"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring..... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."
June 28, 2004
June 18, 2004
June 07, 2004
Miss Perfect Martha Stewart gets busted for insider dealing and now THIS. Nothing’s sadder than a public fugure falling victim to ironic misfortune. Maybe KITT had a built in breathalyzer back in the day.
June 04, 2004
February 19, 2004
Funny Ha Ha
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
January 06, 2004
Your Majesty's review of The Lord of the Rings. I thought is was epic until the last thirty minutes. Seeing the new King crowned, great! Big hugs from Liv Tyler, yipee! But a half an hour of sobbing hobbits?! No more misty eyes PLEASE! Why don't Frodo and Sam just do it and get it over with?! But overall an amazingly engaging experience.
December 18, 2003
If you haven't already subscribed to SF Gate's Morning Fix written by the AMAZING Mark Morford, do so now! The best part of yesterday's article:
Note to scrunchy parents: I'd be far, far more worried about what, say, Kraft is selling to your kids in all those millions of boxes of toxic and openly poisonous Kraft Lunchables than about some quasi-sexy yuppie-fashion catalog they never even see. But that's just me.
Amen brother. Parents are woried about their children seeing what people look like naturally, doing something that is natural, but don't give a second thought to packin' 'em a sandwich made with green ketchup for lunch mummy dear.
Note to scrunchy parents: I'd be far, far more worried about what, say, Kraft is selling to your kids in all those millions of boxes of toxic and openly poisonous Kraft Lunchables than about some quasi-sexy yuppie-fashion catalog they never even see. But that's just me.
Amen brother. Parents are woried about their children seeing what people look like naturally, doing something that is natural, but don't give a second thought to packin' 'em a sandwich made with green ketchup for lunch mummy dear.
December 17, 2003
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you to my generous Aunt and my amazing friends who've been loaning me money, inviting me over for dinner and treating me to lunches. Your Majesty appreciates every meal of kindness that's warmed my tummy and every poor little white girl donation. I never thought I'd be here financially, but I have angels around me who aren't letting me hit bottom. I'm thanking my lucky stars for my tribe right now!
December 08, 2003
From KML. I Lo-lo-LOVE the Strindberg skits. International Language had me snorting too. From laughing. Not from cocaine.
November 24, 2003
A fantastic test for my generation. I got a really high score. Yes, MTV was my babysitter, my mentor, my inspiration.
November 16, 2003
Getting to know you.....
I stayed at D's last night, and when I went home this morning to shower and change, I was thinking about this annoying situation I'm dealing with right now, so I dabbed a little patchouli on my wrists as aromatherapy. Now most people I know can't stand "that fucking hippie smell", but I like the earthy scent on me, it's really grounding for me. Later on I was sounding off thoughts about this situation to D and I asked him if he's learned anything about me from watching me deal with this hairy situation. I know I've learned a lot about people by observing how they handle riffs, especially with people they were once close to. D joked, "Yeah, I've learned that when you're upset you go home and put stinky patchouli on"!
I stayed at D's last night, and when I went home this morning to shower and change, I was thinking about this annoying situation I'm dealing with right now, so I dabbed a little patchouli on my wrists as aromatherapy. Now most people I know can't stand "that fucking hippie smell", but I like the earthy scent on me, it's really grounding for me. Later on I was sounding off thoughts about this situation to D and I asked him if he's learned anything about me from watching me deal with this hairy situation. I know I've learned a lot about people by observing how they handle riffs, especially with people they were once close to. D joked, "Yeah, I've learned that when you're upset you go home and put stinky patchouli on"!
November 15, 2003
I went to hear Brian Eno speak about The Long Now at Ft. Mason last night. I'm such a sucker for visionary social movements. It's so true though, that our current culture isn't really concerned with making an impact beyond next week, or ambitiously, next year. Brian mentioned the beginnings of a book of 250 projects that we can embark on now to help the future 10,000 years from now. The format would be an 'issue' per page, with the issue/problem/concern listed at the top, a paragraph on the big picture of what ideally should happen, a paragraph of what we as individuals can do to start making progress, and then links to books and websites at the bottom. It's true that we cannot imagine the types of issues we'll be facing so far from now, but in taking action to remedy problems of today, we're making progress yeh? And this is totally my vision, but perhaps we'll evolve into a socitey of less self-absorbed, narrow minded beings. A girl can dream can't she? You can bet I'll be there the second Friday of every month to hear the featured speaker. Drop me an email if you want to go!
1and1 web hosting is offering FREE hosting for a year with easy transfer from your current hoster that you're not happy with otherwise why would you switch.
