It still feels surreal to say or write 'my boyfriend'. At moments it seems impractical beginning an exclusive relationship weeks before I leave the country, and we haven't hashed out all the details about how this will work while we're apart, but I've never been more fulfilled with any other man and so it feels promising knowing that we're building a foundation for what I hope will be an incredible future together.

Perfection

Last Monday my wonderfully thoughtful and romantic boyfriend surprised me with a mini-getaway to The Huntington Hotel . We stayed in the super plush Star Suite overlooking Huntington Park and Grace Cathedral from one side, and down California Street and much of SOMA from the other. This was without a doubt the nicest hotel room I've ever stayed in. It was pretty much a really big one bedroom apartment with amazing room service and a luxury spa. My sweetie arranged for a couples massage for us and a manicure for me, I love the pampering. We went to dinner at Cafe Sociale, and he even brought his favorite bottle of wine (quickly becoming mine as well) that we shared on our first date. I was deliriously happy the entire day and night. The next morning we went to Tartine for breakfast, and promptly returned to the hotel room to nap; life can be hard ya know. Later we joined friends at Fresca for lunch and Pisco Sours and then moseyed over to a bar to enjoy afternoon cocktails on the back deck in the sun. Soooooo yeeeaaah, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

i know this will hurt
but the ride feels so thrilling
stock up on band-aids

A Sweet Gesture

Last week a suitor baked me a delicious peach and raspberry crisp. From scratch. Wooing me with food is pretty much the best angle I can think of. Thank you, Mr. Chef Man.

have i mentioned i'm a bonafide coffee drinker?

After my aspirations of working my way to becoming an authentic Italian a few months back I quickly resumed enjoying the occasional decaf almond latte from Cafe Venue. But when I was in Illinois last month I took my Grammy out to breakfast every morning and every day I asked for a cup of decaf; it just goes well with pigs in a blanket. When I returned and moved in with my friends in Alameda, I started pouring a tiny cup of their Peet's half reg/half decaf blend every morning with breakfast. It gave me just enough focus and motivation without the brain scramble and heart palpitations. Yes, caffeinated fingers on the laptop make for more typos, but that's why God made Spellcheck. It's been five weeks and now I literally roll out of bed and start the coffee machine before I even use the bathroom and I'm up to two cups a morning (still half/half). I tried not drinking any while my housemates are gone for the next week, but I'm miserable. I wake up with a headache, zero drive to get anything done and I miss the aroma. I'm determined to be stronger than this little addiction, so wish me luck and don't give me a hard time if you see me in line at Starbucks!

And I only go on about one date a year because...

A few weeks ago I went to Mendocino for a three-day Vipassana meditation retreat. We practiced noble silence which means no talking, no eye contact and no gestures, you're supposed to focus inward and ignore those around you. We're given a hearty breakfast and lunch, but only tea for dinner. The silence, no eye contact and even restricted diet I can abide by, but I'm much too much of an observer/busybody to tune everyone out, so I happened to notice there were a few cute guys in the men's group. On the last day noble silence was broken they set out snacks and "noble chatter" began. I was scooping some popcorn into my bowl when one of the cuties approached and asked how the popcorn was. This was my reply, "It's great, fiber, just what I need right now". Yeah. I'll give you a minute to let the horror sink in. Why I felt it was vital to let this hottie know that I needed to poo is beyond me. In my defense, I had been without social interaction for three days.

I was in Illinois a few weeks ago, and whenever I'm there I indulge in one of my favorite guilty pleasures-Country music. I used to listen only to Country music in the early 90s so it's fun for me to cruise through middle America listening to songs that take me back in time, and to hear how Country music has progressed as well. One thing I always liked about Country was the slight innocence most love songs conveyed. Well obviously it's been a long time since I've listened on a regular basis. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard a new song from Brad Pailsey(2-3 times an hour I might add) called "Ticks".



