Model Employee

Anyone else might be jolted if they were greeted with the following task note in their INBOX from a co-worker. I however, punctually scribed a reply and returned the completed task sheet to the requestor.

To: qr
From:XX
Needed by: EMERGENCY
Remarks: What would a woman do with her soiled tampons if she was at someone's house for a dinner party. Beaded gowns and menstruation don't mix well. Thanks!

Be Still My Beating Heart

It was a dark and gloomy morning in Fog City. Typically I'd start a day like this with a mug of soothing tea, but today a cup of hot chocolate sounded warm and fuzzy. Little did I know it would make me warm and buzzy. Right this moment my co-workers are hunting high and low for a spatula to pry my jittery body from the ceiling. Shortly after my small indulgence this morning my body began to tremble like a chihuahua with a nervous tick. I raced to the kitchen to scan the container of liquid lightning for any ingredients that may be cocaine based and quickly noticed the little coffee beans nestled in the background on the label. Seems this is Hot Cocolate Mocha. I was under the impression that mocha was chocolate. Apparently Ghirardelli believes it to be the key ingredient for heart failure. Have no fear my followers, I'm drinking oceans of water getting a lot of work done.

Nothing says love like a 4" thick rice krispy treat.

Thank You

Last night I popped by my neighbor friend's house after seeing Austin Powers Goldmember which is the funniest movie I've seen in an oh too long time, and she surprised me with 2 books on the voice over industry. Could she BE more thoughtful? How lucky am I to have a friend who supports me on my path!
THEN I came into work today and my sweet friend the intern had brought me a handmade bar of soap with a little plastic pink frog inside because I had made her some of my special sleepy tea, even though it had a reverse effect on her as it does me and kept her up for several hours past her bed time, but now she knows what to drink when she needs a boost and I have coconut smelling glycerin to make me squeaky clean and I'll wind up with a new pink amphibian! Today is a good day.

Monday, Monday. La La, La La La....

Friday after work I met some friends that I haven't seen in too long at the Lucky 13. I also met up with the boy who bought my mattress cover. Can I just tell you how nice it is to talk to someone who has a brain! Cool points right off the bat for having read the works of Lewis Carroll. He's shy but still funny, and has super beefy forearms. If he calls and asks me out again, I would accept although I may have scared him off. I get a wee bit too talkative after a couple of pints. I know, it's hard for you to imagine Your Majesty in a babbling state, but I cannot deny my flaws.
Saturday I went to see The Bourne Identity. The action was satisfactory but the camera angles made me so motion sick that I actually had to get up and move to the back row in the theatre. Of course the tone of the movie may have been sabotaged in the lobby when I was robbed by the concession stand attendee. All I wanted was a cup of water and I actually had to pay the price of a medium drink ($3.75) for a cup of ice. They didn't even provide the water, I had to fill it from the nasty ass fountain. Saturday night I stayed in and watched Shallow Hal and Kate and Leopold. Yeah I know but at least I'm courteous enough to reserve these movies for my alone nights and not torture anyone I really care about.
Sunday morning I made my special irish moss shake for my neighbor friend, then I headed out to Stern Grove for an afternoon of relaxing music, tasty nibbles, and the company of friends. It was an unusually sunny day in the Sunset, and we soaked it up until the fog rolled in. Sunday night we gathered for Sex and the City and it was a dark episode that left the three of us singletons wondering if we were destined to be bitter. Nay I say. Enjoy this precious time we have for ourselves. Relish in your selfishness!

My favorite thing today: Friends who give me a free computer and other friends who pick it up and bring it to my house. I love you guys!

Back Dat Ass Up

Re: My co-worker.
For someone who is so vocal about her objection to booty sex, she sure does use the word heinous a lot.