November 03, 2003
The Vamps are Champs!!
I was Anita Lay, part of the crowd pleasing Roller Derby Team mentioned in the article. Of course I spent most of the night with my skates slung over my shoulder because I SUCK at roller skating, but I just told people that the REF through me out of the game because of excessive force. Pat MyAss showed up at half-time, and despite her lack of uniform still joined in huddles and pretended to clothesline teammates Amanda Love, and Fonda Dicks. My personal highlight of the night was crashing against a restaurant window while diners inside squealed with excitement as we engaged in a faux knock-down drag out pile-up. The REF hurried over and blew his whistle, but before he could make a call, he lost his balance and found himself kissing the sidewalk.
I don't know how in the HELL I flew down hills and around corners on skates as a kid. My excuse, er....um reasoning for my poor dispay of roller coordination, is that the wheels on the skates were too loose. I'll have to remember the skate key next time!
I was Anita Lay, part of the crowd pleasing Roller Derby Team mentioned in the article. Of course I spent most of the night with my skates slung over my shoulder because I SUCK at roller skating, but I just told people that the REF through me out of the game because of excessive force. Pat MyAss showed up at half-time, and despite her lack of uniform still joined in huddles and pretended to clothesline teammates Amanda Love, and Fonda Dicks. My personal highlight of the night was crashing against a restaurant window while diners inside squealed with excitement as we engaged in a faux knock-down drag out pile-up. The REF hurried over and blew his whistle, but before he could make a call, he lost his balance and found himself kissing the sidewalk.
I don't know how in the HELL I flew down hills and around corners on skates as a kid. My excuse, er....um reasoning for my poor dispay of roller coordination, is that the wheels on the skates were too loose. I'll have to remember the skate key next time!
October 28, 2003
This has been an amazing day for good news. The first call of good news I got this moring was from my sweet grandmother in Illinois. The doctor that se sees for epilepsy is retiring and she's been having a terrible time getting someone to refer her to a new one. For the last two weeks I myself have been making calls from here on on her behalf with little progress. She called this morning to say she got a call from a counselor who has helped her in the past and is more than willing to assist her in finding a new doctor. What a relief. Later my friend Amy called to say she was going to be able to make it to the premimre of 24 tonight, she's great company, I was hoping she could make it. Then I got a call from a hospital in Va saying that they eventaully did find records that I'm trying to locate from my kidney surgery when I was 12 years-old. When I called the other day, I wasn't in their data base at all and I was beginning to worry. After that I got an email regarding some production work that was scheduled for late Oct. I thought maybe it had been cancelled since I hadn't heard back from my emails, but thankfully it's just been postponed so hopefully I 'll be making some money soon. THEN, I got the call officially offering me the aprtment I wanted in Piedmont! I hope everyone else is having a super day as well!
October 27, 2003
'Tis the Season to be Rockin'!
I saw a commercial for this album when I was housesitting for a friend and at first I thought it was a mock ad because I was watching The Comedy Channel. Nope, it's real, so let's have some fun shall we?
Your Majesty says nothing brings about Good Will towards all men and women during the holidays like the thunder of an electric guitar. Who wouldn't feel warm and fuzzy listening to 'O Holy Night' in the style of Poison or Skid Row? Click on 'multimedia' and take a listen.
from the website:
Trans-Siberian Orchestra was formed in 1996 by Paul O'Neill who immediately approached long time friends and collaborators Robert Kinkel and Jon Oliva to form the core of the writing team.
While producing and writing for a number of years with various rock groups Paul was always looking for ways to make the music have greater and greater emotional impact. He tried to write the music that was so melodic it didn't need lyrics. And lyrics that were so poetic that they didn't need music but once you put the two of them together, the sum of the parts would be greater than the whole, and you couldn't imagine them apart. Once he'd done this, he was still looking for a way to take it to even greater heights and he realized that putting the songs within the context of a story would give it a third dimension that would make that additional emotional impact possible.
QR
Wow, that's deep man. Sounds like the writer of this nauseating bio may have been a little too close to the Humboldt County Christmas trees if you know what I mean.
Hence, he started writing not just albums, but rock operas.
QR
Who in the hell uses HENCE anymore????
He realized then, that there was an inherent problem recording rock operas within the standard rock and roll band makeup. Rock operas by their nature need the voices to change as the characters change. Rock bands normally only have one (or if you're lucky) two great vocalists to work with, therefore limiting how far you can go. You're forced to make the music fit the band, as opposed to allowing the music to go wherever it needs to.
QR
More likely he realized that rock operas are so 25 years ago! I love rock operas, don't get me wrong, but it's going to take a killer movement to bring the rock opera back and these pussies just 'aint it.
