Delicious AND Not So Nutricious

Left over birthday cake with Pixy Stix topping makes a hell of a lunch I must say!

Rite of Passage

My co-working friend greeted me with birthday goodies this morning. Everything was perfectly packaged in a big Barbie gift bag. On behalf of Becky Hostetler I got a Barbie birthday card, a Jesus candle, Willy Wonka pixy stix, magic grow zodiac signs, a box of super absorbent tampons, a whoopi cushion, three types of stickers. But my big gift was a cashmere sweater. My very first piece of cashmere. I'm all growed up!

My neighbor friend called and sang Happy Birthday to me, handmade a crown for me that I wore at dinner, and showered me with gifts from the Orient. Shiny pearl bracelets, purple and blue Buddhist bracelets, a beautiful red paper lamp, and an amazing silk Chinese dress that's royal blue and silver, hot Mama! A group of friends took me out for sushi, and a few ladees showed up as a surprise! I got a gift card for Virgin Megastore and Origins, I got a sassy pair of striped tights, a mouth watering selection of chocolates straight from Belgium, a magic date ball (that confirmed I will be dating in December) and I got a TON of love from friends! I also discovered Wasabi Tobiko, what a fucking rush!

'Get Out Of Jail Free' Card

Happy one Heineken before I left the house to me, Happy Cosmopolitan chased by another Heineken to me, Happy four more Heinekens and a birthday komakaaaaa-si, Happy one last Heineken at the DNA Lounge to me! What an epic night. The girls gave me permission to break my strike for a night so I wound up glued to an adorable English bloke with great dimples. Superbooty was supah, it was more like a giant house party than a concert. I was having issues with turning 29, but after Saturday night surrounded by good friends and funky costumes, I've embraced it! Sunday morning I was embracing the idea of never drinking again. Thanks for the love everyone!

It's My Party......

and cry I will! According to my driver's license, I'm going to be 29 next Monday. Join me in erasing the reality of this startling fact this Saturday the 23rd at Bimbo's. There's to be NO singing, and NO funny hats. Wait a minute, it's SuperBooty, they ARE singing with funny hats!

Rude Awakening

My alarm went off at 6:30 this morning and when I didn't hear any traffic on Guerrero, I knew something was wrong. As I was getting out of bed I heard a helicopter circling above and I felt even more uneasy. When I looked out of my living room window, my block was literally bumper to bumper with police cars and vans, rescue units, a disaster relief bus, plenty of unmarked cars, and two news teams. I looked out towards downtown and because it was so foggy, I couldn't see the tops of the buildings, and in my half asleep confusion, I immediately thought that San Francisco was being leveled by bombs. I clicked on the tv and saw a report stating that a man had been outside my home waving a shotgun in the street in the wee hours of the morning, and there had been a three hour stand-off. Eventually the tops of buildings emerged from the low fog, and I was relieved that it was an isolated incident and no one was hurt. Okay universe, I've had enough excitement for today.

I scored 12 out of 16 with this little time waster. How about you?

Six Days and Counting

I had my first birthday recognition last night. My oldest friend got me a new journal with a cute little caption every few pages that read "I can't stop saying the F word", a book of thought provoking word problems, and she treated me to Hawthorne Lane for nibbles. Tuna tartare, lobster bisque, and pumpkin infused risotto with a pomegranate sauce. Turning twenty-nine may not be so bad after all.

On Second Thought.....

After finally seeing the Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson video, I no longer feel that Tommy's nose is his best attribute.

Crossing the Picket Line

I saw Duncan Sheik and Ben Folds at the Warfield on Friday. After Duncan's set it was announced that he would be at the merchandise counter signing autographs. I was fortunate enough to be one of the first star struck fans in line, and while he was signing cds and t-shirts I decided to conduct an impromptu interview with the handsome little devil.

qr Hey Duncan, how goes it?
ds It goes good, very good, and you?
qr I'm peachy, thanks. So are you married?
ds Nope, nope, not married?
qr Hmmm. How about a girl friend?
ds Yes, I have a girlfriend back in New York.
qr Harumph. Are you happy?
ds (not very convincingly) Yeah, I'm happy.
qr Well good for you.

I gave him two ticket stubs to sign and I told him the first was for Andy. "Who's Andy"? he asked. Oh, is he getting a little jealous? "My friend" I answered and he signed it "Peace, Duncan". I told him the next was for Reese, and he asked who Reese was. I pointed to my chest and declared "Me"! He signed it "To Reese, xxxooo, Duncan". Yeah, he wanted me. And you want to live in my fantasy world don'tcha?

Giddyap!

Golly Jeepers!

Sounds Like......

Last night I was telling some friends that I saw a little fender bender in front of my house. A car was rear ended and the car in back was actually stuck under the rear bumper of the car in front. We were making gestures and sound effects embellishing the predicament when one friend blurted out "It's Autoerotic"!

Stuck inside because off all the rain? Well here's a little indoor activity that's guaranteed fun for hours!

"Blame it on the rain"
-Milli Vanilli

Yes, I have a few questions surrounding last night's events.

#1 Who's idea was it to paint the town red on a Thursday, before 10PM, during a hellacious storm?

#2 Exactly how many clubs did we pop into only to find that we were the only ones there?

#3 Why, oh why, in God's name, did I flash a gay doorman at a gay bar? He did let my friend in free for the stunt, yes he let the person with me in for free, and not the mad flasher, but what in the hell prompted it?

#4 At what point did I decide that 8oz. of vodka would mix well with four generous glasses of red wine?

#5 How did I bruise my left brow bone, and were there any witnesses?

In my defense, a night is certain to doom when Christina Aguilera's "Dirrrty" is your theme song. I did purchase a lovely pair of vintage earrings at charity event, there were no boys involved throughout the whole escapade (in part to everyone staying at home because it WAS STORMING!), and I was passed out by 10:30PM. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning on my sofa, still in my clothes including the boots, with the remote in my hand. Real classy like.

Red, White and Kablooey

How many ladees does it take to open a bottle of wine? Better yet, how much determination do four young ladies show when their buzz is in jeopardy?! Three lovely ladees attended Ladees Nite last night, and when it came time to crack open another bottle of vino, I failed as hostess miserably. My corkscrew actually broke off in the cork! We put our heads together and one of the ladees remembered that she had a pair of pliers in her motorcycle bag. After a tug here and a twist there, and a comical comment about our Motorcycle Mama being a dyke in waiting, we were all able to enjoy another glass of smashed grapes. Women are TOO resourceful!

I LOVE FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!

Tee-Hee

LUSH

I just got a set of pix back from Halloween. Out of 27 pictures I remember about 5. I'm in or took most of them, but have the vaguest recollection of it happening. There's Alice and the Slim Jim guy, the PowerPuff Girls, another Alice, the real SF police, the Super Penis, an incredibly handsome ExxonMobil guy, Becky and Lionel Richie, and a couple of shots of people spanking my booty. That girl Alice, is a skank!

PostFest


Bliss

I just tuned in to 105.3 during their all request Rewind Hour and so far I've heard The Beastie Boys, The Cult, Violent Femmes.

Sell Out

Ore-Ida's latest advert features that groovy classic from the 70's by Lipps Inc only with a few lyrical changes. "I just want to eat some, FUNKY FRIES"!

Bitter Irony

Yesterday in the mail I got a copy of the Kitty Holiday Catalog. Odd thing since I've never received this before; until my kitty went AWOL. *sniff*

Oblivious

I find it hard to believe that there was more action going on besides the hoopla that surrounded my ass. I read this Craigslist post this morning. And then this one and this one.

Selective Memory

I just had a flashback of me crouching down and peeing in the dark corner of someone's driveway with Martha and Becky standing guard.

Alice In Castroland

I began my adventure with Alice Cooper and a Spelunker. I heard a shout from the left "Hey Snow White"! I politely replied "I'm Alice in Wonderland". Geesh, Snow White is a brunette. A few blocks more into the chaos I heard "Swiss Miss"! I yelled back "I'm Alice in Wonderland"! Damn dude, Swiss Miss has braids. Worse yet, I got "I love you Britney Spears"! I proceeded to flip him the bird and scream "I'm Alice in Fucking Wonderland"! Ah well, it's not like they were looking at anything but my rack anyway. We soon joined my best friend forever Becky Hostetler,(the ugliest girl in 7th grade from 1983) Jailbird Martha Stewart, a wizard with a raven, and a store bought 'creepy guy'. Some get ups of note: walking legos, Sailor Moon, a walking shower, a guy with a toilet seat over his head with chunks on the seat, a kissing booth, a cereal killer, and my fav, Raoul Durke. Alice ran into a few of her old friends, the Mad Hatter, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, and the Queen of Hearts. Becky got to meet Barbie and TWO Strawberry Shortcakes. She almost peed herself, and so did I watching her in action. Here are some of the autographs she got:

"Follow the scent of your dreams to your heart"-Strawberry Shortcake
"Becky, you can ride shotgun in K.I.T.T. anytime"-David Hasselhoff
"Becky, 'Silver Spooning Becky' sounds like a great spin-off"-Your friend, Ricky Schroeder
"Becky, it's gonna be me"-Joey Fatone
"Becky, my house is not full without you"-John Stamos
"To Becky, such a pretty girl"-Rue Mcllanahan
"Becky, having the time of my life"-Patrick Swayze
"Becky, Tramps and Thieves"-Cher
"Becky, you make me feel like 6 million"-Lee Majors
"What you lookin at Becky"-Gary Coleman
She also got a rainbow drawn by Soleil Moon Frye. She is SO lucky.