Seperate Lives

I am partly blue. I am actually in an incredibly good mood otherwise than what I have to write about. It's a full moon, I'm going dancing with friends, I had great ideas for my new website last night, but I got an email from Big Head this morning. Oh the dramatics of Big Head both figuratively and literally (yes ladies I declare)! He was the first guy I dated when I moved to the city in June of 99. He is handsome, funny, well read, and adventurous. We dated for a few months but he started driving me crazy. I didn't want a relationship since I had just moved to the big city, we had a terrible conflict of egos, and he was just too heavy for me. We vowed never to speak to each other ever again for as long as we both should live. Despite this, he was and still is, the greatest lover of my life.
We ran into each other the following Spring and began our second affair which lasted about 4 months. It was better this time with more mind blowing sex, better communication, and meeting his parents, but I was still having fun dating other people and again he started driving me crazy. We parted this time saying we should be friends, but we didn't speak for several months.
Year three. He emailed Spring of the following year (something about that time of year) and said that he was living in San Diego and in the fall he was moving to Barcelona. We started emailing and I went down to see him a few times. We got along famously this go-round. We stopped trying to irritate one another and just hung out. We laughed, made love, went on hikes, went to a wedding together, we were growing stronger. Perhaps it was because there was no pressure of commitment since he was moving to another continent, I don't know. He left in September and we've emailed about every week since. Sometimes his emails were too dramatic and I was happy he was so far away. Other times he would get a calling card and call and I couldn't wait for him to come home this Summer. He moved to Prague shortly after Barcelona and started living with a girl and at the same time I had my first admitted boyfriend in nearly a decade. In March we both coincidentally broke up with our respective significant others within a week of each other. We decided that when he came home this Summer, he would stay with me. About a month ago he said he had started dating a girl from Scotland. I didn't think much of it, I've been busy myself if you know what I mean! A few weeks ago he announced that he wouldn't be coming home this Summer and that he and this girl were moving to Indonesia because job and living prospects were better there. He moves fast. When he emails about girls I'm always supportive, I know that when we're together he makes positively mad, and he is my friend so I should be happy for him. Today he emailed and said that he was going to ask her to marry him tonight. Why does this bother me. It's not losing him in particular forever necessarily, it's because I want someone to feel that way about me. Everyone does whether they want to admit it or not.
He is the man who has paid me the highest compliments of any man, he is the man who I can be a sex Goddess with, he's written prose and poetry about me, and he will most certainly hold a nostalgic place in my sentimental heart. I wish him the best. He is a hopeless romantic who was born to be a husband and he deserves a good partner. Hope she likes Tom Waits, YUCK!
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Who's Under the Influence

La Luna is proving her presence as usual. Yesterday I felt like everyone was giving me a weird one. One what you ask, just a tone I guess. When a situation leaves me with an uneasy feeling I say that it gave me a bad one. Yesterday things weren't bad, just odd. My friend suggested it could be the moon and she's right, it's waxing to be full on Wednesday as we speak. Last night I dreamt that I was going to take a trip to the moon. I couldn't wait to see the Earth from so far away. I had butterflies thinking about being up so high, but the danger of the expedition wasn't a concern at all. The feeling I got was that it was as safe as a plane flight, but not everyone is given the opportunity. Dreams like this regain my faith in my imagination. Sometimes I feel like too much of a grown-up concerning myself with stuff like my financial obligations or my career path. I never dream about work or money, or anything stressful for that matter, but my mind is so active, that in my dreams I'm usually plotting, not really feeling free. Once I dreamt that I was swimming in my apartment lobby with turtles and dolphins. Amazing considering I fear being under water. I woke up from that dream feeling revived and centered. Once I dreamt that I was flying over a forest and I could actually smell the moist earth and I could feel the sensation of being weightless. I woke feeling rested and empowered. What's been your best dream?

Ignorant

When people say that they found something in the last place that they looked, do they really mean that there was no where else they would have looked anyway, or that because they found it and they didn't need to look any more, that made the place where they found it the last place they looked? I was always thought the former until just this minute.

swf ISO

funny material for her blog! Today I browsed the on-line dating service Lavalife. Ready to have some fun? Open another internet window, log on, click intimate encounters, and search by nicknames. Let me know if I'm responsible for a Love connection!

In the 'aggressive realm' we have troy31. Okay, this guy says he's looking for fun. Yeah! If fun means kicking someone's ass! tattoedwhiteboy is very proud of his body art and ruahorny1 gets right to the point.

We have the 'I'm too sexy' crew with rustafarian an imitation Calvin Klein Ad, and fun tall lover the 1980's calendar boy. The sub-category here being the 'I'm looking to be dicovered' talent. sexystudent2 looks like an advert for a dandruff shampoo and tstl2002 is a future soap star. An even subber category here is the 'deep and artsy' pictorial. buxguy is your local alley poet, while thornfield is more of a tortured visual artist.

