have for my tribe right now. I only hope that I've been as good a friend as I know mine have been for me.
These Are The People In Your Neighborhood.......

You know it's time to move when you're doing your laundry at the local mat and you have to call the police to remove the junkie who's shooting up five feet away from you. This mangy looking woman staggered in and leaned over the garbage can and I thought she was just rummaging through the trash. Several minutes passed and she was still there but her back was to me so I didn't see what she was doing. The owner of the laundromat came in and walked around to where she could see what the druggie was doing, and motioned for me to walk outside. We called the SFPD who arrived about ten minutes later. The silver lining is that neighbors around the mat kept popping in and asking me if I was okay while I pulled my clothes out of the dryer, and asked if I wanted them to wait with me for the police. That's community.

Between the catty stares from women at a concert last night, and the cat calls from men while out running errands this morning, it's confirmed that stick straight hair suits me well. And now a word from our sponsor. The Farouk Ceramic Hairstyling Iron. Who cares that it costs over a hundred bucks, you'll look like a million! Curls are SO last week.
Bjork's Competition

I finally got to see Sigur Ros last night at the Paramount theatre in Oakland. An opulent venue and a captivating show. I've never sat for an entire music performance yet I was filled with this beautiful vibration that left a permanent grin on my face. I think I sat on the edge of my seat with my chin in my hands for almost the entire set. Those Icelandic men know how to stir the soul!

April 04, 2003

Satisfying Sunday

Sunday morning I joined my roomie for his interview with Bravo for their new reality series Gay Date. Fifteen men competing for a date with one man. My roomie was the only one who brought his "hag", they got a kick out of that. At one point the interviewer introduced himself as Peter, the guy he was shaking hands with said his name was Paul, and someone shouted out "And we're all Mary'! We ran into a few other gay boys we knew while we were there, it's a small gay world.

For lunch we picked up Brothers In Law barbecue which we've never treated ourselves to, and ate sloppy ribs on our roof deck overlooking the city. We commented that it didn't get any better than this. I was right. I've had digestion issues ever since eating that damn dirty pig!

Sunday afternoon we walked down to El Rio for live Salsa music and kick-ass margaritas. Now it's usually a pretty much gay crowd, but Sunday it sounded like a thousand tires leaking air. There were a surprising amount of fashion blunders this warm and sunny afternoon. One friend commented that he thought as soon as a man sucks dick is tendency to wear bad things went right out the window. We joked that maybe a few didn't stick one in all the way, perhaps they just licked it a little. Here are the top three fashion no-nos.
#3 Fresh off the Yacht - Late forties, very handsome, slick back gray hair, navy blue polo shirt, khaki shorts, and loafers with no socks on! I wanted to call him Biff and ask him where Muffy was.
#2 Hasn't purchased clothes since the early nineties - Late thirties, plain looking, dull blondish hair, a washed entirely too much to be worn in public white t-shirt, denim shorts that hung just a little too far below the knee, and white socks pulled up to his calves with white sneakers. Someone give that man a calendar!
#1 The International Male - Mid-thirties, plain looking, badly dyed blonde hair, a wheat colored sweater vest with only his abnormally overgrown muscles bulging from underneath, jeans and flip-flops. Sweetie, leave the house to buy your clothes from now on!

These are merely observations people. I think hair, make-up and clothes are all free reign because they can be changed. You know that I would never make fun of a fundamental characteristic. Not out loud anyway!

April 03, 2003

Royal Treatment

Last Friday night I went to a friend's house and he made dinner for me. We gorged ourselves sick on foire gras, cheese and bread, a scrumptuous green salad with seared scallops, pasta with mushrooms, and the sweetest homemade pecan pie this side of the Mississippi. I had a whole PIE made for me, how you like me now?
Smack of Reality

