from an email:

To whom it may concern:
> for the offensive article regarding Latinos and the Spanish language
> which appears in the February 2003 issue of Vanity Fair. In the
> meantime, please boycott Vanity Fair magazine,
> and urge others to do the same.
> If you are offended by the word-for-word transcription below, please
> copy (rather than forward) this email in a new message, sign it at the
> end of the list, and send it to all of the
> people whom you know. If you receive this list with 100 names signed,
> please send it to the Editor at:
> vfmail@vf.com and copy maldonado wendy@hotmail.com
>>>>> > > > > wendy@hotmail
> Thank you!
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> Excerpt, Vanity Fair (February 2003), p. 116, Ask Dame Edna:Dear Dame Edna,
> I would very much like to learn a foreign language, preferably French
> or Italian, but every time I mention this, people tell me to learn
> Spanish instead. They say, "Everyone is going to be speaking Spanish in
> 10 years. George W. Bush speaks
> Spanish." Could this be true? Are we all going to have to speak
> Spanish?
> Torn Romantic, Palm Beach
>>> > >
> Dear Torn:
> Forget Spanish. There's nothing in that language worth reading except
> Don Quixote, and a quick listen to the CD of Man of La Mancha will take
>
> care of that. There was a poet named Garcia Lorca, but I'd leave him on
> the intellectual back burner if I were
> you. As for everyone's speaking it, what twaddle! Who speaks it that
> you are really desperate to talk to? The
> help? Your leaf blower? Study French or German, where there are a t
> least a few books worth reading, or, if
> you're American, try English.
>>> > > Dame Edna
>>> > > ----------------------------------------
>
> Dear Editor,
> I was infuriated at Dame Edna's response to Torn Romantic,, Palm Beach
> (Vanity Fair, February 2003). Dame Edna
> could have chosen any number of amusing responses; however, she
> responded using cheap, two-dimensional
> stereotypes of Latinos and Latin Americans, revealing not only her
> racism but also her profound ignorance of who
> we are.
>>> > >
> We are not just 'the help' and the 'leaf blowers'. We are architects
> and activists, journalists and doctors, governors and athletes,
> scientists and business people. We are Nobel Prize
> Winners and Rhodes Scholars. We speak Spanish, but we also speak
> fluent English, and many of us speak other
> languages as well. As of last week, we are officially the largest
> minority population in the United States at 37
> million and 13% of the population.
> Without us, the economy o f this nation and the Americas, and
> consequently the world, would come to a complete standstill.
> If Dame Edna were even remotely cultured or educated, she would have
> read and lost herself in the exquisite
> writings of Nobel prize winners Octavio Paz, Gabriel Garcia-Marquez,
> and Pablo Neruda. She would know that
> Sor Juana Inez de la Cruz was one of the first feminists and poets in
> the Americas. She would admire Isabel
> Allende and Sandra Cisneros for their passionate prose and vibrant
> spirits.
> And of course, if it had not been for us, the world would not know
> chocolate! And everyone knows life would not be worth living without
> chocolate.
> Finally, I would like to point out that Dame Edna would have NEVER
> written such blatantly offensive material about African-Americans or
> Jews, for obvious reasons. It seems that
> Dame Edna AND the Editors of Vanity Fair believe that Latinos and
> Latin Americans cannot read, and even if we
> could, we would never be Vanity Fair readers. For the life of me, I
> still cannot figure out why you chose to
> feature Salma Hayek on the cover and in an article celebrating her
> success immediately following such an
> offensive piece.
> demand an apology in print in the next issue of Vanity Fair from the
> Editors and from Dame Edna. In the meantime, I will be mobilizing
> everyone I know to boycott and protest Vanity Fair.
> By the way, I am a 31-year old Mexican-American woman, with three Ivy
> League degrees, working in New York
> City at a major firm. I sure as hell am NOT the leaf blower or the
> help, and I think all of you need to go to college.

from an email:

> > >The Bush White House has an "opinion" line for you
> > to call. So, if
> > >you oppose the proposed war in Iraq, give a call.
> > >
> > >The line only accepts calls from 9-5 EST., Monday
> > thru Friday. Just
> > >call the White House at 202-456-1111.
> > >
> > >A machine will detain you for only a moment and
> > then a pleasant
> > >live operator will thank you for saying "I oppose"
> > or "I
> > >approve." It will only take minutes. Note that the
> > >weekends are closed for calls.
> > >The president has said that he wants to know what
> > the American people
> > >are thinking. Let him know. Time is running out.