With Trans-Siberian Orchestra, first the music is created with no artificial limitations, and then we seek out within the classical, rock, Broadway and R & B worlds, the very best singers and musicians to bring each song to life. This also in many ways forces us to operate on a higher level. This environment has the additional benefit of causing a cross pollenization of musical ideas, creating hybrid forms of music that normally never would have occurred, such as an R&B singer doing a classical style melody and bringing gospel touches to it that causes it to glitter in ways that even the creators could not have predicted. Another very important aspect in the creation of the band, is that there could be no limits on the members; we mix all races and ages.
QR
Any performer they brought in would force them to operate on a higher level because they are the bottom dwellers in the world of music. Cross pollenization? Hybrid? We're supposed to be talking about "emotional" music here fellas not a scientific day in the life of flowers and insects for crying out loud. And who is this person to say that an R&B singer adding gospel touches is something that wouldn't normally have occured? Has this person never heard a black man/woman sing?
The young get to mine the experience of the old musicians, while they can't help to be inspired by the enthusiasm of people just entering the business. This has created a vast constantly changing musical group that even we do not know what it is going to do next.
Once when asked what Trans-Siberian Orchestra was about, Paul O'Neill replied, "It's about creating great art. When asked to define what great art was, Paul said, "The purpose of art is to create an emotional response in the person that is exposed to that art. And there are three categories of art; bad art, good art and great art. Bad art will elicit no emotional response in the person that is exposed to it, i.e.; a song you hear in an elevator and it does nothing to you, a picture on a wall that gives you the same emotional response as if the wall had been blank, a movie that chews up time. Good art will make you feel an emotion that you have felt before; you see a picture of a forest and you remember the last time you went fishing with your dad, you hear a song about love and you remember the last time you were in love. Great art will make you feel an emotion you have never felt before; seeing the pieta, the world famous sculpture by Michelangelo, can cause someone to feel the pain of losing a child even if they've never had one. And when you're trying for these emotions the easiest one to trigger is anger.
QR
Finally a point I can agree with. The bad, the good, and the great. We can all testify we've been touched by a piece of music without words that makes us giddy or conjures nostalgia. But why, oh why, did this man have to insinuate that his band is trying to make an impact that of Michealangelo? And what scary tangent is about to come out of the last statement "And when you're trying for these emotions the easiest one to trigger is anger"?
Anyone can do it. Go into the street, throw a rock at someone, you will make them angry. The emotions of love, empathy and laughter are much harder to trigger, but since they operate on a deeper level, they bring a much greater reward.
QR
I guess there's bound to be some underlying hostility when you're immersed in the world of heavy metal eh? I mean, that's what makes kids do bad things right?
I don't know why I chose to give these guys such a hard time, it's just too easy. Watch, this time next year I'll be singing the praises of the TSO and justice will be served.
I saw a commercial for this album when I was housesitting for a friend and at first I thought it was a mock ad because I was watching The Comedy Channel. Nope, it's real, so let's have some fun shall we?
Your Majesty says nothing brings about Good Will towards all men and women during the holidays like the thunder of an electric guitar. Who wouldn't feel warm and fuzzy listening to 'O Holy Night' in the style of Poison or Skid Row? Click on 'multimedia' and take a listen.
from the website:
Trans-Siberian Orchestra was formed in 1996 by Paul O'Neill who immediately approached long time friends and collaborators Robert Kinkel and Jon Oliva to form the core of the writing team.
While producing and writing for a number of years with various rock groups Paul was always looking for ways to make the music have greater and greater emotional impact. He tried to write the music that was so melodic it didn't need lyrics. And lyrics that were so poetic that they didn't need music but once you put the two of them together, the sum of the parts would be greater than the whole, and you couldn't imagine them apart. Once he'd done this, he was still looking for a way to take it to even greater heights and he realized that putting the songs within the context of a story would give it a third dimension that would make that additional emotional impact possible.
QR
Wow, that's deep man. Sounds like the writer of this nauseating bio may have been a little too close to the Humboldt County Christmas trees if you know what I mean.
Hence, he started writing not just albums, but rock operas.
QR
Who in the hell uses HENCE anymore????
He realized then, that there was an inherent problem recording rock operas within the standard rock and roll band makeup. Rock operas by their nature need the voices to change as the characters change. Rock bands normally only have one (or if you're lucky) two great vocalists to work with, therefore limiting how far you can go. You're forced to make the music fit the band, as opposed to allowing the music to go wherever it needs to.