It never ceases to amaze me, what boys will do when presented with T and A. Two steps inside of a Castro Street invite only house party, (thanks Judy) and a mechanic and Elvis were fighting over who was going to fetch Alice's boobs a beer. I was so buzzed at the house party, I forgot about my dating strike and gave Elvis my phone number. Looks like he's going to be checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. With our Curious George stamps on our wrists, we were free to leave and come back to the party. And so we did. Shaking my ass in the front room of 299 Castro, mingling with the tricks and treats in the streets, standing in line for the potty at 299 Castro, having my picture taken with a group of doctors pretending to give me a shot you know where, talking to a flaming Stanford student about Lewis Carroll, letting girls poke my boobs to see if they were real. This was the most exciting rabbit hole I've fallen down in a long time. A few girls passed and I heard one squeal "I want my picture with Alice"! Then alpha Barbie firmly stated "No store bought costumes". My intoxicated, cocky alter ego snapped back, "Honey, this is custom MADE"! Which brings me to a realization; a five hundred dollar costume and most people went home with a picture of my ass. I know, I know, can we say DOWNLOAD? You may think that most men are breast men but no, no, no. They just get a lot of play because they're closer to eye level. Put a perky posterior on display and you'll hear reactions from behind like "Fucking A", Have Mercy", "Ouch", and "Goddamn right"! It's amazing how fast five hours goes by when you're brain is swimming in Heineken, and before I knew it, I was getting chilly because the crowd was thinning out, and I had to borrow Becky's shawl for the walk home.

I could retrace my steps this morning from the trail I left in my flat at 3am. Shoes and back pack at the front door, wig hanging on the door knob, costume on the bathroom floor, make-up soiled washcloth in the sink, and fake eyelashes on the bedside table. War wounds from the evening are crippling pain in my feet from my platform mary janes, a sore abdomen from the diaphragm crushing costume, (seems I've put on a few since Alice's last run) and pleather burn on my biceps from **clearing the throat** bigger 'muscles'. My tush feels violated from all of the spanking, pinching, squeezing, patting,

I must admit, right now I'm still buzzed from last night. Of course it could be "magic cookies" I had for breakfast. It's going to be a Happy New Year fer SURE!

Happy New Year!!!

I have to say that I was successful with last years resolutions which included living on my own and getting out of the city more often. This year I will find my kitty, resolve unsettled concerns, volunteer more, have the discipline to execute ideas, and get in better shape. I hope everyone has a blast tonite, and for the year to come!!

Not The Kind Of Pet You Take To The Park.....

Unless of course you're into that sort of thing!

And I Thought My Cramps Were The Worst Thing About My Period

Maybe he was a secret shopper on the early morning shift.

Maybe he had been sent down to Walgreen's by his wife, and wanted to watch and learn by example.

Maybe he's just a sick, twisted fuck who enjoys hovering three feet behind women while they shop for tampons at 7:30 in the morning.

Much Needed Vitamin D To The Rescue!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay for sunshine!!!

I saw Jackass Friday night and OHMAGAWD it is uproarious! It was opening night so the crowd was lively and I was in stitches. Go see it now! I went to a four year-old's birthday party on Saturday and jumped in the inflated bouncy house until my lungs practically collapsed. Once you do something a toddler likes, you'd better be prepared to do it over, and over, and over, until the end of time. A twenty pound kid feels like a hundred after forty or fifty tosses around an air filled fire station. I spent Saturday evening surfing the personals with a friend who's not ready to date just yet, but wants to see what's out there. We were in a fit of laughter over the candidates. Out of two hundred men that matched her search, about ten were worthy of the "Hotlist". We came across the profile of a friend of hers. He had a bunch of typos and he's an editor, he put in our heads the mental image of him on the toilet with a newspaper, and he said that camping gear could be found in his room to which my friend exclaimed, "He doesn't CAMP"! Later that night I went to a warehouse Halloween party from midnight until four in the morning. To say the freaks come out at night is an understatement. Only people out that late are tweekers! And me. But I danced and guzzled water all night, and enjoyed a social event without scoping for boys which was strange and refreshing as hell. Sunday I did natta but watch the Giants get creamed because I was beat from my wee hours of the morning outing.

I had my first visit with my therapist today and she couldn't be more perfect for me! I'm so excited to clear the clutter. One of the heaviest issues I face is the guilt of being so far from my siblings, especially my youngest brother who is seven. I feel selfish that I'm so happy so far away from him, and he's suffering. I feel like I should be doing more, live closer to be more of a positive influence for him. She said that although she can't tell me what course of action to take, she wanted to point out that sometimes watching a sibling go for their happiness is a great influence for them as well. That gave me a new sense of relief.

Hi-Tech

I just called the tech support line for a design program we have here at the office. The IT dude gave me a web address to go to, so I did, then he had me click 'ok' a few times, and before I knew it, the dude had complete control over my computer from 1,300 miles away. He was moving the cursor, opening programs, it was really creepy. Is that what hacking is?

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeen!

East Meets West

I hosted a magical wedding on my roof top deck Saturday at sunset. A romantic pink sky, full moon, and seventeen people bursting with love. And we couldn't have had two more diverse families merging if we tried. The bride is Japanese and the groom is Virginian. The bride's guests were a gaggle of giggling Asian girls, and the groom's family is Southern Christian conservative, not much exposure to city living. The country folk were in complete culture shock, and after two days here, could not wait to get back home for a plate of hot grits and fried okra.

The groom also invited his very best friend from Virginia. (You should have known). I knew him in Va and always thought he was the cutest thing with his big brown eyes, great nostrils, perfect white, straight teeth, and plenty of tattoos. He always had a girlfriend, but lucky for me he hit the West side single. That's right, your darling ruler finally got some! After all, my dating strike doesn't begin until November. And Sunday morning was October. And a damn satisfying October morning I might add. It's been entirely too long since the USS Muff has had a qualified diver on board. It was obvious from the start that he enjoys what he does, and I'll testify that there's a lot to be said for loving what you do. Thanks a million snuggle buddy!

Do You Want To Make More Money?

Sure, we all do! My fun co-worker went down to L.A. last week with my boss to do some antique shopping. He said the most frequent commercial on TV was a promotion for alpaca farming. No there isn't something you're not getting, it's just really that bizarre! And there are a couple of farms right here in the Bay Area! Do smell a field trip? Hmmm, I wonder if I could talk my landlord into letting me keep livestock on the roof!

Guilty Pleasures

I have to admit. I have a number of embarrassing indulgences that I would never share with anyone, but many peculiar ones that I'm not ashamed of at all. My nostril fetish for one. Another, The Big Titty Baby Show, or more commonly known as Charmed. This has got to be the campiest show in history. Buffy couldn't beat it with a stake. When the show first aired I was furious that they were depicting Wicca as this over-the-top, blowing things up with their minds type of spirituality. But half way through the second season, I realized this was merely a platform to parade taut tummies and BOOBIES! I've gotten so many people hooked on this weekly 60 minute cleavage-fest, it could be considered my own magical power. It is a riot to see how often a perky set of jumblies can get camera time. For instance, you see a woman from behind, sitting at the bar of the Charmed One's nightclub, and as the camera closes in, she gets up to leave the bar and BAM!, breasteses. And the story lines use every angle possible to get the girls into wet-dream-worthy attire including fetish wear and skimpy superhero costumes. I won't deny that Six Feet Under is a clever show, and I could just walk across the street to see it, but I'm going to be planted on my own sofa under the WB's spell every Sunday at 8pm. Viva la ta-tas!

What's your guilty pleasure? Email your Majesty and I'll post replies, anonymously of course.

Pah-tewey!

If you're going to spray perfume all around you in the morning, don't drink from he uncovered glass of water sitting on the dresser afterwards.