Yesterday I traded my Bose Wave Radio/Cd player and a hundred bucks for a brand new MP3 player. While making the deal I knew it was a good thing, and I was stoked to start ripping cds to the little device. The minute I closed the door behind the guy, I was hit with buyer's remorse. I kept thinking of how the Bose would have been perfect to have in case I did settle somewhere new, and how maybe it wasn't a fair trade. My roomie tried to do the right thing by reassuring me I got a deal. I told him I needed to pout for a while. Moments later it became clear what the real issue was. This was the first tangible sign that I was moving on. I had physically parted with this thing, that at one time, was a hallmark moment for me because I had purchased something of great quality for my new life in the big city four years ago. I cried for about ten minutes. How am I going to say farewell to friends when I can't even bear to let go of a silly cd player? If you're not hurting you're not growing right?
On the positive side, I got a terrific backpack from a friend last night, long-term traveler loan. Thanks Elle!
Did you know that taquitos are "The Quintessential Beefy Stick"? She wasn't even stoned like the rest of us when she said it!

April 01, 2003

I was watching "Sex Lies and Videotape" yesterday and James Spader's character said that "Men learn to love who they're having sex with and women become more and more attracted to the men that they're in love with". What do you think? I think I must be living my life as a man! Until The Brit a couple of years ago I more often than not dated men I was more physically attracted to than emotionally or romantically. Just recently I was told that I quote movies like a dude. And have you seen the size of my hands and feet?!
No really, I attribute the intense physical draw to part of growing up. Why I've turned away from many strictly physical potentials in recent years because I knew I wanted more. So does that prove once again that men never grow up? Oh no, she went there! Seriously, I am completely aware of the differences between men and women and I embrace them!
Shower Wall Scriptures

"You are what/who you eat"

"I gave the gift of breath to the North bound compass, and it used the pretty ribbon to tie a thousand riddles"

"Try not to use your teeth when you eat my ass"

March 27, 2003

Beach Life Here I Come

So I've modified my Kauai plans. One week here in Princeville, and then I'm staying indefinitely time at the hostel in Kapaa. Come and visit!!!

March 25, 2003

Too Many Thoughts

I might be considered OCD since purchasing bath time crayons so that I can jot down ideas rolling around in my head on my shower walls. Of course my roomie took it in another direction and I was greeted with a drippy "REDRUM" in red crayon this morning.
Name That Affliction

Is there a named condition yet, where conversation, without fail, prompts one to extract key words from the dialogue and then instinctively sing a line from a song with those words in it or that best relates to the topic or mood? I am the world's biggest sufferer. It's reactionary, I have no control. How do you people stand it?
Seniors on the Web

Anyone else find it disturbing that I got this link from my grandpa?
Let's Rewind
I'm Getting Leid!!!

As unemployed as I can be I made arrangements to go play on Kauai in May. Your Majesty needs to make some serious coin in April. Suggestions greatly appreciated minus the selling of body parts and sexual favors.

March 24, 2003

Therapy Review

Today Lucy and I chatted about the evolution of friendships and how each relationship serves an outlet for our many facets. I'm not just a kind of person. I am a leader, a student, a performer, a pillar, a diplomat, an acquaintance, a muse. For the most part I wasn't comfortable being all parts of myself (the good, the bad and the ugly) with people until just four years ago. This is still unchartered territory, discovering new ways that I express myself with every new relationship. I'm also facing mixed emotions about distancing myself from friendships that have time invested, but aren't healthy, and others phasing me out of their lives. I'm taking a break from a friend of almost two decades because I no longer feel that this person enriches my life in a positive way. To this person I feel like I am an ear, a cheerleader, a last resort. I have fond memories, but I need space to see what qualities I miss, if any. Another friend has gradually stopped inviting to do things, and our conversations get progressively more awkward. a is to b what b is to c. I've recently made a friend who evokes yet another dimension of Reese, and I'm intrigued by this one. It's calmer; less showy. Without my typical antics I feel exposed. As with any unfamiliar situation, my first instinct is to go back to what's comfortable. Vulnerability is my biggest challenge. I accept.
Ay Oh. Oh Ay.

