This may be old, but it's new to me.
Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics; you might win but you're still retarded.
June 18, 2006
"Bjork's daughter is playing in my bouncy house, my bouncy house"
100 kids, 2 bouncy houses and a pony was too much for little Isadora to pass up. So as the happy family walked by our celebration in Golden Gate Park Saturday, Bjork and Matthew's offspring made a mad dash for some fun. I was in the smaller of the bouncy houses (watching the kids for safety's sake of course) when my friend walked over and whispered through the netting, "Don't look now, but Bjork is here and her daughter is coming into the bouncy house". I discreetly looked out onto the lawn and sure enough, there she was with her hubby, watching their little munchkin jump and squeal.
A-list kiddie parties. This is how I roll, y'all.
A-list kiddie parties. This is how I roll, y'all.
June 16, 2006
May 24, 2006
Young at Heart
Last night I was making goo goo eyes at this cute guy on Bart. I was delighted when he struck up conversation but I was dejected when I learned he's 19 frickin' years old. He said he thought I was about 23. Now I'm confident I look youthful for my age, but by 10 years?! God bless him for the compliment; I'll take it!
Read between the lines
I am officially Wells Fargo's bitch. But it's good. Tons of great perks and I like who I work with; just an adjustment not being a free agent anymore. My boss asked me to write a little blurb about myself that she can use in a 'New Team Member Accouncement' thing.
Reese [who hails from the quintessential white-trash upbringing and a background in video stores and surf shops] fled from Virginia to California in 1998 where she rocked the commercial real estate world [and tolerated the belligerence and chauvinism of the middle-aged white man] as a Revenue Coordinator for Grubb and Ellis until 2002. She then applied her outstanding project management skills to the Interior Designer circuit for two years [catering to the whims of spoiled coke addicts] as an Office Manager/Expeditor. She came to us almost two years ago after spending six months traveling to Hawaii and throughout Europe [blowing a small inheritance while chasing a man around the globe].
Reese [who hails from the quintessential white-trash upbringing and a background in video stores and surf shops] fled from Virginia to California in 1998 where she rocked the commercial real estate world [and tolerated the belligerence and chauvinism of the middle-aged white man] as a Revenue Coordinator for Grubb and Ellis until 2002. She then applied her outstanding project management skills to the Interior Designer circuit for two years [catering to the whims of spoiled coke addicts] as an Office Manager/Expeditor. She came to us almost two years ago after spending six months traveling to Hawaii and throughout Europe [blowing a small inheritance while chasing a man around the globe].
May 23, 2006
Bay to Breakers 2006
I saw the biggest penis of my life. Yeah yeah yeah, it was a warm sunny day, I spent it with good friends, I saw tons of creative costumes yadda yadda yadda. A huge, beautiful penis I said. My memory is a little 'fuzzy' but I'm told I jumped up and down with glee and then bowed at his girlfriend's feet. Come on! It was 8am and I was already drunk on scotch!
Pix here. Unfortunately none of the penis.
Pix here. Unfortunately none of the penis.
May 19, 2006
My friend and I have a running joke about Pearl Necklaces. I wrote this today. To be sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it".
When your neck is feeling flaky scratch it off. When your neck is seeming sticky wipe it off. When your collar's looking oozy and you're feeling like a floozy, when your clavicle is pasty he got off!
When your neck is feeling flaky scratch it off. When your neck is seeming sticky wipe it off. When your collar's looking oozy and you're feeling like a floozy, when your clavicle is pasty he got off!