It Only Takes A Click

Let the Healing Begin

So much in a better mood, yes. effectively communicate, no. I had a mini tarot reading last night, and the summary was that there's an air of great heartbreak and loss around me. Not necessarily romantic, which I know it isn't, but more about my desires and goals. She said it could be my Saturn return as well, which would mean things that are typically sedimentary are now being stirred up. This should prove to be an interesting journey for me. Sorting out negative feelings that have nothing to do with romance is a first for me. It's refreshing really, to give myself this time to heal without the distraction of the dating dance. It's taken me a long time to become a clean slate in the boy department again, and the first time I didn't focus inward. It was my first year here in SF and I used all of my excess energy to party like a mad woman to mask any uneasy feelings I had about being alone. Winter is a time for introspection and I'm digging out my magnifying glass.

I suggested the title "the wheels on the bus go round and round" to exploding dog.

You know how you meet someone who you KNOW isn't good for you and yet you entertain the idea, creating solid explanations for those very bad qualities? After all, we don't want to be too hard on people right? But if you do go for it, then 2 months later when it's over, you site these very attributes as the factors for the relationship's demise!
I will NOT let lust prevail over reason. I will NOT let lust prevail over reason. I will NOT let lust prevail over reason. I will NOT let lust prevail over reason. I will NOT let lust prevail over reason.

Ray of Light

I must say, my spirits have lifted a bit today. I'm actually jovial and slappy around here at work. My fun co-worker yelled out, "She's baaaaack"! I still want to embark on therapy to be sure things don't sneak up on me at the most inopportune time, but alas I'm not a drag to be around!

Moody Blues

They're still here and I can't shake 'em. I'm really hoping it's because I was sick all last week and I still have to bounce back, but it's quite frightening to me when I'm used to the sunny side of things and now the only thoughts going through my head are my "issues". We all have them, and I I've always prided myself at having a great hold and control over my priorities and my mental health. But lately I'm frustrated with the negative energy that's surrounding me. I always feel better when I write or talk about things, and it's usually just pre-menstrual, but I've filled pages and friends ears, and my mood has not lifted. I tried making my 'Things to be thankful for" list, but for every positive aspect, it seemed like three "needs to be worked on" items popped into my train of thought. I'm alienating friends and bringing down morale at the office. I feel all around bitter and for absolutely NO good reason. I'm going to talk to a professional soon. It's scary, not because I feel defeated, I'm very pro-therapy, but because I have no idea what we'll uncover. When your seemingly happy, always the one with a smile, and then within days you fell like Eeyore, you know there's trouble. Could be something as simple as the pill that I've recently started, wouldn't that be nice. Thanks everyone for listening to me blubber this last week, hopefully there's some relief coming soon!

"Call Me"
-Blondie

So a friend of mine accepted a ride home with a guy after a conference week before last. She had just met him, and when he dropped her off, he asked for her phone number. She gave him her number, although she wasn't bowled over with enthusiasm, she wouldn't have minded getting together to check him out. This was Thursday. He called her on Friday during the day, multiple times, but only left one message. She was going to call him Friday night, but got busy and planned on calling Saturday. He called Friday night, multiple times. She was a bit put off at his tenacity without any encouragement on her part, and decided she would wait until Sunday, see how she felt about it, and call him then. He called over, and over, and over. It's been a little over a week, and he's called twenty-nine times without ever having spoken to her. Does he think this is a radio call in contest or something? He's only left two messages, in the beginning, but does he not know that everyone has caller ID? Where is this dude's impulse control? Where is his pride? Call, yes. Leave a message, yes. Call after the weekend in case she was out of town or busy, yes. But call every time she crosses your mind, no no no no no no.... I know that it's disappointing when you're interested and it doesn't pan out, but get a grip! What posses a person to pursue with absolutely NO reciprocation? I'm not saying my friend isn't amazing, because if he actually knew her, he'd probably be passing over her house in an airplane with a desperate banner trailing behind "Why don't you like me"??

Red Flag

I've exchanged three, small talk emails with this guy from nerve.com. We swapped phone numbers and made plans to go out Tuesday night. I called him Tuesday evening and told him that my early plans were running late, and that I wasn't feeling all that well anyway, so I would drop him a line on Wednesday to let him know if I felt like getting together. He sounded fine with it, and wished me getting better. I took off from work on Wednesday because I was so sick, and when I was across the street at my neighbor friend's house getting drugs (vitamin C and Advil), I hopped on her computer and dropped him a note.

subject-I'm a Flake
Hi so and so,
I have to postpone once again, I'm feeling so bad that I didn't even go to work today. My glands are huge and my throat is on fire! I have your number so I'll drop you a line when I'm feeling human again.
qr

His reply:

subject-flakey gurl
The flaky part is the email. You could just call. Which I hope you'll
do
when you're feeling better. I am curious how your meeting at 111
went,
though.
so and so


My throat was huge and on fire you anal retentive prick, THAT"S why I emailed. I didn't feel like wasting what little energy I had on a nit-picky freak like you! And he wants me to still call him after a remark like that? I can see this penis wrinkle down the road with whoever has the misfortune of making a connection "Excuse me honey," "How can you explain that you bought single roll toilet paper instead of the double roll". "Just what is going on here"?
I'm not even going to dignify this with a reply. Just to reiterate, I'm taking the month of November off from dating!

p.s. We missed the woman we were supposed to talk to at Minna so we're going to try again next week.

It's A BOY!

Yesterday I witnessed the birth of a good friend's son. This was the second time I've had the honor of experiencing this humbling moment, and I'll take every chance I can get. 8lbs 12oz, 21" long, healthy and BEAUTIFUL! After about 12 hours of epidural concealed contractions, his head came out during the practice pushes, and the rest after only 3 pushes! I learned that the key to a peaceful delivery is prenatal yoga and numbing juice released directly into the spine. The Verve was lying when they said 'The drugs don't work', because I've seen first hand how a constant supply of a local anaesthetic can alleviate the unbearable pain that makes you want to DIE. And when my time comes, I'll be pushing the button like the returning champion on Jeopardy my friends, because as one nurse put it, "If the baby is okay, why be in pain". Hell, the nurses encourage you to push the magic button as much as you want, I even saw a nurse sneak a few clicks in herself. The device has a guard on it so you can't over medicate yourself, and it doesn't harm to the baby. Natural shmatural. I guarantee at two centimeters dialated you'll be tackling the nurse that holds the keys to the narcotics cart like a fat kid would the dessert tray. Congratulations Mom and Dad, you did good. And welcome little man, you're a lucky dude to be a part of such a wonderful family. *sniff*

Reader's Response to The Disclaimer Part 2

-I think anytime you fall in love, or simply invest yourself into a relationship like that, it enriches you as a person. It might really, really hurt for a while, but in the end, when you come out the other side, you're a fuller person. And, maybe if you don't stop hurting after the person leaves, it means that you need to move heaven and earth to go be with that person. The only real word of warning would be that it's really easy to idealize a 4 month relationship after the fact. You're usually still in the honeymoon period; cute little habits that would *really* annoy you after a year, are still cute. Also, more fundamental issues (like communication) can be easier to gloss over when you think it's only going to last 4 months. So, it's also really easy to look back and think that was the best relationship you ever had -- it may have been really intense, and full of great passion, but it also didn't have the chance to really mature. For me, that was actually kind of the hardest thing about it being over, all the might have beens, this whole "it's not you or me or the relationship, it's just the world."

Mixed Signals

The gay boy at the local cafe has been entirely too flirty with me in my opinion. My fun co-worker (who is a gay boy) and I think that he is foxy. Every time we go in, my co-worker said that cafe boy was checking me out. He would compliment my dress while gawking at my booty and make small talk. So a few weeks ago I asked the girl at the counter who the guy was with the shaved head and blue eyes that I sometimes see there and she said he was the owner. I told her that my friend thought he was cute, and asked if he liked boys or girls and she said boys. But I swear when I go in there, he is so interested in chatting and hanging out with me until my food comes...I'm not one of those girls who thinks that every guy that talks to her likes her. It was my co-worker who had to point out to me that he thought this guy was hitting on me. So today I was placing my order and they ask your name, and he's standing within ear shot and he says, "I thought your name was Jessica". I said "Actually it's Reese, but I use this name (wouldn't you like to know) when I come here because Reese yelled out sounds too much like the other names that they call out". So he walks the length of the bar muttering Reese, Reese, Reese.....After I picked up my salad I smiled at him and said thanks and he says "You're welcome REESE"!, with a big ol' smile and a flash of those baby blues. Time to grow some balls and ask the kid out.

I'm not sure, but I think my date from Saturday night may haven given me a booty call last night. He called close to 11pm, from a bar where he had been drinking and watching the game, and his first question was, "How are your spots"? See the spots were one of the reasons why I didn't want to get naked in the bed with him. That and it was our first date. Okay, so I would have gotten naked, but it doesn't mean I would have 'gone all the way'. Really, I wouldn't have. I can't stand the feeling after casual sex anymore, just not worth it. I emailed him this morning and asked him if it was in fact a booty call, but no response. I can't say I blame him, I did go home with him the first night. And I am DEAD SEXY! But I actually enjoyed his company enough that I'd rather not be kept in the bedroom.

