July 27, 2004

My feelers have been murdered

My honey and I have hit a bump in the road. You know I used to hear that relationships were "hard work" and I always thought that it would mean I'd be tolerating my S.O.'s behavior that bugged me. WAKE UP SISTER! "Hard work" means facing every ugly facet of how you deal with intimacy.

Very early last year I was so quick to boast about having a clean slate in the relationship dept. I was the happy bachelorette, but if I knew that if someone did engage me long enough to want to pursue, I had no baggage, I was ready. Okay, now I see I may have been ready to initiate, but to maintain.....

At this point I'm feeling feelings on every end of the spectrum. My heart aches, my pride is hurt, my ego has taken a hit, the little girl inside is scared, I'm angry at my failures, right now I'm labeling and sorting. I feel like I've worked so hard to be the opposite of my unemotional parents. I've tried so hard to tone down my anger and mood swings by vocalizing when I'm pissy instead of acting out, by cutting sugar out of my diet (ok truthfully let's say limiting my sugar), and to find out that my behavior yet again had prevented emotional and intimate progress, FUCK! I guess the positive side is that now that it's out in the open I can finally deal with it and move it aside, which is my intention, but a good friend had to break it to me that some other issue will rear it's ugly head in the future, and so on, and so on.....

Send thoughts of hugs my way

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