Click on this link below and then type in your name...
Ego Boost

Overkill

Last night I had a quasi-conversation with someone whose only contribution was “Right on”, with varying tones based on the mood of my comment. I could have told him that I was a psychopathic stalker who has chosen him as my next target and I would have gotten an encouraging “Right on”. I could have told him that I was hit by a bus and I'll never walk again and I would have gotten a sympathetic “Right on”. Cute and stupid doesn’t work for this Modern Monarch. I’ve decided that I don’t want to hang out with you again. (Unphased) “Right on”.

About A Boy. This movie was so much more touching than I had any idea it would be. Still didn't turn me on to Hugh Grant, but his character was likeable.

Take Note!

Mad Ass Cap Adventure

What a pleasant surprise it was for me to run into a cute boy that I met at the Oakenfold show in December. I hadn't been to Minna in ages and needed to let off some steam in a big way. Four hours and five Chimays later (cutie wound up wearing number six after a wild elbow to my wrist. It's dangerous on the dance floor) I left with cutie and we met up with his co-workers at La Colonial. What possessed me to continue consuming alcohol is beyond me, but I had another Chimay and partook in a group Kamakazie shot. I remember cutie drank two double Mojitos. I remember much opposition regarding cutie's boss driving home as he could barely make it to the loo without taking a tumble. We cabbed it to his boss's car where one of us other intoxicants were going to attempt to drive to The O.S.B. on Polk. The boss wound up driving the three block trek (for some reason it made sense last night) and we started a game of pool. About fifteen minutes later the police arrived, pointing out that the boss had parked in a handicapped space. After much drunken conversation with the authorities, it was decided the car was going to be towed. The boss called his boyfriend for a little back up, but the boyfriend left him high and dry. The entire cab ride back to my house (this too sounded like a better idea last night) he was screaming into his cell phone leaving the same slurred message over and over for his boyfriend, "I bailed you out of jail last weekend and you can't even come and pick me up after my car just got towed"?! "I spent a thousand dollars and stayed up for thirty-five hours (approximately. This number increased with every message) and you won't help me"?! "I'll remember this BITCH"! And later added while sitting on my sofa "My ex-boyfriend keeps calling me and you know what"?, "I'm going to go back to him"! He crashed on my sofa. I heard him leave this morning. Poor thing, I bet he didn't have any idea where he was or which end was up. Cutie on the other hand knew exactly which end was up IF-you know what I mean *nudge* It was great redemption for him being a car salesman. Is that harsh?

Grant me leniency on punctuation, grammar, spelling, and anything that requires technical thought. I'm so hung right now I'm shaking worse that Michael J. Fox. Oh shut up, you know you laughed inside. Anyway I don't care, I got laid!

There's a really greasy old man standing under my window with a portable radio blasting big band music, waving his hands and whistling to the tune. Reminds me of living on Jones and Sutter. *sniff*

San Francisco Bay Area Math Test!!!

1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their
commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked
two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile
per hour, how much time will they spend discussing
their relationship in public?

2. Michael lives in Los Altos Hills and has two
abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional
parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person
he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready
to go home if one person walks by the window of the
sushi bar every three minutes?

3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of
getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing,
what is the likelihood that Sanjeev will need to
hitchhike to Berkeley during the next week to renew
his erythromycin prescription?

4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda
and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him
$1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write
the check for?

5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to
destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal
rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many
people did each dead rat empower?

6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white
sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the
likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be
socks of color?

7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple
lattes every morning while working on his laptop. If
each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what
is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?

8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them
recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda
bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per
month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus
or deficit? (Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic
bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they
drinking?)

9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker
in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12
pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not
eat them?

10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1
bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a
single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if
he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met
only one double-amputee?

Advanced Placement Students Only:

11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a
three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month.
Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other
three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to
run their web servers. None of them wants to use the
futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want
to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.
What is their best option:

a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as
handgun monitors at Mission High.

b. Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share
Effie and Trip's bedroom for $500/month.

c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling
her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.

d. Rent strike.

I added: If Dan and Renee walk down 24th Street at one block every two minutes, to go to Barney's Burgers, how many strollers will they dodge, and how many babies named Hunter will drool on their Campers?

20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...

> > 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
> > 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my
> > bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
> > 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and
> > honestly believe I could do it too.
> > 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy
> > Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
> > 5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating
> > even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on
eating
> > it.
> > 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.
> > 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
> > 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
> > 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
> > 10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
> > sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
> > 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
> > keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
> > 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
> > 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
> > just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
> > 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
> > floor.
> > 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this
> > the WRONG WAY but..."
> > 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
> > 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
> > 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
> > standing) and take a quick nap.
> > 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut
> > down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
> > 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
> > having problems walking straight.