My boss gave me the results of my review and it looks like I'm getting a bonus for all of the hard work I've been doing in the last four months, BUT since I haven't had a chance to prove myself enough as full on office manager/PR, due to the rush of finishing this last big project, he has suggested another review in three months where upon, I will be greatly rewarded for my sucking up, er um, hard work and efforts. Ah well. Now I have a challenge and I have money to burn!

The Disclaimer Part 2

Back in June I wrote a post regarding the infamous dating disclaimer. My stand was that people should not commence every relationship with "I'm not looking for anything serious" just so that after 3 months of acting like a couple, they can bail and say that you were forewarned. Just admit that you've realized you're not compatible, and bow out. If it were that easy. Bringing egos into the mix reduces everything to a battle of self protection and rejection control. The post was written from a twinge of anger because a good friend was hurting. Now I have even more thoughts on the subject. I still think that the people who use this line to make getting out of the relationship easier are cowards, but I have realized that there are very valid reasons for being upfront with people and setting a boundary. Sometimes we have just gotten out of a relationship and are not whole yet to begin again. Perhaps one is working on internal issues, to make themselves a better person for a relationship. One might be in the progress of moving out of the country. BUT, just because the boundary has been set, doesn't mean you can set a boundary on your heart.
So a friend of mine has just fallen for a girl who is moving to Brazil in four months. What's a boy to do? I don't know! He is the biggest kid at heart I know, in the best possible way. He's thirty-four, ridiculously creative and funny, much integrity, and he wants someone special in his life. Does he continue to follow his heart, and enjoy her company for as long as he can, creating happy memories that he can look back on fondly? Nothing lasts forever anyway, right? These two really, really get along. She makes him laugh, she's a very caring woman, and there's certainly chemistry. How can he get to know her for the next four months, and not have his heart hope that she will change her mind and not go, or perhaps invite him on her journey. And who's to say that couldn't happen? How can he take it day by day, and try to keep her leaving in the back of his mind, when each day she's sharing trip planing details. Should he explain that her departure would create too much heartbreak and end it now? Should he invest his time and heart one someone he knows will not be around for very long, keeping him from meeting someone who could potentially be a keeper? Or does he take a risk?
I've tried putting myself in his shoes to give him fair advice. I would more than likely take the risk. If I like this person as much as I've liked a few men in the past, I'd go for it. Of course the idealist in me would go off on daydreams of him asking me to run away with him, but the realist in me would warn my friends of a potential break-down, and keep in mind that we grow and learn from pain.
Any thoughts?

Can I Get An AMEN?!

I went on my lunch date yesterday. He's really nice. He's very tall and handsome, and soft spoken. We had lunch and chatted for about an hour and a half. He's from New York, his Dad was a film producer, and he's interested in the biz as well. Although there was no immediate chemistry, I would like to enjoy his company again.

I went on my night date, and it lasted until morning. (gasp) I wasn't a total skank, despite the 4 lemon drops consumed on an empty stomach. It wasn't due to a lack of pursuit, but I'm still a tad spotty from my camping expedition, and I don't feel like the saucy Monarch that I am. Finally a set of lips worth smooching. He's very cute, and he makes me laugh. I liked kissing him, and he liked rubbing my booty. He bit the bullet and went to The Stud with me until 3am, nice sacrifice. We didn't make plans to see each other again, but I'd say yes if he asked. Hell, I think I would even call and ask this one myself.

I went this morning and met friends for brunch, a friend cooked a delicious eggs gravlax, rosemary potatoes, biscuits, and a fruit tart. I actually had the nerve to wash it all down with 2 mimosas. We walked around the Castro Street Fair for about an hour, and now I'm preparing for a nice Sunday afternoon nap!

Bizee Beaver
Hey Beavis, she said Beaver!

I'm going out to dinner with friends tonite. I have a brunch date tomorrow. I'm going out for drinks for a co-worker's birthday tomorrow night. I have a date tomorrow nite after birthday cocktails. I'm having brunch with friends on Sunday and then hopefully getting some laundry dome Sunday nite. I don't know too much about my dates. They responded to my ad in the personals, so we'll see. My Missed Connections dude didn't call and ask me out again. Ah well, I got my very first piece of camping gear as a parting gift!
I've been working to promote my fun co-workers art because he is so amazing, and we've been asked to meet with the art person at 111 Minna on Tuesday, isn't that just awesome?! Chatting people up and getting them enthused, yeah I was born to do it!

Level Headed

I finally talked to my friend yesterday. I called and apologized for ruining his good mood and asked if we were still friends. I told him that I felt justified in my reaction to my disappointment, but it hurt me to know that I bummed my friend out. We're completely back to good, and he even added that he couldn't be happier having me as a friend, we were all just a little testy that day. Warm and Fuzzy!

Hot Headed

I couldn't feel any lower. I got into a tiff with a good friend yesterday and we haven't talked about it so I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think I slept for more than 30 minutes at a time last night. So yesterday I headed out to meet my friends downtown and walk around the Folsom Street Fair. I had been craving a Bianca omelette from Cafe Bean for over a week, so I decided to have breakfast before I met my friends. Then they called and said they wanted to go to the fair earlier. So I ate a cup of yogurt and planned on satisfying my omelette urge after the fair. I went to the fair and walked around in the hot sun, getting hungrier by the hour. Finally at 4:00 we headed out to Cafe Bean for a long overdue meal. We get all the way there, and the fucking kitchen is closed. The two friends I was with already knew I was going to start my period in the next day or so because I'm on the same schedule as my friend's wife. A volatile combination of low blood sugar, raging hormones, 3 hours in the hot sun rubbing against strange naked and hairy men, and then being denied my desire for Bianca's eggy goodness was more than I could keep a happy face on for. I sat at a table very quietly and breathed deep for about 5 minutes while my friends used the bathroom. I got up and told them I wanted to drop by their place to see what they wanted to show me, but then I needed to go home because I didn't want to take my frustration out on people who didn't deserve it. Of course I didn't have the greatest demeanor in the world while warning them, but I thought it was pretty mature to let them know that I didn't want them to suffer for my imbalances. These are friends that I've had for years. They know I can be a moody so and so and I thought it would be no big deal. We would go to their place, I'd giggle at whatever it was they wanted to see, it would put me in a better mood, and we'd go eat somewhere else. Instead, my bad vibe was absorbed by one of my friends and he sarcastically suggested that I just home now. I was infuriated. He stormed away, I stormed away, thanking them for a fun afternoon, and I stomped off.
Now I understand that he didn't want to be around me while I'm pissy, but for Christ's sake I can't be sunshine and roses all of the fucking time. And I wasn't throwing a fit, just quiet and short. It made me feel like he's happy being my friend when I'm happy, but if I'm not going to put a smile on his face then be gone with me. Of course I'm sure I'm drawing that conclusion based on the decrease in sanity that comes with the my monthly blood loss. I've known him for about 4 years now, and he's never really ever been pissy. He's a really mellow guy. Great, grand, wonderful. I wish I had a more stable body chemistry, but I don't, and I had hoped that the people who have known me for a while accepted a few set backs because for the most part, I'm a fucking joy to be around. To add to the awkwardness, him and his wife are supposed to renew their vows on my roof deck in 3 weeks. Of course I want them to continue as planned, his wife was really comforting during the tiff, and the last thing I want to do is add to her worry while planning a wedding three weeks away. I can't even begin to think about mending things until I've started to bleed, I'm entirely too emotional. Ugggghh!

P.E.T.A. Would Not Be Pleased

The most luxurious feeling fur on the planet is not mink, but beaver fur. We've just had 3 beaver fur pillows made for our billionaire client. The fur was $500.00 and the labor to create them was $450.00. When you have a chance to feel beaver fur, you'll agree that it was worth $1,000 for 3 small sofa pillows. We have a 12"x15" square of material left. I wonder if anyone would notice if it went missing. Hey Beavis, she said Beaver!

Stand Back, I'm a Professional

So I had my very first voice acting audition yesterday. I got the opp from a dear sweet ladee from my Ladees Nite group. It was great fun despite their inability to record me because of technical difficulties. But alas, the client who shall remain nameless passed on your Queen's gift of gab. boycott dole Oh well, it's an amazing thing to have the opportunity to audition at this stage in the game. And perhaps they were blowing smoke up my royal ass, but they said they were very impressed with my skill and level of professionalism for a student. Just wait until I conquer the world and can manipulate those around me with the sound of my voice! I will be the puppet master! Insert evil villain laugh here.