There are the 'the only good picture of me is with another girl' club. brian1310 has done a neat job cropping in photoshop. I'm curious to know where his hands were in dabull's picture. exhippy is a member of this club as well as a Kevin Bacon look-a-like, jeffrey19 has found out the arm is a pesky body part to get rid of, jaesun is the vice president for signing his ad with the keyboard character equivalent of boobies, and the president of this club is sockmonky who went to great lengths to omit the scene all together in which this picture was taken.

Miscellaneous ads of note include alwayson. No wonder this guy is single, he doesn't even have the female anatomy right. bowen t is our very own modern day Pan, while inkedfireman uses a tag line that I swear I've seen on a t-shirt. There were too many pictures of men with dogs and men on motorcycles to even begin to pick apart, with the exception of acnalla. High top sneakers with no socks, what girl could resist? magickman9 evidentially intends on casting a spell on you from his mother's living room sofa, just look at the way his hands are innocently folded in his lap, yikes!

And finally, a cluster I could have never imagined having to mention, pictures of men with fish. That's right, pandabear30, happymeter, and teddyluv1's think you're a nice piece of 'bass' and they won't know weather to mount you or eat you!

Be selective ladies and always carry repellant.

I've Let My Cat Take Control of My Dating Life

So I posted an ad on Craigslist for a down mattress cover I wanted to sell. Only one person inquired, and he came and picked it up last night. He came in and my furball loved him. My cat typically runs and hides under the bed when new people first come in, and he doesn't usually even come back out if it's a man. (especially bald men. he does not trust the skinheads) But this guy was really tall, and had hair, and Lil G kept nuzzling his ankles. As he left it felt like 'a moment' and this morning I entertained the idea of calling him and asking him out, but he beat me to the punch. He emailed and said he had a great night's sleep, and asked me out for a drink sometime. I accepted.

I'm Beginning to See a Pattern Here

Earlier this year I had a boyfriend, The Brit. He had a very common last name. The next guy I dated was the one that was the first person I knew with an uncommon first name, Mr. Blogger, but his middle name was my ex's last name. Hmmm. I've just been asked out by a guy who's last name is a form of Mr. Bloggers first name. I'm sure skeptics would say that if you dug deep enough, you could find some sort of a connection between anyone or anything. I say skeptics are assholes.

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My favorite thing today: Discovering I now have The Cartoon Network!!!!!

Oy! To Da Bem?

When I last left you, I had a "which cute boy" dilemma. It soon took care of itself. By late Wednesday night I was practically on the verge of eenie-meenie-minie-mo when the Electrician called and said he couldn't make it because he had gotten into a car accident and didn't have a way up to the city. Nobody was hurt, he hit a parked car, after drinking and 'other stuff'. Women's intuition told me it was a cock-and-bull story so he did me a favor really. If it was a lie then that's not cool. If he was drinking and driving, then that's really not cool. So after his phone call I called Saucy to tell her I'd be coming in on the Caltrain first thing in the morning. Shortly after hanging up my phone rang and I thought it would be Saucy, but no, it was cutie beanie (as in the hat not the baby) boy that I had met at Minna just a couple of weeks ago. He and the friend that introduced us were going out for a drink and wanted to know if I'd be up for joining them. Even though I was already in my jammies at my neighbor friend's house steeping a lovely mug of chamomile tea, I agreed. My neighbor friend and her brother went with me too. He was still handsome, but he said 'dude' and 'fuck' quite a bit. I wouldn't mind going out with him when he's not drinking to see if it gets better. He's supposed to call this week.