Every time you take a sip
In this smoky atmosphere
You press that bottle to your lips
And I wish I was your beer
In the small there of your back
Your jeans are playing peekaboo
I'd like to see the other half of your butterfly tattoo.

Hey that gives me an idea
Let's get out of this bar
Drive out into the country
And find a place to park.

'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

I know the perfect little path
Out in these woods I used to hunt
Don't worry babe I've got your back
And I've also got your front
Now, I'd hate to waste a night like this
I'll keep you safe you wait and see
The only thing allowed to crawl all over you when we get there is me.

You know every guy in here tonight
Would like to take you home
But I've got way more class than them
Babe that ain't what I want.

'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

You never know where one might be
There's lots of places that are hard to reach
I gotcha.


Whoooooaaaa, easy partner. This ain't a naughty little euphemism that may make me blush, this is downright lewd. Just because you mention moonlight and wildflowers doesn't mean I'm not grossed out.

Personally, I always like to know who's in the kitchen cooking my food.

I'm officially a Californian

2 weeks ago I was having dinner at a really nice Italian restaurant with my family when the table began to shake. I looked around the table visibly alarmed, and in an instant I had horrific thoughts of light fixtures falling on our heads and windows shattering around us. But when I saw the look of confusion on their faces I remembered that we were in Illinois and realized it was just a really big truck that had passed by. I gotta lay off the hooch!

the move

It's a very strange feeling not to have any keys on my key ring except for my handcuff key.(It's come in handy believe you me!) I'm focusing more on the excitement of my upcoming adventure and less on logistics and I feel great. I learned a few things this weekend that are worth sharing:

1) Always hire movers. My weak ass carrying one box at a time down three flights of stairs for three days was not the way to go.

2) The kindness and generosity of a friend in your moment of need will touch you deeper than you ever imagined.

3) I heart spackle. I can always become a hole patcher if my voice acting career doesn't pay off. I love before and afters.

Absolutely lovin' these guys. I really appreciate their super simple and direct lyrics, sometimes I'm annoyed with too many metaphors and cliches. 'Hey there Delilah' and 'Hate (I really don't like you) are my favs so far.

you know i can see you, right?

I am so over people grooming themselves on public transportation. I understand when you have a 30+ minute commute there's the inclination to take advantage of your time trapped in a tube and take care of some business. Brush up on current events, meditate, catch up on email, daydream, get to the next level of Grand Theft Auto, whatever you can do that's silent and solitary. But clipping your nails, cleaning out your ears, flossing or POPPING PIMPLES...these are things that should be left to the privacy of your own home. I'm an extra freak and believe these things should only take place in the bathroom, but as long as I don't have to see it, carry on. Perhaps I can stop people from doing these things by warning that performing some of these activities in a moving vehicle can be dangerous. If the train or bus comes to an abrupt stop you could snip off the tip of your finger with your clippers, or stab your brain while picking your nose. Is it a city 'anything goes' thing? Is it a California 'laid back' thing? In a few months I'll let you now if Florentines lack public couth as well.

On the loose

Last Sunday we did Bay to Breakers as convicts in orange jumpsuits, complete with a jail cell to protect our kegs. The general consensus was that we all got some sick satisfaction yelling faux threats like "Just you wait til I get out"!, and "You better hope I don't catch you in the shower Bitch"! Of course the tone was completely different for us single cons when we spotted a cute guy. We used, "Wanna be my pen pal"?, "Will you wait for me"?, and my personal favorite, "Hey Honey, wanna join me for a conjugal visit"? We did the Jailhouse Rock with the Elvises, wiggled on rooftops and came out covered in various sticky substances which added to our hooscow authenticity.

You can see our mug shots here.

Yessssssssss!

Saturday night I went to see Mitch Fatel at the Punchline in SF. I'm sure he says it to all the girls, but he told me I had a beautiful smile so of course I'm going to boast. I told him he has the warmest smile I've ever seen and it's true. I don't usually get starstruck but men who make me laugh are my weakness, and he just seems so friendly. Listen to me ramble like I have a high school crush. OhMyGod maybe I should have slipped him a note, "Do you like me? Check box yes or no"!