Quirky

So I went out on a date with the guy from Missed Connections last night. We jumped in a cab and he says "Oh, here I brought you something". He reaches in his pocket and hands me this little Coleman pocket utensil device. I thanked him and asked him if he thought this was odd and he shook his head "No, not at all". Now had this guy not been adorable and an all out gentleman, this would have been just plain weird, but it came across as endearing to me. His reasoning was that flowers are common and since I had mentioned that I was going camping two weekends in a row, this would be useful. Any guy that's original enough to give me well intended flatware on a first date, is groovy in my book. By the way the independent film "No Early Birds" is hysterical. It's a documentary following two yard sale enthusiasts in Austin, Texas. These people are INSANE!

Divulge

It's been suggested that I not tell boys that I go on dates with about my blog, so that if/when it doesn't work out, I have carte blanche to expose their irritating and moronic traits, er um, convey my experiences in a humorous, Reese-like manner. Perhaps, but I don't think I'm running out of good material yet. Am I? Insert paranoid look here.

Missed Connection

So. A couple of Saturday's ago I went to the Odeon Bar with some friends to see Daniel Packard. He's a lot of fun, very audience participation style, I just wish they had given him more stage time. Anyway, there was this cute boy sitting across the room. Did you think you were going to read a story from me that didn't involve a man? So he smiles at me, and I give him the 'Reese wink', and he smiles again. I couldn't really approach him because of the show going on, but I wrote my number on a comment card to give to him on the way out, but as we were leaving he was talking to a girl sitting at his table, and although I am comfortable approaching boys, I don't want to be rude to girls, so I left without making my move. The following Monday my friend asked me for The Weekend Boy Report and I told her that I didn't go on any dates but I mentioned the cutie at the Odeon. She suggested I place an ad on Craigslist's Missed Connections. He didn't look like the "I search missed connections in the hopes that someone saw me but was too awkward to approach me" type, and by that I mean that I usually picture PC slaves like myself, bored at work all day desperately searching for amusement from the black hole of information that is internet, and this guy did not fit that bill, but low and behold a couple of days later I got a response. We're going out on Tuesday.

You Attract What You Project

When placing a personal ad for 'a girl who's too smart for her own good', it's best to spell check your ad to show that you too are smart. 10 typos in 4 sentences. That's gotta hurt.

Perks of Working for a Gay Man

My boss just called me here at the office from his cell phone exclaiming, "Look out the front door"! "Look out the front door"! I raced around my desk and slammed myself against the iron gate, jerking my head from left to right. "What am I supposed to be looking at"? I asked, seeing nothing but 3 pigeons pecking at a napkin on the ground. Within a few seconds a perfect, shirtless physique jogged by in front of me and around the corner. While most may think I'm too boy crazy, my boss caters to my weakness.

Don't Speak

Perspective

I slept like crap last night. I kept rolling over onto my damn cat. I must have had to pee about 4 times. I have pulled something wicked fierce in my neck. I was less than enthused about coming into the office this morning.
Then my sweet Israeli boy called from the airport in NY. He can't make it to SF before he goes home, but he's going to try to come out on his first break from school in December/January. Isn't it a beautiful day?

Multi-Purpose

A Sponge Bob Squarepants plush toy also doubles as a fantastic pillow for napping at your desk.

Social Butterfly

I haven't had my official 3 month review yet, but my boss approached me today and said he'd like to include in my job description, Public Relations and social status for the company. I'm sorry, did you say you're going to pay me to dress up, schmooz and run my mouth? I must be dreaming. Maybe he could give me a clothing allowance!

Happy Friday the 13th!

You Get What You Give

So Wednesday being September 11th was a sensitive day for everyone, and to add to the somber mood, my boss released a fit of rage on the office at 9:00 in the morning so horrific that my fun co-worker and I walked out for a few hours. Pretty unnerving when you're faced with such violence at work. It was just another point of motivation for me to go dance my cares away at Minna after work. I sent out the A.P.B. email and by 6pm I surrendered my credit card to the bartender and invited my friends to indulge at my expense. Did they need to know it was all the money I had until next payday? Hell no! This was a celebration of survival. From terrorists, from your employer, from anything difficult the universe presents to you. I get high from getting friends liquored up and sweaty on the dance floor. I'm a simple woman. So I went to Minna yesterday to retrieve my credit card, bracing myself to see the dent in my account, and instead I was presented with a gift. Seems their register malfunctioned and couldn't even begin to tally the number of drinks added to my tab. They charged me $10.00 and told me to tip big next week. I got choked up on my way home. If you ever hear me bitch about anything not going my way EVER again, slap me a good one.

Lightweight

Three beers and I managed to leave my credit card for my tab at the bar. I am cut OFF!

Think Pink

Princess Bachelorette Party
Every woman is a five year-old inside.

Gigglebox

Sunday morning I went down the coast to Half Moon Bay with my fun co-worker and we worked on an art project. We draped fabric along the rocks on the beach and he then incorporated the pictures into paintings. (Link to pix to follow) We saw 4 things that made us laugh like five year-olds. The first was while waiting in traffic, we saw a boy float above a privacy fence across the street. He was jumping on a trampoline and it was a riot seeing his little head pop over the fence, boing, boing, boing. Later on we were eating lunch at on the outside deck of this cute little restaurant, next to a garden that lead down to the bay, and we heard the sound of water running. I stand up and see what looks like a man taking a leak in the bushes. When leaned in to get a better look (oh you would too) he was actually watering the lawn with a garden hose. Couldn't have been staged better. Next we noticed the woman sitting behind us was most comfortable in purple. Purple hair band, purple eye glasses, purple sweater, purple back pack, and purple leather sneakers. I'm guessing she also has an affinity with Barney. And the most appalling thing that had us falling out of our chair, was a woman who was dining inside the restaurant, who decided that she need to floss right after her meal. At the table. With one of those flossing picks. In plain view of other people still eating. Some days everything just hits your funny bone.

Pity Party

Sitting around chatting with two guys friends last night, we discovered that we all happen to be sexually frustrated at the moment. We were flipping through channels on the tube and we stopped on ESPN. It was the National Jump Rope Championships. We were immediately grateful for what sex we've had, because we knew, these kids would never get any. Better to have fucked and lost, that never to have fucked at all.

It's the Thought That Counts

Presented to me in a cute little bundle as if a gift set. A cock ring, a moist towelette and a packet of sugar. They came from my fun co-workers desk.

"Do I Smell A Whore"?
-Jaime Foxx as Bunz in Booty Call

My fun co-worker and I have to go meet a client today and I look worse than Michael Jackson with bed head. I said "Well at least I took a shower so I won't smell like booze". He replied "No, just Israeli sweat".

Tender Vittles

A poppyseed bagel with strawberry cream cheese and smoked white fish salad on top. Maybe I'm just overhung but is like an orgy in my mouth! Almost as good as mayonnaise on corn-on-the-cob. I fucking ROCK this morning!

Liquor? I Didn't Even Know Her!

Super potent Lavender Martini at the Clift Hotel? Check.

Super potent Mint Martini at the Clift Hotel? Check.

Potent Apple Martini at Cloud 9? Check.

Double Apple Martini at Cloud 9? Double Check.

2 breathtakingly beautiful boys just out of the Israeli army who are only in SF until 7am? Check and cheh-eh-eh-ck! Yeah, use your imagination. Okay Wilder. WILDER!

Needless to say I got my Mojo back. It's a joke with my girlfriends that this skirt I have holds the key to my prowess. I haven't worn it since like January or February because I tore the hem, but a friend mended it, and at long last, the power is back. So you see it's the skirt's fault. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Two Of Us

The universe said "Oh, you just wanted to pop into the deli across the street for a quick afternoon mocha type drink thing"? "Yeah, I think I'd like you to run into a fuck buddy from two years ago while you're at it. Have a nice day".

Swept Away

Finally a Magickal Tool that caters to us Modern Witches. The customer comments at the bottom say it all.

Labor Day Weekend Movie Report

Singles - Cute but a little slow for me. Worth watching but I think everyone already has.

Gun Shy - Super cute. Nice offbeat humor.

Bullets Over Broadway - Very cute. Great cast. I think everyone has seen this one too.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding - Adorable, and not just because my future husband John Corbett is in it. It's probably on it's way out of the theatres so catch it fast. And take someone Greek with you.

The Sweetest Thing - Ohmagawd. The funniest chick flick I have EVER seen. Girl humor and slapstick antics. My abs hurt. I have already bought it.

National Lampoon's Van Wilder - A tad too much gross humor for me and Tara Reid's acting is painful, but certainly worth watching for cute one liners and 92 minutes of Ryan Reynolds!