I went out in North Beach last night. It's the first time since I've been in the city, and boy do I know why. I only went because a friend put us on the VIP list for a fairly new club called Chi Chi. YIKES! The women were dressed like strippers complete with the clear heeled chase-me-catch-me-fuck-me pumps, and the men were condescending cheeseballs. I was approached by a guy with his shirt unbuttoned obscenely low and gold chains nestled in his chest hair. I joked with my friend that it wouldn't be long before I heard a "How YOU doin'"? 45 minutes. My friend joked that the night wouldn't be complete without a drunk girl screaming out of the sunroof of a limo. A Mustang would have to do.
Other Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong il. Everybody knows we're the best evils at being evil ... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia announced that they had formed the, "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia, and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand, and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Counties Whose Names End in Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Saturday I Fled

I rode out to Pt. Reyes with a friend, in his little Alfa Romeo, top down, fog on our faces and heat on our toes. We sat for a spell on the beach and snacked and gabbed and I appreciated the calming effect of the waves. No more city sounds, no cell phones, no email, just wide open ocean. We saw four little seals playing in the surf and many varieties of birds. Ah yes the birds. My friend is an involuntary wealth of ornithologic knowledge. I find it amusing. We continued on to the lighthouse for a nice view of the fog, and I toyed with the idea of climbing over the safety fence and plumitting to my death to retrieve what looked like a small plastic cricket with a snap on his chest, (perhaps it will be curiosity and not vanity that will be my demise) then headed back with dinner as our goal. We made our way to the Pt. Reyes Station. Earlier we had been talking about different restaurants in the city and I mentioned that I heard Brothers-In-Law on Divisadero was the best place for barbecue. I took a moment to relish in how much I miss 'the pig' but haven't had much since I started eating meat again last year. I get a little skeezed out thinking of the process. But Niman Ranch meats, that's different! And Niman Ranch Spare Ribs they offered. And Niman Ranch Spare Ribs are what I ordered, and ate with greasy delight. I rounded out my decadence with the tartest Lemon Pot de Creme in the universe, and left fat and happy. All I need is a little reprieve.

March 22, 2003

Corporate America divvies up the post-Saddam spoils
Think of it as a for-profit Marshall Plan
by Arianna Huffington

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner in Iraq. Yes, I know that the first smart bomb has yet to be dropped on Baghdad. But that's just a formality. The war has already been won. The conquering heroes are not generals in fatigues but CEOs in suits, and the shock troops are not an advance guard of commandos but legions of lobbyists.
The Bush administration is currently in the process of doling out over $1.5 billion in government contracts to American companies lining up to cash in on the rebuilding of postwar Iraq. Bombs away! The more destruction the better -- at least for the lucky few in the rebuilding business.

The United Nations has traditionally overseen the reconstruction of war zones like Afghanistan or Kosovo. But in keeping with its unilateral, the-world-is-our-sandbox approach to this invasion, the White House has decided to nail a "Made in the USA" sign on this Iraqi fixer-upper. Postwar Iraq will be rebuilt using red, white, and blueprints.

Talk about advance planning: Even as the people of Iraq are girding themselves for the thousands of bombs expected to rain down on them during the first 24 hours of the attack, the administration is already picking and choosing who will be given the lucrative job of cleaning up the rubble. Postwar rebuilding is a solitary bright spot in our own carpet-bombed economy.

To further expedite matters, the war-powers-that-be invoked "urgent circumstances" clauses that allowed them to subvert the requisite competitive bidding process -- the free market be damned -- and invite a select group of companies to bid on the rebuilding projects. No British companies were included, which has left many of them seething and meeting with government officials in London to find out where they stand.

So just which companies were given first crack at the post-Saddam spoils?

Well, given Team Bush's track record, it will probably not fill you with "shock and awe" to learn that the common denominator among the chosen few is a proven willingness to make large campaign donations to the Grand Old Party. Between them, the bidders -- a quartet of well-connected corporate consortiums that includes Bechtel Group, Fluor Corp., and, of course, Vice President Cheney's old cronies at Halliburton -- have donated a combined $2.8 million over the past two election cycles, 68 percent of which went to Republicans.

The insider track given these fat cat donors proves afresh that splurging on a politician is one of the soundest and safest investments you can make. Where else will a $2.8 million ante offer you a one-in-four shot at raking in a $1.5 billion payoff?