Well my relationship with Banana Man may not have progressed but my cubicle decor, aka The Banana Shrine, has taken on a life all its own. It all started with exhibit A. After Banana Man visited our office, I pinned the message that was wrapped around the banana he gave me as a memento of his cuteness. Plus I was the one who requested the cheesy message and it made me laugh. Next up exhibit B. One of my co-workers drew a cute little sketch from a comment her boyfriend made in the car one day; "The banana eater in the RAV4 heads to the West". It was random yet related, and I LOVED it. Exhibit C is the Fruitguys newsletter that came in our fruit basket the day before the big date. Every week the owner spotlights a different fruit and this one was coincidentally all about bananas. D was a standard thank you card given to me with one little embellishment added for my benefit. It looked right at home next to the sketch. I found exhibit E two days after our date, stuck to a dvd that a friend returned. The pink side is supposed to depict me meditating, with a caption that reads, "I heart big bananas"! The blue side is obviously the giant walking fruit exclaiming, "I found the woman of my dreams"! Exhibit F came from a friend, long after all hope of a second date was gone, but was applicable nonetheless. It's an excerpt from a box of hair color instructions stating, "If your highlighted/lightened hair is: Pale Yellow (like the inside of a banana) or Yellow (like the outside of a banana)...I've been coloring my hair for 18 years and I have never seen a manufacturer acknowledging the association between blond hair color and bananas before; it had to be included. And the latest addition, exhibit G, came after a visit to Starbucks with a friend, when I was feeling slightly dejected over being blown off by a man who wears a banana suit, and the new Summer display was all about the new Banana Frappuccino. I grumbled and pointed at the chalkboard indicating my annoyance AND interest in taking a picture of it, when I looked over and saw a pad of 'Take One' flyers that would work just as well.
How long can we keep this going?!
May 12, 2006
I sure can pick 'em!
Man oh man, you go out on one date with a guy who wears a banana suit and you get bombarded with a bunch of banana references. "Be careful, he bruises easily". "He's cute, don't let him slip away". "Do you find him appealing"? "This IS San Francisco, it figures you'd find a fruit". I've gotten emails with links to this and this, and my myspace comments seem to have a theme.
The date was great. And if I don't hear from him, at the very least I finally had my first pleasant dating experience in about 10 months!
The date was great. And if I don't hear from him, at the very least I finally had my first pleasant dating experience in about 10 months!
April 28, 2006
Yellow Fever
Never before has a man wore a banana costume with such appeal. Contact The Fruitguys and you too can be visited by a super handsome, giant walking banana.
Rock Star in Training
I've been asked to sing back up for a friend's band. It's going to take a lot of practice, but I'm thrilled beyond words! The gig is in late July; I'll post details when I have them.
April 13, 2006
I look like WHAT?!
This is amusing. Google the phrase "(Your name) looks like" and find the best one from the first page of results. Don't forget to put it in quotes, otherwise it won't work.
My favorite was "Reese looks like a cross between a cartoon duckling and a revolutionary Bolshevik". But here were a few other ticklers:
"Reese looks like she has bad breath".
"Reese looks like a pimp".
"Reese looks like a normal person, not a silly Barbie".
"Reese looks like she wants to devour Jack".
"Reese looks like your average 7th grader".
My favorite was "Reese looks like a cross between a cartoon duckling and a revolutionary Bolshevik". But here were a few other ticklers:
"Reese looks like she has bad breath".
"Reese looks like a pimp".
"Reese looks like a normal person, not a silly Barbie".
"Reese looks like she wants to devour Jack".
"Reese looks like your average 7th grader".
April 04, 2006
March 24, 2006
V for Vendetta
is fantastic. I highly recommend seeing it on the IMAX. Just sit far enough back that you're not turning your head from left to right to see all of the screen!
You Learn Something New Every Day
And today I learned a little bit about press checks. Not only should I be inspecting the quality and integrity of the images that we're having printed, but I should also be confirming that the vendor is using the proper paper stock. I'm damn lucky that WF isn't taking my $7,000 mistake out of my check!
March 23, 2006
Alcoholoroscopes
ARIES
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely.Oops!
SCORPIO
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely.Oops!
SCORPIO
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.
March 22, 2006
I heart USAA
If you have any affiliation with the military, sign up for every USAA service you can. You can find out if you're eligible on their site. I just got a whole year of renter's insurance, covering me up to $31,000 (including earthquake!), for $200! I also signed up for free checking and savings and when I say free, I mean free. You can use any ATM in the world and USAA won't charge you a fee, and at the end of the month USAA will refund you any ATM fees that you had to agree to to use another bank's ATM! Christ, I sound like Tom going nuts about Katie!
March 21, 2006
It's one in the morning. Do you know who's searching for you?
I can't remember for the life of me who got me started on myspace, but DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
March 20, 2006
Because of a huge circumstantial SNAFU Friday night, I wound up missing the boat back to Oakland. I had to stay with someone I don't know very well, and when I walked into his house at 3:30 in the morning, my drug dealer from six years ago was sitting on his sofa. Aaahhhh, it all comes full circle doesn't it folks?
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