"Another One Bites The Dust"
-Queen

Went to my second bachelorette party this month on Friday. Yeah, it happens to the best of us. It was really girly and really great. We started out at the Beauty Bar where the beautiful bartender bestowed us with brain bending beverages. This gathering was a princess theme so we all donned pink attire and tiaras. I was sporting a child's Barbie nightgown over a pair of jeans. The hostess supplied frog prince bubbles and chocolates for the rest of us hopefuls. After our fruity princess like drinks and manicures we headed over to Yerba Buena Bowl to stick our gooey phalanges in public bowling balls. We rocked the night away teaching Bostonians how to play 'big bowling' and gettin' freaky with Sponge Bob Square Pants. Hopefully pix to follow.

Phicus: You're more than just a tree!

Saturday morning at 9am and I think that -no- I know that I am still intoxicated. It's on the nights that you plan to keep it low key, that you party like it's 1999. Friday I went to a bachelorette party and I didn't drink much, not even a buzz, but I was out late so my intention last night was to check out the band and be home by midnight. What was I thinking with my friends Saucy and my Vegas fling/her new interest The Rockstar in the mix.

Reese's Top Ten from Saturday Night

10. The Voodoo Lounge has the largest selection of beautiful nostrils in the city. Unfortunately they all have girlfriends.

9. My body has more Sharpie marker on it than a bathroom wall.

8. After finding your friend's boob marked 'the left one' only moderately funny, a man can be persuaded to buy her and her friend a drink.

7. When your friend tells someone that he looks like Tom Petty and Tom doesn't like it, he'll say that your friend looks like Yanni.

6. Clogging in the bathroom with your friend can be more fun than hanging out in the actual bar.

5. Four pints of Stella Artois in 90 minutes on an empty stomach may impare your vision and coordination.

4. If you sign your friend's bare ass on the corner of Mission and 25th at 2am, chances are someone may see.

3. Constantly introducing yourself to the same people makes you appear drunk.

2. Creating the new new inside joke 'puke boobs' with Saucy.

1. The Rockstar pointing to Saucy and myself proclaiming to everyone "Yeah, I've fucked both of 'em"!

Black suede Esprit clogs: $50.00
Pink silk dragon embossed halter: $70.00
Sharpie Marker: $1.99
Being comfortable going out with your friend and a man you've both slept with: PRICELESS

Indian Giver

If a boyfriend ever loans you money, and says "This is a gift, don't worry about paying it back", insist that you will and be sure to pay it back right away so they don't ask for it 6 months after you break up.

Swoon

"She's the best. A thoroughbred. She got brains, in her head"
from 'Win, place or show' by the Intruders
Damn it, when will someone write a song like this about me?

2nd Year of Fog City Living

So a few weeks after the Hungarian and Big Head, I met my Irish friend's brother, the Irish Lad. Oh the epic tale of this man. On our first date, I stayed the night with him. It was late on a Saturday, and we couldn't get a cab and his neighbor had blocked him in the garage. He offered to sleep on the couch, but I was comfortable with him, so we bunked together. We didn't kiss. I slept like a rock which I never do by myself let alone with a new boy, so I knew something was different. We woke up the next morning ate breakfast in bed. We fell back asleep. We woke up and gabbed, played with the dog, and fell BACK asleep. It was comfortable from the start.
A few weeks later was the Mission Armory party. My Irish friend who worked for the commercial real estate firm I worked for, was the agent who was handling the sale of this controversial building. The owner; the Hungarian, who I hadn't dated in over a month. So the party's in full swing with Willie Brown, protesters, camera crews and yours truly as the greeter at the front door. There was a documentary made about it called Boom and I have about 3 seconds of screen time. So the Hungarian proceeds to get hammered and hides my purse so that when I'm ready to leave I can't. I rally a couple of friend's and we search his studio until I find it wedged between his bed and the wall. He begs me to come back later and stay with him and I sternly protest. I went home, went to bed, and at around 2:30 in the morning my roommate comes in and says that he's been ringing the door buzzer for a while now. And then I hear him yelling my name outside and telling me he can't live without me yadda, yadda, yadda. Finally my roomie picked up the phone and told him I wasn't there, she was sleeping, please go away. The next morning there were 26 messages on my machine, his drunken blabber about my being off with someone else, he's ready for me now.... Drama King!
I continued to hang out with the Irish Lad. As we spent more time together, I continued to date other guys, and he commented on how cool it was that I wasn't looking for anything serious because neither was he, we were in the same place. I asked if he was dating anyone else and he said that he had a little crush on a friend of his, but they hadn't kissed or anything so he didn't know what was going to happen. So when I met him, this friend had just left for about 3 months, so for three months we were inseparable. I've never felt anything so right in my all my life. We were close, comfortable, silly, adventurous, perfect together. In August I went to Burning Man, and the week I was gone was the week his friend was supposed to be coming back. I knew what he had said about her before, but I was confident that the last few months with me would lay to rest any rush he had on her.
My first Burning Man. I am a force of nature I swear because it's hotter than hell on the playa but the year I go, we have record lows and rain! I had started my period the day we got there so I was crabby, and my camp was a bunch of druggy freaks that I didn't know so well. The last day was warm and sunny and it actually made up for the first 3 days of agony. I visited the Tom Jones camp which was constructed of panties, I played at the trampoline camp, I watched a girl running around the playa with a vacuum trying to 'get this place cleaned up', all the while walking around in nothing but a tiara and a sash that read Miss Chievious. I would randomly hug people and ask them if they could belive that I had won! I ran into the Hungarian and his girlfriend, who politely invited me to come hang out at their camp. Poor girl.
Upon my return to SF I was faced with the Irish Lad's indecision. He said that he hadn't thought about his friend the whole time we were together, but now that she was back he felt torn. I gave him space (if you love someone..) and we hung out a few more times, him expressing how much he like me and how understanding I was, but eventually he said he wouldn't make a decision to choose one or the other so he was going to stop hanging out with both of us.
In October I held my 1st Annual Family Feast. A nice dinner with people who mean a great deal to me. Not acquaintances, but true friends that I consider my community, my family. There were 14 of us at the BitterRoot and it was beautiful. It was so nice to know people that I respected, that would do anything for me, that I would do anything for. This was a big change from the party crowd I ran with in Virginia.
Next was my 2nd Castro Halloween. Holy bajeezus was it fun. This year it peaked at 500,000 characters. I decided that no matter where I live, I want to spend my Pagan New Year in SF every year! I had a fetish Alice in Wonderland costume made by stitchbitch, a girl I found on craigslist who is now a super good friend. The costume made the portfolio section of her website, she is a magnificently talented designer. She introduced me to her Wednesday night Ladees Nite group, a wonderful gathering of positive, proactive women. They have become a huge support system for me!
In December I went to the Irish Lad's sister's holiday party and he was unexpectedly there. He was glued to me the whole evening. He snuck into the bathroom while I was in there and we broke down about how much we missed each other. He said he was mixed up but he asked if I'd give him a year to sort things out. Then he said it was unfair to ask that of me (damn straight) but I clung to that glimmer of hope that when he was ready for a relationship, he would want it to be me. Later in the month I went to Santa Cruz and spent the Winter Solstice with my friend Saucy. We went to a beautiful beach and dug little holes to drop tea lites in, she called the installation Bringing In The Light. We must have lit a thousand lites with fewer people than expected and drizzle. In the end it formed a beautiful dancing angel shape, and one girl fire danced on the shoreline. We shared a picnic and explored a near by cave, it was such a moving experience.

It's Just Rude Man

How hard is it to turn around and look at someone when they're talking to you? Acknowledge that you heard me and that you understand what I said. Show some respect, Jesus!

Hip Hop Hooray
-Naughty by Nature

So I went out with the 32 year-old Puerto Rican surgeon last night. We went out to Wasabi and Ginger for sushi. It's been about 4 months since I've been and they've taken to filling their decorative fish tank with actual fish which makes it difficult for me to enjoy their raw little carcasses on rice. Anyway the surgeon is a gentleman, he likes hip hop, he loves the word 'bastards', and he doesn't like banana flavor. We're supposed to go out again next week.

While I'm on the dating front, I emailed the geologist and told him that although he is handsome, physically hot, smart, and funny, I couldn't deny that that special spark wasn't there. Turns out he feels the same way! Isn't it strange that one can be so appealing, yet not appealing enough? We've agreed to hang out as friends and I really hope we do.

p.s. to "I Kissed a Girl"

In my female french kissing frenzy, I forgot to include the hilarities of Ozzy's show. I've seen him a few times before and he likes to superimpose himself in recent movies, videos and commercials up on a big screen. The first time I saw him he put himself in "Titanic" and it was him who Leo was sketching naked and Ozzy says "Hurry up, I'm gonna' catch a death of cold". He showed a Fiona Apple video and told her to get something to eat for Christ's sake. Last night they started out with him as one of the Moulin Rouge girls, corset and all. Then he became Cleo the Jamaican psychic. When a caller asked him if her boyfriend was cheating on her, Ozzy replied "Of course he is honey", and the caller asked "It's that blonde from work isn't it"? and Ozzy added "No honey, it's the boy next door"! Next they had him dressed up as Samantha from Sex and the City where during a conversation about giving head, Ozzy is practicing on a banana. He's a riot AND he rocks!