And that $1.5 billion is just for starters. The president is planning to give post-Saddam Iraq an extreme makeover -- a wide-ranging overhaul that will include the transformation of the country's educational, health-care, and banking systems -- all funded by taxpayer dollars and administered by private U.S. contractors. Think of it as a for-profit Marshall Plan.

"The administration's goal," reads one of the reconstruction contracts that are up for bids, "is to provide tangible evidence to the people of Iraq that the U.S. will support efforts to bring the country to political security and economic prosperity."

As a first step toward Iraqi prosperity, the president's ambitious postwar plan earmarks $100 million to ensure that Iraq's 25,000 schools have all the supplies and support necessary to "function at a standard level of quality" -- including books and supplies for 4.1 million Iraqi schoolchildren.

I'm sure those schools in Oregon that are being forced to shut down a month early due to inadequate funding, or the low-income students in California who are suing the state in a desperate effort to obtain adequate textbooks and qualified teachers of their own, would love to see the same kind of "tangible evidence" of President Bush's support.

The same goes for our flatlining public health-care system. While more than a million poor Americans are about to lose their access to publicly funded medical care, the president is in the market for a corporate contractor to oversee a $100 million upgrade of Iraq's hospitals and clinics.

And the White House has announced its intention to redesign Iraq's financial rules and banking system after it bombs the country halfway to oblivion. Too bad the administration keeps watering down reforms for the financial rules and banking system here at home.

That's another way corporate America is profiting from the looming war. With all eyes on Iraq, few are paying attention to how little is being done to reform and redesign our own financial rules.

The new chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, for instance, is getting away with an enforcement regime every bit as limp as that of his predecessor, the supremely spineless Harvey Pitt.

Last week, in his first congressional testimony since assuming control of the watchdog agency, William Donaldson made it clear that, despite a massive increase in the SEC's budget, we shouldn't expect too much in the way of fundamental reform -- stressing that one of his top priorities would be boosting the morale of the agency.

I don't know about you, but I would feel a whole lot better if he'd made boosting the morale of a badly burned public Job No. 1. Tossing a slew of corporate crooks in the slammer would be a good start.

Maybe America's beleaguered investors should band together with this country's "left behind" schoolchildren and start stockpiling a couple of plywood drones with overly long wingspans, some high-strength aluminum tubes, and a few discarded canisters of chemical gas.

Apparently, that's the only way to get this administration's attention.

March 21, 2003

Freudian Slip

Since I've had my days free I've been popping up to my roof to catch some rays. Usually only about 30 minutes, front side up. I just feel happier when I have a little color. I just got done laying out today when my roomie called and asked how my day was going. I told him what I had accomplished including the sun bathing and he asked "Wasn't it too cold"? I said "Yeah it was a little chilly but I needed about an hour on my back". His reply, "Don't we all honey"!

February 24, 2003

Responses to Polygamy My Ass!

--"Yes, it is true; a European man can be in love with one and have sex
another. The one he loves is obviously the one that has taken his
heart not
his body. Sex is very open in Europe and most European do not have
hang ups. It is sort of like a test you know. If one is committed
have sex with another, it will either make the relationship stronger
weaker. It is like testing your feelings really."

--"Believe me, this is NOT a European thing, and it’s NOT common in Europe. I was born and raised in Holland (arguably the most liberal country in the world) and believe me, if MY boyfriend would dare suggest something like that, he would find his ass out the door ASAP.
If you love somebody, you don’t want to share them, and you don’t need anybody else, in ANY culture. He’s full of shit."

--"I'm from northern Europe and I have
heard of this being common anywhere. Just as it is uncommon here it is
uncommon over there, believe me. I think it's more of an individual
than anything else (whatever this guy says). Please don't think all
Europeans are this way. Northern Europe is the most liberal place you
find and even there - same rules apply. If you are in a relationship
should stick to one person only.
Like you, I can't understand how you can love someone and then be with
someone else too. I guess this is the ideal situation for some men, but
as a woman I wouldn't (and couldn't) tolerate it.