Thankfully I can't testify to this behavior in recent years, but there was a time ladies and gentleman, when this was a routine night out for Your Majesty. With a bit of vomiting and police action thrown in for good measure. At least five nights a week for three years. I've come a long way baby!

This is what happens when you have no job.

A Blind man goes into a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a
drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey,
you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should
know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Stretching it just a bit? Maaaaaybe. I can see how one might see the resemblance, but I cannot see how one convinced enough others to gain international attention.

Get Involved! Now all of America can be just as incoherent as our leader.

Coincidence?

I'm constantly asked what we talk about at my weekly Ladees Nite. Most men assume all we do is male bash. This isn't true. We cover a myriad of topics including current events, cooking, parenting, and our careers. It's not intentional that the conversation steers in the direction of the opposite sex. Last Wednesday we were discussing the characteristics of autism. With our combined knowledge we knew that people with autism liked to be squished, they like dark spaces, they see people as objects, they don't understand emotion, and can get lost in repetition. Before long we realized the same characteristics were true of the penis. I decided to do a brief internet search of other symptoms of autism, and sure enough, you could diagnose every male organ with this enigmatic disease.

MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF AUTISM

1. Failure to develop normal socialization
-can’t develop normal social skills
-can’t show emotion
-apathetic and unresponsive
-little or no eye contact
-people used as a "means to an end", as tools
-inability to relate to the world

2. Disturbances in Speech, Language, and Communication
-second major symptom: speech problems.
- 40% of kids with autism do not speak at all
-Have echolalia (link to page with key terms)
-Pragmatics (non verbal communication /social interactions is impaired.

3. Abnormal Relationships to Objects and Events
-unable to relate normally to things and events.
-many have a "need for sameness" and may become upset if their environment/schedule is changed.
-need for routine.
-playing by self, lining up items, etc.
-responses to playing, etc, may change with time.

4. Abnormal Responses to Sensory Stimulation
-respond to stimuli differently: ex. "we" filter out car alarms, police alarms, autistic children don’t and may cover their ears, shout, etc.
-tendency to "overattend" some things and "underattend" others.
-may even seem deaf at times.
-may be fascinated with letters, lights, etc.
-enjoy being thrown in the air or spinning.
-may be indifferent to cold or pain.


The following list, developed by the National Society for Children and Adults with Autism portrays the signs and symptoms of autism. If a child exhibits 7 or more of these behaviors and if the behavior is constant and age inappropriate, further evaluation is recommended.
Resists normal teaching methods
Inappropriate laughing and giggling
Lack of speech or impaired speech
Acts as if deaf
No fear of real dangers
Apparent insensitivity to pain
Echolalic
Spins objects
Not cuddly
Sustained odd play
Uneven fine/gross motor skills: May not be able to kick a ball but can stack blocks.
No eye contact
Standoffish manner
Difficulty in mixing with other children
Resists change in routine
Unusual perceptual stimuli: Looking “through” people.
Inappropriate attachments to objects
Marked physical overactivity or extreme passivity
Crying tantrums: Extreme distress for no discernible reason.

Make Sure Your Connected
-Stereo MC's

Your Majesty is coming to you live and direct from her bedroom. If I'm not mistaken, I am the last person I know to finally merge onto the information super highway from the comfort of my own home. Graciously donated by my angel of a friend Becca, I have a couple of bonuses too, like free internet and a cd burner. I see many 3am postings in my future boys and girls.

I know. It's been entirely too long, but I don't have much computer access now that I'm unemployed. Oh yes, within a week I comforted my dying great-grandmother, learned much about my biological father for the first time in my life, and got canned. It's been heavy, but I'm confident with time it will all be manageable once again. Thanks bunches for all of your concerned emails. It feels good to be missed!

Grooming 101

The Best Part of Waking Up

I keep my dream journal in my bathroom so that first thing when I wake up I can jot down my twisted visions from the night. I was writing in it this morning and I noticed an entry on the following page in someone else's handwriting that read "Suck it long, suck it hard, but make no mistake you will suck it" signed Bill Clinton. The only thing I can think of is that someone who's been over my house thought it was a bathroom guestbook.

Super therapy on Monday. It's unbelievable how much relief I get from simply labeling the residual emotions from my past. I've always had the healthy attitude of allowing myself to feel everything but not to stay there. That's important to keep in mind because when 20 year-old pain comes flooding to the surface, I don't want to drown in it. I spent so much of my youth parenting myself, that I haven't taken a break to enjoy who I've become. Insert hokey mantra here-2003 is all about me! Actually it's always been about me, but I thought it was funny that it happened to rhyme.

from an email:

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a
pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?
One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English
was invented by people and not computers and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't BUICK rhyme with QUICK?