Monday I was in Walgreens with a friend discussing the differences between Mucus Relief and Mucinex, when I felt something graze my arse. I noticed a woman walking past us out of the corner of my eye and assumed that as she was trying to get by an maybe her purse or something brushed my bum. But when it didn't stop I looked down and saw her 10 year-old son's hand rubbing my fanny! My friend said I had one of those 'deer in headlights' looks on my face, then we both started laughing so hard we were crying. He didn't even seem to notice he was doing it! As we walked out I said, "What's even funnier is getting felt up by a 10 year-old in a drugstore is the most action I've gotten in a loooooooong time"!

KILL FEAR AND DOUBT

This is from a friend of mine in LA.This rings especially true for me now as my move date closes in, and I begin to worry about money, lonliness and logistics rather than riding high on the fact that soon I'll be living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, learning to communicate in a new way, and discovering even more about myself. It will all work out!

A really sweet girl I've been dating for a couple weeks just decided to move to Barcelona (no, it wasn't because of me). She had visited the city before and last weekend just realized it was something she always really wanted to do, so, she's going to do it. Just like that? Yes, just like that.

Many times we come up with all kinds of very reasonable sounding excuses and reasons as to why we shouldn't do certain things we deep-down have always wanted to do. But the truth is, if you really want to do something, "how" is not that important. What's important is to become clear about what you truly, deeply desire in your life and then go after it. All the "hows" will work themselves out, often in ways you could never have planned or imagined. Joseph Campbell said, "Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before." What's really stopping us from our dreams is ourselves.

The more we stay in our comfort zone, the more fear begins to rule our lives, and the doubts and fears we have grow in power over us. Voices inside our heads (whether from parents, people around us, the media, etc.) tell us all the reasons we can't do what we want to do, can't be who we want to be. But the truth is, those voices are no more valid than the ones that say we can. So, it's up to us to decide what voices we're going to listen to, daily. And you have to be merciless, especially at first. You must kill all fear and doubt. And you also have to cast off their twisted cousin, cynicism. If you hold on to the comfort of cynicism to avoid disappointment and pain, or even worse, to look cool, you're only hurting yourself. So, be careful what voices you listen to, whether on the outside or in your head. Live in the moment daily, and be aware of your thoughts and the stories you're telling yourself. If you change those stories, change those voices, then you will change your life.

I struggle daily with fear and doubt in various areas of my life. But for the last two years I have been changing the stories and voices in my head, and the results have been incredible, not only in the outward manifestation of a different life, but a different level of peace and enjoyment of my life. So, when the idea of doing a solo tour came into my head, just like my friend moving to Barcelona, I just decided to do it. Scheduling it hasn't been effortless, but many doors have opened to make the tour possible. Although there are still some holes in the schedule, I'm more excited than afraid to see how those things will work themselves out. And I keep trying to tip the emotion of fear to excitement instead as I stretch the boundaries of my comfort zone. I just have to keep mercilessly killing fear and doubt, every day. Eventually, I hope their voices will be dim and distant compared to the voices of courage, power and joy. I hope the same for you.

Let Freedom Ring

I love when I'm reminded loud and clear, that when you're true to yourself and make yourself happy, the sweeter life really is!

I just saw my web stats, and Helloooooo to my Swede reader! In your honor here is my Swedish Top Ten:

The Swedish Chef
August Strindberg
Volvo
Swedish Fish
Europe
Ikea including the diner Swedish meatballs served with lingonberries, cream sauce and potatoes
Together
Lotta Jansdotter
ABBA
Popular Music by Vittula by Mikael Niemi

Pearl is one tough lady

Pearl means business!

Sometimes when I see my fish hanging out near the top of his bowl, I get the feeling he's debating whether or not to hurl himself onto the desk.