Anyway, good luck to you. There are tons of great European men in the
who aren't into this sort of stuff. Keep your eyes open and take care
that heart of yours. This Austrian guys sounds like trouble."

--"I live with a European and know many...its a complete line. Total crap.
not common practice in Europe. Don't ever fall for the "up-tight
thing. What's common is slimy foreign men using the age old whopper. I
wouldn't trust him to save your own life. Enjoy the tension but that
one's s
scam artist. Stay away!"

Polygamy My Ass!

Crushed by my crush. I may see things differently in days to come, but tell me now, where is the merit in this exchange. It was lust as first sight. I flirt with a man for five days. A beautiful, thirty-six year old, Austrian marine biologist/photographer with a name that rolls off of your tongue. He's supposed to be photographing me in front of bed legs (the main focus of the shoot), but its so captivated with me, he forgets about his assignment and shoots several rolls of me alone. He acknowledges the attraction is mutual. On the last night of the project, we wind up tipsy and naked in a hot tub. After several hours of intense heavy petting in the pool house and the hot tub, he casually informs me that he would very much like to be with me, but I would have to be a part of his pre-existing four year relationship with the woman he loves. He says that only Americans have the jealousy hang-up and if I would just open my mind to the possibilities, he thinks that I would find it satisfying. Now maybe I'm confused from the booze. Perhaps I'm disoriented because I've been up for two days straight. Call me American. But if I'm going to like someone this much, I want them all to myself. Is that so wrong? Should I get on board with a new relationship for a new millennium? FUCK NO! I'm not spending precious energy getting someone hot and horny so he can go home to his girlfriend.

Opinions Wanted: Would any of my loyal subjects be up for a love triangle?

February 20, 2003

I Have Arrived

I was just checking my web stats (vanity will surely be my demise) and I saw that someone was referred to by Google. Yes Google now acknowledges my expanding empire. (insert evil villain laugh here)

February 15, 2003

February 14, 2003

All day long men have been walking around my neighborhood with bunches of flowers in hand. Where's mine????

February 12, 2003

Final Straw

Even with no source of income I ordered DSL. No up front charges and $44/mo for the uber-fast. It will be active next Tuesday. As much as I appreciate a free dial up connection, I could no longer bear to wait several hours for each song to download off of Kazaa, when I know that with DSL you can begin listening to the song before it's finished downloading. White girl ain't got TIME to pirate music at a snail's pace!

February 08, 2003

from an email:

To whom it may concern:
> for the offensive article regarding Latinos and the Spanish language
> which appears in the February 2003 issue of Vanity Fair. In the
> meantime, please boycott Vanity Fair magazine,
> and urge others to do the same.
> If you are offended by the word-for-word transcription below, please
> copy (rather than forward) this email in a new message, sign it at the
> end of the list, and send it to all of the
> people whom you know. If you receive this list with 100 names signed,
> please send it to the Editor at:
> and copy maldonado
>>>>> > > > > wendy@hotmail
> Thank you!
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> Excerpt, Vanity Fair (February 2003), p. 116, Ask Dame Edna:Dear Dame Edna,
> I would very much like to learn a foreign language, preferably French
> or Italian, but every time I mention this, people tell me to learn
> Spanish instead. They say, "Everyone is going to be speaking Spanish in
> 10 years. George W. Bush speaks
> Spanish." Could this be true? Are we all going to have to speak
> Spanish?
> Torn Romantic, Palm Beach
>>> > >
> Dear Torn:
> Forget Spanish. There's nothing in that language worth reading except
> Don Quixote, and a quick listen to the CD of Man of La Mancha will take
> care of that. There was a poet named Garcia Lorca, but I'd leave him on
> the intellectual back burner if I were
> you. As for everyone's speaking it, what twaddle! Who speaks it that
> you are really desperate to talk to? The
> help? Your leaf blower? Study French or German, where there are a t
> least a few books worth reading, or, if
> you're American, try English.
>>> > > Dame Edna
>>> > > ----------------------------------------
> Dear Editor,
> I was infuriated at Dame Edna's response to Torn Romantic,, Palm Beach
> (Vanity Fair, February 2003). Dame Edna
> could have chosen any number of amusing responses; however, she
> responded using cheap, two-dimensional
> stereotypes of Latinos and Latin Americans, revealing not only her
> racism but also her profound ignorance of who
> we are.
>>> > >
> We are not just 'the help' and the 'leaf blowers'. We are architects
> and activists, journalists and doctors, governors and athletes,
> scientists and business people. We are Nobel Prize
> Winners and Rhodes Scholars. We speak Spanish, but we also speak
> fluent English, and many of us speak other
> languages as well. As of last week, we are officially the largest
> minority population in the United States at 37
> million and 13% of the population.
> Without us, the economy o f this nation and the Americas, and
> consequently the world, would come to a complete standstill.
> If Dame Edna were even remotely cultured or educated, she would have
> read and lost herself in the exquisite
> writings of Nobel prize winners Octavio Paz, Gabriel Garcia-Marquez,
> and Pablo Neruda. She would know that
> Sor Juana Inez de la Cruz was one of the first feminists and poets in
> the Americas. She would admire Isabel
> Allende and Sandra Cisneros for their passionate prose and vibrant
> spirits.
> And of course, if it had not been for us, the world would not know
> chocolate! And everyone knows life would not be worth living without
> chocolate.
> Finally, I would like to point out that Dame Edna would have NEVER
> written such blatantly offensive material about African-Americans or
> Jews, for obvious reasons. It seems that
> Dame Edna AND the Editors of Vanity Fair believe that Latinos and
> Latin Americans cannot read, and even if we
> could, we would never be Vanity Fair readers. For the life of me, I
> still cannot figure out why you chose to
> feature Salma Hayek on the cover and in an article celebrating her
> success immediately following such an
> offensive piece.
> demand an apology in print in the next issue of Vanity Fair from the
> Editors and from Dame Edna. In the meantime, I will be mobilizing
> everyone I know to boycott and protest Vanity Fair.
> By the way, I am a 31-year old Mexican-American woman, with three Ivy
> League degrees, working in New York
> City at a major firm. I sure as hell am NOT the leaf blower or the
> help, and I think all of you need to go to college.

from an email:

> > >The Bush White House has an "opinion" line for you
> > to call. So, if
> > >you oppose the proposed war in Iraq, give a call.
> > >
> > >The line only accepts calls from 9-5 EST., Monday
> > thru Friday. Just
> > >call the White House at 202-456-1111.
> > >
> > >A machine will detain you for only a moment and
> > then a pleasant
> > >live operator will thank you for saying "I oppose"
> > or "I
> > >approve." It will only take minutes. Note that the
> > >weekends are closed for calls.
> > >The president has said that he wants to know what
> > the American people
> > >are thinking. Let him know. Time is running out.

February 07, 2003

Click on this link below and then type in your name...
Ego Boost

February 05, 2003


Last night I had a quasi-conversation with someone whose only contribution was “Right on”, with varying tones based on the mood of my comment. I could have told him that I was a psychopathic stalker who has chosen him as my next target and I would have gotten an encouraging “Right on”. I could have told him that I was hit by a bus and I'll never walk again and I would have gotten a sympathetic “Right on”. Cute and stupid doesn’t work for this Modern Monarch. I’ve decided that I don’t want to hang out with you again. (Unphased) “Right on”.

January 31, 2003

About A Boy. This movie was so much more touching than I had any idea it would be. Still didn't turn me on to Hugh Grant, but his character was likeable.
Take Note!