QR
More likely he realized that rock operas are so 25 years ago! I love rock operas, don't get me wrong, but it's going to take a killer movement to bring the rock opera back and these pussies just 'aint it.
With Trans-Siberian Orchestra, first the music is created with no artificial limitations, and then we seek out within the classical, rock, Broadway and R & B worlds, the very best singers and musicians to bring each song to life. This also in many ways forces us to operate on a higher level. This environment has the additional benefit of causing a cross pollenization of musical ideas, creating hybrid forms of music that normally never would have occurred, such as an R&B singer doing a classical style melody and bringing gospel touches to it that causes it to glitter in ways that even the creators could not have predicted. Another very important aspect in the creation of the band, is that there could be no limits on the members; we mix all races and ages.
QR
Any performer they brought in would force them to operate on a higher level because they are the bottom dwellers in the world of music. Cross pollenization? Hybrid? We're supposed to be talking about "emotional" music here fellas not a scientific day in the life of flowers and insects for crying out loud. And who is this person to say that an R&B singer adding gospel touches is something that wouldn't normally have occured? Has this person never heard a black man/woman sing?
The young get to mine the experience of the old musicians, while they can't help to be inspired by the enthusiasm of people just entering the business. This has created a vast constantly changing musical group that even we do not know what it is going to do next.
Once when asked what Trans-Siberian Orchestra was about, Paul O'Neill replied, "It's about creating great art. When asked to define what great art was, Paul said, "The purpose of art is to create an emotional response in the person that is exposed to that art. And there are three categories of art; bad art, good art and great art. Bad art will elicit no emotional response in the person that is exposed to it, i.e.; a song you hear in an elevator and it does nothing to you, a picture on a wall that gives you the same emotional response as if the wall had been blank, a movie that chews up time. Good art will make you feel an emotion that you have felt before; you see a picture of a forest and you remember the last time you went fishing with your dad, you hear a song about love and you remember the last time you were in love. Great art will make you feel an emotion you have never felt before; seeing the pieta, the world famous sculpture by Michelangelo, can cause someone to feel the pain of losing a child even if they've never had one. And when you're trying for these emotions the easiest one to trigger is anger.
QR
Finally a point I can agree with. The bad, the good, and the great. We can all testify we've been touched by a piece of music without words that makes us giddy or conjures nostalgia. But why, oh why, did this man have to insinuate that his band is trying to make an impact that of Michealangelo? And what scary tangent is about to come out of the last statement "And when you're trying for these emotions the easiest one to trigger is anger"?
Anyone can do it. Go into the street, throw a rock at someone, you will make them angry. The emotions of love, empathy and laughter are much harder to trigger, but since they operate on a deeper level, they bring a much greater reward.
QR
I guess there's bound to be some underlying hostility when you're immersed in the world of heavy metal eh? I mean, that's what makes kids do bad things right?
I don't know why I chose to give these guys such a hard time, it's just too easy. Watch, this time next year I'll be singing the praises of the TSO and justice will be served.
October 21, 2003
Get Out Of Jail Free
Last week I opened a letter from the Treasury Dept. telling me that they're disputing my 2001 Federal tax return. Apparently I claimed $37,000 and my employer (ironically I'm going to start temping for the scum sucking bottom feeders this week so I won't completely bite the hand that feeds me) claimed that I made $52,000. This created a balance of $2,525 that I was to owe to Uncle Sam. Plus I had missed the cut-off date to call or mail for an appeal by a long, long time. This letter came on a day when I couldn't be more pessimistic about my financial and house hunting situation. PMS had a strangle hold on my emotions and I just knew this was punishment for something. But to my surprise when I called and spoke to Cliff, he informed me that it was the employer's error. They had changed payroll services in the middle of the year and both payroll companies reported the earnings. Cliff said it was my lucky day. Cliff has no idea how right he was!
Last week I opened a letter from the Treasury Dept. telling me that they're disputing my 2001 Federal tax return. Apparently I claimed $37,000 and my employer (ironically I'm going to start temping for the scum sucking bottom feeders this week so I won't completely bite the hand that feeds me) claimed that I made $52,000. This created a balance of $2,525 that I was to owe to Uncle Sam. Plus I had missed the cut-off date to call or mail for an appeal by a long, long time. This letter came on a day when I couldn't be more pessimistic about my financial and house hunting situation. PMS had a strangle hold on my emotions and I just knew this was punishment for something. But to my surprise when I called and spoke to Cliff, he informed me that it was the employer's error. They had changed payroll services in the middle of the year and both payroll companies reported the earnings. Cliff said it was my lucky day. Cliff has no idea how right he was!
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