Just Lame

I went on a brief date with a 29 year-old unemployed electric engineer (says he plays with lasers) Friday after work. The deal breaker-when talking about kids and how after people have them that's all they talk about, he says, and I quote, "Yeah I saw this woman reading Parenting Magazine and I just wanted say 'I think it's pathetic that you're trying to fill that void in your life, there's so much else you could be doing'". YIKES! I wouldn't want my babies calling him Daddy. Thankfully Eugene is steadfast in his pursuit to father my little crumb snatchers.

"I Kissed a Girl"
-Jill Sobule

I've said it once and I will say it again, I am a creature of extremes and yesterday was prime. If my day yesterday were a movie it would have started out Disney and ended soft porn. If it were an album, it would have started Raffi's 'Singable Songs' and ended Lords of Acid's 'Lust'.
I got up early and finished a few batches of baby soap party favors (9lbs of glycerin I re-molded into cute parting gifts, yeah I'm crafty) and ventured out to Pacifica for a fantastic day of silly games, even sillier prizes including a vegetable votive and a bank in the form of a baby bent over and the coins go 'you know where'. I wrestled with kids, ogled over wee babies, ate super sweet shower cake, and had a great time sharing a wonderful afternoon with my friends. I knew I was going to Ozzfest after the G rated festivities, but I was convinced it would be low key. It was Sunday and I have to work the next day, I'm not a headbanger as I used to be, I haven't moshed in years, totally had it in my head I would enjoy the show for sure, but in an adult fashion, not an adult film fashion!
So my savant friend picks me up, getting lost on the way as he ALWAYS does, and we head South for Mountainview. We're gabbing and jumping up and down at the prospect of going backstage when I realize we're in San Jose already. Now I'm great with directions, I was just at Shoreline last week, I know how to get there. He managed to get us lost even with my navigating, he's contagious. I urged him to find out how to get back on track because although he didn't know it yet, Tommy Lee was waiting for me. We get down there, pick up our complimentary tickets and VIP passes at will call (THANK YOU ARTICLE344) and found our primo seats in time to catch System of a Down. It's been a really long time since I've been surrounded by bikers and goth folk. There was this 10 year-old in from of us who got so high his eyes weren't even open and he actually started drooling. He remained standing, and continued to take a hit every time the pipe was passed, but jeesh, how much fun is that? There were 5 cute frat boys to my left, and a VIP box of bikers behind us. After a brief stage change, the Prince of Darkness himself took the stage. One of the bikers occasionally grabbed our shoulders in excitement, and one of the biker chicks insisted on taking our earplugs out. The other biker chic was hot! Big blue eyes, black curly hair, and perfect white teeth. She was super clean, and I feel the need to include that when referring to a biker chick because stereotypes are for a reason. She had on a little black tank and blue jeans with this cute Harley belt buckle with orange rhinestones. So I'm dancing with my friend and one of the frat boys when "I don't want to change the world" comes on, one of my fav Ozzy tracks. I jumped up on the arm rests of my seat and danced like a lunatic. The hot chick grabbed my hips and shook along with me. Understandable, my ass was in her face. Then she starts running her hands around to my stomach, okay that's saucy, no problem. Next I felt her fingers trying to grab my boobs! That was a bit much for me. So I spent most of Ozzy's wiggling on the arm rests, a hot chick groping my ass with her husband behind her enjoying 'the show', and an eager little frat boy in front of me holding my knee so as to be a part of the action without being too forward. As the bikers were leaving the chick leans in for a little kiss (you know how girls are after meeting and getting along, and groping each other) and then she plants one on me. I couldn't resist, she was a doll baby. Women's mouths are smaller and softer, it was very nice actually. I'm not ready to jump the fence, or even stand on it, but it's nice to peek through the slats every now and again.
No one cool hangs out backstage, so no celebrity sitings to report. I woke up this morning with a ringing in my ears, a stiff neck, sore legs, a barf soaked shirt balled on the floor (note: not my vomit) and a big ol' smile on my face!

My favorite thing today: I kissed a girl!

Yeah this is me experimenting with uploading photos. I tinker with the html in my template and I've gotten good, but I guess I stink at image tinkering.

Unacceptable

Why would a man wear black socks with shorts and sneakers? Why?

Oh Joy

So the designer/architect mixer I was supposed to go tonight has been postponed. Do you have any idea what this means? I get to stay home tonight! No dates. No concerts. No parties. Just me, a dvd from Netflix and a pint of Hagen Daaz. Amen!

*Sigh*

I miss sleeping next to a man.

My favorite thing today: Dancing at 111 Minna with paper toilet seat covers on my head; sober.

Love The Shnaaz

So I just found out Tommy Lee has been added to Ozzfest. If I can find a ride I'm totally going after my friend's baby shower. Ohmagod if I get to see Tommy Lee's nostrils in real life, look out! Yes, my favorite part of the human anatomy - the nose. I'm a freak and I know it. I like the way a nose shows character. I love the way nostrils flare when someone is laughing or angry or in bed. Jon Stewart, Pauly Shore, Rupert Everett, Johnathon Schaech, that's what I'm talking about! So the 10 year-old in me has already played the scenario in my head. I'll bump into him backstage. He'll drop Mayte like a bad habit and woo me. I'll decline because of his reckless lifestyle. He'll give it all up for my love and woo me some more. I'll accept. I'll move to L.A. and bear him nostril beautiful children. I'll spend my days on the beach with Tommy, Brandon and Dylan (because he'll have joint custody), and spend my evenings hanging in the pleasure swing in his sex room. Have I revealed too much?

Quandary of the Day

Where else would a cock ring fit on a dog's body besides the intended appendage? The world may never know. But one might think twice about bringing one's dog into work when one's office is full of gay men.

Real Classy Like

I went to a wedding in Sacramento on Saturday and it was like a fairy tale. Never have I been to a wedding where it was evident that the planners got exactly what they wanted. I've been to many 'happiest days', but I could always tell where compromises were made. Cheaper food, not agreed upon location, audio difficulties, horrific bridesmaid dresses, spans of time with guest asking each other what's next etc. Saturday night's celebration went off without a hitch. And if there were any, they were concealed flawlessly. The bride, a good friend and one of the ladees from Ladees Night, is the epitome of the perfect bride. In a Vera Wang gown, standing under the chuppa that the groom made himself, she looked like an angel. The meal was so delicious, I helped myself to two HEAPING plates of savory sun-dried tomato pasta, salmon with mango salsa and sweet green salad. The ceremony took place in bride's parents backyard and it was landscaped to perfection complete with it's very own bocce ball court. Hanging lanterns set the romantic mood, and the brides maids wore classy valentine red gowns which added to the ambiance of love. The toasts were plentiful and heartfelt, and the music was "Groove is in the Heart" "Bust a Move" "Oh Mickey You're So Fine" danceable.
I don't see an event this grand in my future. My friends will get a drunken phone call from Vegas announcing I'm the new Mrs.? I know because it's already happened once. (I still having fleeting thoughts of doubt as to whether or not should get a divorce lawyer) Even though I'll never take the time to plan as my fortunate friend did, it was an honor to be a part of such a hallmark event.

My favorite thing today: Snickering at a wedding guest who failed to remove the price sticker from the heel of her black dress shoe.

Mmmmmmm

I looked out my office window and saw an immensely overweight man in a suit sneeze into his hands and then lick them clean.

Face Value

Friday night I was given the gift of 4 hours alone in a hotel room in Sacramento while my friend attended a rehearsal dinner for a wedding the next day. Now none of you probably have any idea my fascination with hotel rooms but I just love unpacking and putting all of clothes and beauty products away as if it's my fresh new place to live. The idea of throwing towels on the floor and having them regenerate into cleans ones hung on the towel bar when I return is so gratifying. I don't feel I need to be productive or social when I'm staying in a hotel, it's my private time-out.
After jumping on the bed and leaping from one bed to another, I was going through the freebie toiletries in the bathroom and along with the 'made just for the Radisson' lotion, shower cap, and oatmeal face soap I discovered this incredibly soft wash cloth with a band of paper around it that read Asiria Body Care. I rubbed the delicate fabric against my cheek. This was nice! Being the extraordinarily thoughtful person I am, and knowing what a toiletry freak my friend is, I knew my she'd love to indulge in a super soft face cloth so I decided to call housekeeping and have them bring one of these little treasures to the room. I dialed zero and asked for another Asiria body care face cloth, not one of the regular white ones hanging on the towel bar, but one of the baby smooth ivory ones that was placed in the vanity area so it's not to consort with the generic starchy white face cloths. A few moments later an elderly man appeared at the door holding a generic white face cloth and hand towel. "We didn't know which one you needed so we brought both" he said generously. "Actually I was hoping to get one of the ivory ones that I found on the vanity, the Asiria body care cloths, they're much gentler", I replied longingly. The man's brow wrinkled and he looked at me as if I was from Mars. "Are you talking about the the shoe shine mitt"? Why in the world was it labeled body care I thought to myself. In a micro-second I answered "Oh my gosh, my friend thought that was a face cloth and asked me to get more". We shared a chuckle and he assured me he could get me another. I was laughing so hard when I tried telling the story to my friend when she returned that night, I sounded like I was having an asthma attack.