January 30, 2003

Mad Ass Cap Adventure

What a pleasant surprise it was for me to run into a cute boy that I met at the Oakenfold show in December. I hadn't been to Minna in ages and needed to let off some steam in a big way. Four hours and five Chimays later (cutie wound up wearing number six after a wild elbow to my wrist. It's dangerous on the dance floor) I left with cutie and we met up with his co-workers at La Colonial. What possessed me to continue consuming alcohol is beyond me, but I had another Chimay and partook in a group Kamakazie shot. I remember cutie drank two double Mojitos. I remember much opposition regarding cutie's boss driving home as he could barely make it to the loo without taking a tumble. We cabbed it to his boss's car where one of us other intoxicants were going to attempt to drive to The O.S.B. on Polk. The boss wound up driving the three block trek (for some reason it made sense last night) and we started a game of pool. About fifteen minutes later the police arrived, pointing out that the boss had parked in a handicapped space. After much drunken conversation with the authorities, it was decided the car was going to be towed. The boss called his boyfriend for a little back up, but the boyfriend left him high and dry. The entire cab ride back to my house (this too sounded like a better idea last night) he was screaming into his cell phone leaving the same slurred message over and over for his boyfriend, "I bailed you out of jail last weekend and you can't even come and pick me up after my car just got towed"?! "I spent a thousand dollars and stayed up for thirty-five hours (approximately. This number increased with every message) and you won't help me"?! "I'll remember this BITCH"! And later added while sitting on my sofa "My ex-boyfriend keeps calling me and you know what"?, "I'm going to go back to him"! He crashed on my sofa. I heard him leave this morning. Poor thing, I bet he didn't have any idea where he was or which end was up. Cutie on the other hand knew exactly which end was up IF-you know what I mean *nudge* It was great redemption for him being a car salesman. Is that harsh?

Grant me leniency on punctuation, grammar, spelling, and anything that requires technical thought. I'm so hung right now I'm shaking worse that Michael J. Fox. Oh shut up, you know you laughed inside. Anyway I don't care, I got laid!

January 28, 2003

There's a really greasy old man standing under my window with a portable radio blasting big band music, waving his hands and whistling to the tune. Reminds me of living on Jones and Sutter. *sniff*
San Francisco Bay Area Math Test!!!

1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their
commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked
two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile
per hour, how much time will they spend discussing
their relationship in public?

2. Michael lives in Los Altos Hills and has two
abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional
parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person
he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready
to go home if one person walks by the window of the
sushi bar every three minutes?

3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of
getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing,
what is the likelihood that Sanjeev will need to
hitchhike to Berkeley during the next week to renew
his erythromycin prescription?

4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda
and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him
$1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write
the check for?

5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to
destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal
rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many
people did each dead rat empower?

6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white
sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the
likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be
socks of color?

7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple
lattes every morning while working on his laptop. If
each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what
is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?

8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them
recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda
bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per
month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus
or deficit? (Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic
bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they

9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker
in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12
pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not
eat them?

10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1
bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a
single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if
he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met
only one double-amputee?

Advanced Placement Students Only:

11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a
three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month.
Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other
three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to
run their web servers. None of them wants to use the
futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want
to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.
What is their best option:

a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as
handgun monitors at Mission High.

b. Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share
Effie and Trip's bedroom for $500/month.

c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling
her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.

d. Rent strike.

I added: If Dan and Renee walk down 24th Street at one block every two minutes, to go to Barney's Burgers, how many strollers will they dodge, and how many babies named Hunter will drool on their Campers?
20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...

> > 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
> > 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my
> > bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
> > 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and
> > honestly believe I could do it too.
> > 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy
> > Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
> > 5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating
> > even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on
> > it.
> > 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
> > 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
> > 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
> > 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
> > 10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
> > sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
> > 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
> > keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
> > 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
> > 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
> > just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
> > 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
> > floor.
> > 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this
> > the WRONG WAY but..."
> > 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
> > 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
> > 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
> > standing) and take a quick nap.
> > 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut
> > down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
> > 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
> > having problems walking straight.

Thankfully I can't testify to this behavior in recent years, but there was a time ladies and gentleman, when this was a routine night out for Your Majesty. With a bit of vomiting and police action thrown in for good measure. At least five nights a week for three years. I've come a long way baby!
This is what happens when you have no job.

A Blind man goes into a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a
drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey,
you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should
know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Stretching it just a bit? Maaaaaybe. I can see how one might see the resemblance, but I cannot see how one convinced enough others to gain international attention.
Get Involved! Now all of America can be just as incoherent as our leader.

