January 28, 2003

20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...

> > 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
> > 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my
> > bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
> > 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and
> > honestly believe I could do it too.
> > 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy
> > Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
> > 5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating
> > even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on
> > it.
> > 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
> > 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
> > 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
> > 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
> > 10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
> > sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
> > 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
> > keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
> > 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
> > 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
> > just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
> > 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
> > floor.
> > 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this
> > the WRONG WAY but..."
> > 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
> > 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
> > 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
> > standing) and take a quick nap.
> > 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut
> > down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
> > 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
> > having problems walking straight.

Thankfully I can't testify to this behavior in recent years, but there was a time ladies and gentleman, when this was a routine night out for Your Majesty. With a bit of vomiting and police action thrown in for good measure. At least five nights a week for three years. I've come a long way baby!

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