November 01, 2002

Alice In Castroland

I began my adventure with Alice Cooper and a Spelunker. I heard a shout from the left "Hey Snow White"! I politely replied "I'm Alice in Wonderland". Geesh, Snow White is a brunette. A few blocks more into the chaos I heard "Swiss Miss"! I yelled back "I'm Alice in Wonderland"! Damn dude, Swiss Miss has braids. Worse yet, I got "I love you Britney Spears"! I proceeded to flip him the bird and scream "I'm Alice in Fucking Wonderland"! Ah well, it's not like they were looking at anything but my rack anyway. We soon joined my best friend forever Becky Hostetler,(the ugliest girl in 7th grade from 1983) Jailbird Martha Stewart, a wizard with a raven, and a store bought 'creepy guy'. Some get ups of note: walking legos, Sailor Moon, a walking shower, a guy with a toilet seat over his head with chunks on the seat, a kissing booth, a cereal killer, and my fav, Raoul Durke. Alice ran into a few of her old friends, the Mad Hatter, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, and the Queen of Hearts. Becky got to meet Barbie and TWO Strawberry Shortcakes. She almost peed herself, and so did I watching her in action. Here are some of the autographs she got:

"Follow the scent of your dreams to your heart"-Strawberry Shortcake
"Becky, you can ride shotgun in K.I.T.T. anytime"-David Hasselhoff
"Becky, 'Silver Spooning Becky' sounds like a great spin-off"-Your friend, Ricky Schroeder
"Becky, it's gonna be me"-Joey Fatone
"Becky, my house is not full without you"-John Stamos
"To Becky, such a pretty girl"-Rue Mcllanahan
"Becky, having the time of my life"-Patrick Swayze
"Becky, Tramps and Thieves"-Cher
"Becky, you make me feel like 6 million"-Lee Majors
"What you lookin at Becky"-Gary Coleman
She also got a rainbow drawn by Soleil Moon Frye. She is SO lucky.

It never ceases to amaze me, what boys will do when presented with T and A. Two steps inside of a Castro Street invite only house party, (thanks Judy) and a mechanic and Elvis were fighting over who was going to fetch Alice's boobs a beer. I was so buzzed at the house party, I forgot about my dating strike and gave Elvis my phone number. Looks like he's going to be checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. With our Curious George stamps on our wrists, we were free to leave and come back to the party. And so we did. Shaking my ass in the front room of 299 Castro, mingling with the tricks and treats in the streets, standing in line for the potty at 299 Castro, having my picture taken with a group of doctors pretending to give me a shot you know where, talking to a flaming Stanford student about Lewis Carroll, letting girls poke my boobs to see if they were real. This was the most exciting rabbit hole I've fallen down in a long time. A few girls passed and I heard one squeal "I want my picture with Alice"! Then alpha Barbie firmly stated "No store bought costumes". My intoxicated, cocky alter ego snapped back, "Honey, this is custom MADE"! Which brings me to a realization; a five hundred dollar costume and most people went home with a picture of my ass. I know, I know, can we say DOWNLOAD? You may think that most men are breast men but no, no, no. They just get a lot of play because they're closer to eye level. Put a perky posterior on display and you'll hear reactions from behind like "Fucking A", Have Mercy", "Ouch", and "Goddamn right"! It's amazing how fast five hours goes by when you're brain is swimming in Heineken, and before I knew it, I was getting chilly because the crowd was thinning out, and I had to borrow Becky's shawl for the walk home.

I could retrace my steps this morning from the trail I left in my flat at 3am. Shoes and back pack at the front door, wig hanging on the door knob, costume on the bathroom floor, make-up soiled washcloth in the sink, and fake eyelashes on the bedside table. War wounds from the evening are crippling pain in my feet from my platform mary janes, a sore abdomen from the diaphragm crushing costume, (seems I've put on a few since Alice's last run) and pleather burn on my biceps from **clearing the throat** bigger 'muscles'. My tush feels violated from all of the spanking, pinching, squeezing, patting,

I must admit, right now I'm still buzzed from last night. Of course it could be "magic cookies" I had for breakfast. It's going to be a Happy New Year fer SURE!

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