January 26, 2003


I'm constantly asked what we talk about at my weekly Ladees Nite. Most men assume all we do is male bash. This isn't true. We cover a myriad of topics including current events, cooking, parenting, and our careers. It's not intentional that the conversation steers in the direction of the opposite sex. Last Wednesday we were discussing the characteristics of autism. With our combined knowledge we knew that people with autism liked to be squished, they like dark spaces, they see people as objects, they don't understand emotion, and can get lost in repetition. Before long we realized the same characteristics were true of the penis. I decided to do a brief internet search of other symptoms of autism, and sure enough, you could diagnose every male organ with this enigmatic disease.


1. Failure to develop normal socialization
-can’t develop normal social skills
-can’t show emotion
-apathetic and unresponsive
-little or no eye contact
-people used as a "means to an end", as tools
-inability to relate to the world

2. Disturbances in Speech, Language, and Communication
-second major symptom: speech problems.
- 40% of kids with autism do not speak at all
-Have echolalia (link to page with key terms)
-Pragmatics (non verbal communication /social interactions is impaired.

3. Abnormal Relationships to Objects and Events
-unable to relate normally to things and events.
-many have a "need for sameness" and may become upset if their environment/schedule is changed.
-need for routine.
-playing by self, lining up items, etc.
-responses to playing, etc, may change with time.

4. Abnormal Responses to Sensory Stimulation
-respond to stimuli differently: ex. "we" filter out car alarms, police alarms, autistic children don’t and may cover their ears, shout, etc.
-tendency to "overattend" some things and "underattend" others.
-may even seem deaf at times.
-may be fascinated with letters, lights, etc.
-enjoy being thrown in the air or spinning.
-may be indifferent to cold or pain.

The following list, developed by the National Society for Children and Adults with Autism portrays the signs and symptoms of autism. If a child exhibits 7 or more of these behaviors and if the behavior is constant and age inappropriate, further evaluation is recommended.
Resists normal teaching methods
Inappropriate laughing and giggling
Lack of speech or impaired speech
Acts as if deaf
No fear of real dangers
Apparent insensitivity to pain
Spins objects
Not cuddly

Sustained odd play
Uneven fine/gross motor skills: May not be able to kick a ball but can stack blocks.
No eye contact
Standoffish manner

Difficulty in mixing with other children
Resists change in routine
Unusual perceptual stimuli: Looking “through” people.
Inappropriate attachments to objects
Marked physical overactivity or extreme passivity

Crying tantrums: Extreme distress for no discernible reason.

Make Sure Your Connected
-Stereo MC's

Your Majesty is coming to you live and direct from her bedroom. If I'm not mistaken, I am the last person I know to finally merge onto the information super highway from the comfort of my own home. Graciously donated by my angel of a friend Becca, I have a couple of bonuses too, like free internet and a cd burner. I see many 3am postings in my future boys and girls.

January 25, 2003

I know. It's been entirely too long, but I don't have much computer access now that I'm unemployed. Oh yes, within a week I comforted my dying great-grandmother, learned much about my biological father for the first time in my life, and got canned. It's been heavy, but I'm confident with time it will all be manageable once again. Thanks bunches for all of your concerned emails. It feels good to be missed!

January 09, 2003

Grooming 101

The Best Part of Waking Up

I keep my dream journal in my bathroom so that first thing when I wake up I can jot down my twisted visions from the night. I was writing in it this morning and I noticed an entry on the following page in someone else's handwriting that read "Suck it long, suck it hard, but make no mistake you will suck it" signed Bill Clinton. The only thing I can think of is that someone who's been over my house thought it was a bathroom guestbook.

January 08, 2003

Super therapy on Monday. It's unbelievable how much relief I get from simply labeling the residual emotions from my past. I've always had the healthy attitude of allowing myself to feel everything but not to stay there. That's important to keep in mind because when 20 year-old pain comes flooding to the surface, I don't want to drown in it. I spent so much of my youth parenting myself, that I haven't taken a break to enjoy who I've become. Insert hokey mantra here-2003 is all about me! Actually it's always been about me, but I thought it was funny that it happened to rhyme.
from an email:


1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?
One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English
was invented by people and not computers and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't BUICK rhyme with QUICK?