So Thursday I went down to Santa Cruz and enjoyed the greatest 4th of July of my adult life! I was at the beach house party of Santa Cruz with my film maker friend on the corner of Seabright and Eastcliff and no doubt you could hear us all the way back here in SF, I know you could at least 2 blocks in every direction down there. As I danced on the enormous balcony with about 30 other hooters and hollerers, I shouted to all of the men as they passed "Show me your tits"! After they'd lift their shirts I'd heckle "Are they real"? I danced, and danced, and danced, and even danced a little to a clear sound system with 4-foot speakers pulsating with the energy of great local DJ talent. We partied so hard we blew every fuse in the house. There was a wholesome family picnic going on at the house across the street. A handful of middle-aged adults and small children where a little boy of about 5 kept peeking around the corner of the garage on his tricycle to get another look at what must have looked like the wild monkeys jumping around in their cage like he'd seen at the zoo, and a little girl of about 7 who would prance around and mock us by shaking her hips and throwing her hands up in the air (like she just didn't care). There isn't a fireworks display put on by the city, so as soon as the sun started to go down, the local pyromaniacs came out to play. The beach was covered with spurting flames and thick smoke, but I managed to find my way down to the drum circle and chanted along with the hippies for a few beats before Saucy and I made our way back to her house via bicycle, which is NOT easy after 5 hours of dancing and libations.

Friday I took it easy and stuck around Saucy's house, and I mean eeee-zeeee. I had napped twice by 4pm. Later that night I was supposed to get together with Heavenly Nostrils, but over the course of the evening, all the way until midnight thirty in fact, I became frustrated that he didn't seem to be putting forth any effort to come and see me, so I just went for a comfy dinner at a friend's house. He'd call every couple of hours and tell me where he was, and ask me to join him, but when I suggested he come by my friend's house, or meet us at a local dive for a game of pool, he'd decline.

So Saturday Saucy and I were hanging out on the beach with our new Brazilian friends, when Heavenly Nostrils called and invited us to a pool party. Saucy was game because there would be boy she had met at Super Booty there was well. We tootled on over and o-my-gawd what a shit he was. First he didn't open the door when we knocked for five minutes, even though I had just spoken to him from the damn parking lot, and then he ignored me the entire afternoon. There wound up being about 10 of us there, hanging out in the pool and he'd go inside his apartment, come out with a couple of beers and toss them to the other boys, and sit right down, never asking if we wanted anything. I have to admit that I shouldn't have expected much because this boy is young, young, young, but I was pre-occupied with my lust of the flesh, and ignored the red flags. Saucy was still interested in the guy she was talking to even though he was pretty quiet, she passed it off as shy, and I was getting along with another guy there who was very attentive, (and both were over 30) so we asked those boys out for later that night. We jaunted off and headed out to a friend's bbq with a live reggae band, dogs and kids, a real old fashion bbq, it was sweet. A couple of paper cups of brew later, and we went to meet our dates at the Palomar. Painful. Like a bamboo reed under my fingernail. Saucy's man wasn't shy, he was just mind numbingly boring. Never cracked a smile the whole night. And my guy showed up about 2 feet shorter than I had earlier speculated. He was lying in a lounge chair the whole time at the pool party. I joke to my friend "Damn what did he do, go home wet after swimming and shrink himself in the dryer? He too didn't laugh at a damn joke I threw his way. Okay, I'll rephrase my remarks for my karma's sake. They weren't boring, we just didn't jive, how's that? BUT, their fifth wheel friend who they brought with them, who looks like an even more handsome Chris Isaac, who was also at the pool party, was super cool, and I wound up talking to him the whole night. Yes, I'm already working on an angle to get in touch with him next but I have to be delicate. I was invited to the pool party by one, asked another from the same pool party out for that night, and now I want the skinny on a third pool party attendee? Don't give that look, you have no right to judge!

Sunday Saucy and I made a nice bacon and egg b-fast with our film maker friend and then walked down to play in the sand. I actually swam (I use the term swam extremely loosely) in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. It's cold. A big wave spanked me and I thought I was going to die. After tumbling and sucking in salt water for what felt like an hour, I emerged from my near death experience in an only inch of water. My suit was twisted, my pigtails soaked and uneven. I wanted to believe that everyone on the beach was too busy having fun to notice, but I'm thinking they were just being nice and looked away when I started coughing up sand like a cat does a furball. I walked back to Saucy's feeling defeated by Mother Ocean. I wanted to go home. That's when I found out that I'd be bussing it all the way back to city since Caltrain no longer runs on weekends, and it took me well over 4 hours to get back to Liberty Hall. Pheeeew. You're tired just from reading this post, imagine how I feel. I'm off to my chambers now.