Ready to Take On The Day

What does it say about your disposition when Rage Against the Machine at 6:30am puts you in a good mood?

"I'm With the DJ"

Intention
111 Minna for a couple of hours of dancing with friends.

Reality
Scrambed like a mad woman to find transportation to the Area 2 show, eventually borrowed a friend's car that 'gets a little shaky' if you go faster than 65mph, purchased a ticket for a discount from a seedy character in the parking lot, was denied access at the gate twice for trying to smuggle in my camera, eventually made it in, found my friends, pulled the ol' hand-behind-the-back with the VIP pass, and hung out backstage with DJ Tiesto and music producers. I hung out in Digweed's trailer. Ate one of his bananas. My friends polished off his last beer. Sorry John, at least we didn't dig in to your chips and salsa that were labeled as if your Mom had made your lunch! I didn't want to be 'that girl' so I didn't get any autographs, but I will always have the memory of raiding Digweed's trailer for fruit and booze. I saw David Bowie and Moby perform on the main stage and can I just tell you how much Bowie makes me melt! I'll be his China Girl and give him some Modern Love! Damn!

My favorite thing today: Finding pictures of Emanuel Lewis randomly taped all around the office.

Word For Today

GENUFLECT
Look it up, learn it, and do it it my presence.

My favorite thing today: Finding pictures of Emmanuel Lewis randomly taped all over the office.

2nd Year of Fog CIty Living

Got a request from a reader to finish what I started back in June. Maybe I'll have time in the next couple of weeks. HA!

Das Zeitgeist

I checked out the Zeitgeist International Film Festival last night. 16 short films, the aroma of weed and a chill in the air. Some I felt indifferent about. Perhaps they were technologically special and me being film-making ignorant would never know to appreciate it, but the content bored me.
One moved me in a sad way. It was called "Blink". Depicts this woman gets up late for work, bolts out of the house, waves to a little girl up in a window of the house across the street, speeds off, has a tough day at work, sits through traffic to get home, only to find out on the evening news that the little girl had been kidnapped from her home 5 days before, was being held in the house across the street, and had been murdered that day. Yikes. So now to the funny ones.
"Fast Forward II" Trouble in Legoland - This was great not only creatively but for nostalga sake as well. It brought to life the scenarios we played out as kids with our Legos. High speed chases, helicopter rescue, burning buildings (made with orange and yellow wrinkly paper, a waterfall scene (made with cling wrap), and all the 'zoom' 'bang' 'pow' sound effects you can imagine.
"Is It Time To Swap"? Two couples have known each other for a long time..... - My review would do no justice, just click the link and watch it!
"In the Red" A different kind of household tip - Uh, how do I begin. There is a woman in a flowing white dress walking along the shore, and as the camera pans out we see a huge red stain on the back of her dress. It goes into how women can make the most of their time of the month. Suggestions: making your own crafty pad with patterned material, squatting over a flower bed for fertilization, and making a fisherman's day by giving him your used tampons!
There was a movie that was in 3-D, but when we had the glasses on, all I saw was pink and blue flashes. I probably should have been more uncomfortable with the menstrual bit since I was on date #2 with the Geologist formerly known as the guy who bought my mattress cover ,but we both laughed hysterically. Support your local artitsts at bike messanger bars!

Appo Loopy Doopy Mumbo

Coherence my strong point today is not. I don't know why, I wasn't running around like a mad woman this weekend.
So Friday night I went to a friend's surprise birthday party at Cafe DuNord. It was great fun, a lot of the Ladees Nite crowd, cheesecake that was flown in from N.Y. by the birthday girl's step-dad, 2 beers, pool with nice boys, and home by midnight.
Saturday I frolicked around Baker Beach in the nude with some friends. The surf was really strong but I managed to play in the waves for about 20 minutes, successfully emerging looking like a drown rat. The water's not so cold if you keep your hands out of the water.
Saturday night was the bachelorette party. I knew I was having fun when it was happening, but it always sinks in a little deeper the next morning when you find residual indications of your debauchery from the night before.
Sunday I was getting into the shower when I caught my reflection and noticed my strategically placed super-hero temporary tattoos. I giggled at how much fun it was showing off Spidy in his 'secret lair'. I planted myself on my sofa, because that was as active as my dish rag body could get, and my purse from the night before was laying there open. It's contents:one purple party noise maker, one tube of lipstick, a handful of bobby pins, damp business cards, (I had shoved them in my bra while dancing because I had no pockets and my purse was across the room) an orange flavored tootsie roll pop, a book of matches, a pink drink umbrella, a late night Muni transfer, and a green water gun. There's a blonde Lita Ford/Samantha Fox style wig hanging from the foot of my bed, and a trail of rejected outfits from the last 2 days that spans from the living room all the way down the hall to the bathroom.
We started the ceremonies with cocktails and nibbles at the Maid of Honor's flat in the Castro. 15 beautiful ladees throwing back Cosmos, Pina Coladas, and Mint Julep style cocktails, adorning each other with stick-on tattoos, and loading up our bags with our mayhem making provisions. Heading out, the woman of the hour was given a stack of mischievous To Do cards, and was instructed that they all needed to be executed by the end of the night. It's surprising how compliant men on the street are when given the opportunity to help out 15 loud and tipsy females. We hadn't even walked a block when the first man we approached invited us up to a house party. We politely waited on the sidewalk and one by one men from the gathering came outside to aid our Bride-to-Be in eliminating several cards. A few noteworthy included 1) each toenail painted by a different man 2) a pair of men's underwear, this hot little ticket managed to make it's way back into the deck at least three times 3) find a man with big feet and ask him if it's true what they say, a paramedic in the Marina confirmed the theory and 4) collect doodles of a penis, a gay boy in the Castro took first place on that one!
My personal favorite highlights were watching a couple of the ladees getting into bars with other ladee's passports, the ladees singing their hearts out to Jesse's Girl and Shook Me All Night Long at the Bar None, men asking if the wig I had on was a wig and me looking insulted replying "no", using the men's loo at Blue Light, drinking a man's entire freshly poured beer when he asked me to hold it while he helped our veiled one perform a task, and talking the door guy into a Bachelorette Party discount at 1015 Folsom.

My favorite thing today: Girls Rule!

Identity Crisis

Ironic isn't it, that when I introduce myself, people most mistake my name as being Lisa, which is actually my birth name. Perhaps I should just screw with everyone's head and revert, however Queen Lisa Renee just doesn't make the same statement. Sometimes they mistake my name for Grease/Greece to which I ask "As in the cooking oil or the country"?

No Spring Chicken

I am ardently realizing that the older one gets, the longer it takes for one to recoup from staying up past their bedtime.

"Some Like it Hot"

BRING-IT-ON, I say! Call me crazy, but I'm a creature of extremes. I love it snowing, I love it blistering. As long as I can battle getting testy from the heat, like yesterday when you'd have sworn I was born in July because I was so crabby, I will continue to run around bare shouldered and bare footed feeling sassy.
People keep stating the obvious and it drives me to want to shove ice cubes down their pants and scream "I KNOW"!

"Shake Rattle and Roll"

Question of the day: What would your sibling say if he/she was staying with you and found your vibrator in the shower?
Email replies and I'll post 'em.

Looking for Some Hot Stuff....

The Queen demands that you click on this link and rate what you have read.

Your Cheating Heart Pt.2

So the guy emailed today and wrote 'I'm so bummed you didn't email me yesterday'. My reply: 'As I'm sure your spouse would be bummed to know that you're emailing women all day. Perhaps I'm confused of the dynamic here. Are you gay or straight? Do you think I'm a boy or a girl? I live my life by karma, and there's no way when I'm married I'll want my husband emailing some chickie online'. He replied and wrote 'I'm with you. Have a wonderful life'. He still sucks!

For the Record

I could not be anymore unmotivated today. Luckily I have a picture of my new boyfriend on my desk to keep me company. Eugene. Isn't he a hottie? Back off hussies!