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Pick up line #01: Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go screw.

Transportation Update

Caltrain will not run on weekends for the next 2 years due to work on the tracks. Do not ride the train down to Santa Cruz on a Thursday thinking you will be riding it back to the city on Sunday. There are buses running the same route, for the same price, but not nearly as often as the usual Caltrain schedule. Oh, and you may be waiting an hour and a half for the next bus in the station with 22 obnoxious pre-pubescent Christian teen-agers who've just returned from a camping trip, all with braces smacking on junk food.

Of Mice with Men

Yesterday a co-worker of mine got frustrated and expressed so by saying it felt like, and I quote "a red hot poker up a gerbil's ass". I giggled but then piped up with our office safe word "inappropriate", purely in jest. He went on to add in a sadistic tone with a smile "but there fur is so soft". Conversation regarding design resumed for about five minutes and then he looked over asked me "why is their fur so soft"?, with seemingly genuine interest. I answered matter of factly, that an animal's coat has a lot to do with their diet. eeeeewwwww. It may have been one of those 'guess you had to be there' moments, but as your queen I order you to get it, and laugh hysterically as if you had been.

The New Definition of Double Dating

Remember that Brady Bunch episode where Marcia asks a boy to the school dance and then says yes to another boy, totally forgetting she asked the first boy? Well I certainly didn't forget that I asked the Electrician to the 4th of July bbq, but I gave him 24 hours to respond and heard nothing, so I called for back up and invited Heavenly Nostrils who said he'd love to, but then a few hours later I got a voicemail from the Electrician accpeting the invite as well, and now I don't know who to pick because I don't know either of them well enough to know who I would want to have as a date since now I have to pick one or the other. Of course I could always accept Saucy's invite and just go down to Santa Cruz and spend a day at the beach with each of them! What's a girl to do? Can you belive this is the worst of my 'problems' right now. Everyone else should be so lucky.
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Would someone help me down from my soapbox please?

Every morning I pass a splendid smelling rotisserie on Mission and 20th. I've been a vegetarian for about 6 years, but recently since the fast, I've entertained the idea of incorporating healthy, hormone free meat into my diet. The other morning as I passed the diner of flesh, I slowed my pace to breathe in the aroma for as long as I could. I glanced inside and noticed a worker doing prep work for the day. Dressed in his standard issue white t-shirt and white apron, peeling and slicing a vibrant orange carrot, while no more than 6 inches away, sat an ashtray with a cigarette burning to infinity. I watched him finish with the carrot, take a nice deep drag of his cancer stick, and then resume handling the fine vegetables. He didn't rinse his fingers, or even move the ashtray when he noticed me peering in. The poor little carrot didn't stand a chance. I will from now on laugh heartily when I see people shun eating meat in public establishments for hygienic reasons.
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My favorite thing today: A savory shrimp and scallop crepe, followed by a sweet white chocolate crepe from Ti Couz, manufique!

Fobs and Pods
Sounds like characters from a children's show right? Wrong! It's City Carshare jargon. I used this miraculous service for the first time on Saturday. My neighbor friend and I strolled down to the 'pod', waved our little 'fob', tuned in to 92.7fm, and be-bopped all the way to the farmer's market in South San Francisco. We picked up some nice organic goodies and headed back to the city for Costco. I feel like an elf at Costco. And because it's all at such a savings, you lose sight of the fact that you will never actually use a 12 pack of 64oz. bottles of Drano. Well you might, in which case I do not want to know. With our two pack 84 oz. shower gel and family of 12 sized packages of lobster ravioli in cardboard boxes, we were en route for Trader Joe's where I stocked up on enough food to get me through the week. I will soon not forget the joy of purchasing anything my little heart desires, without the worry of how I'm going to get it home. While I filled my cart to the brim with whatever I could get my hands on, my neighbor friend walked over to Bed Bath and Beyond (insert angels singing) and grabbed 4 bags of god knows what and who cares because we can finally do this. We were certainly making use of the VW Beetle's tiny trunk and back seat, holy balancing act. We zipped home to drop off our booty, and returned the bug with a few minutes to spare. I'm already thinking about the agenda for our next carshare adventure. I think next time we'll have to take the VW Jetta Wagon for a spin and make a bee line for IKEA!!