September 30, 2002

Hot Headed

I couldn't feel any lower. I got into a tiff with a good friend yesterday and we haven't talked about it so I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think I slept for more than 30 minutes at a time last night. So yesterday I headed out to meet my friends downtown and walk around the Folsom Street Fair. I had been craving a Bianca omelette from Cafe Bean for over a week, so I decided to have breakfast before I met my friends. Then they called and said they wanted to go to the fair earlier. So I ate a cup of yogurt and planned on satisfying my omelette urge after the fair. I went to the fair and walked around in the hot sun, getting hungrier by the hour. Finally at 4:00 we headed out to Cafe Bean for a long overdue meal. We get all the way there, and the fucking kitchen is closed. The two friends I was with already knew I was going to start my period in the next day or so because I'm on the same schedule as my friend's wife. A volatile combination of low blood sugar, raging hormones, 3 hours in the hot sun rubbing against strange naked and hairy men, and then being denied my desire for Bianca's eggy goodness was more than I could keep a happy face on for. I sat at a table very quietly and breathed deep for about 5 minutes while my friends used the bathroom. I got up and told them I wanted to drop by their place to see what they wanted to show me, but then I needed to go home because I didn't want to take my frustration out on people who didn't deserve it. Of course I didn't have the greatest demeanor in the world while warning them, but I thought it was pretty mature to let them know that I didn't want them to suffer for my imbalances. These are friends that I've had for years. They know I can be a moody so and so and I thought it would be no big deal. We would go to their place, I'd giggle at whatever it was they wanted to see, it would put me in a better mood, and we'd go eat somewhere else. Instead, my bad vibe was absorbed by one of my friends and he sarcastically suggested that I just home now. I was infuriated. He stormed away, I stormed away, thanking them for a fun afternoon, and I stomped off.
Now I understand that he didn't want to be around me while I'm pissy, but for Christ's sake I can't be sunshine and roses all of the fucking time. And I wasn't throwing a fit, just quiet and short. It made me feel like he's happy being my friend when I'm happy, but if I'm not going to put a smile on his face then be gone with me. Of course I'm sure I'm drawing that conclusion based on the decrease in sanity that comes with the my monthly blood loss. I've known him for about 4 years now, and he's never really ever been pissy. He's a really mellow guy. Great, grand, wonderful. I wish I had a more stable body chemistry, but I don't, and I had hoped that the people who have known me for a while accepted a few set backs because for the most part, I'm a fucking joy to be around. To add to the awkwardness, him and his wife are supposed to renew their vows on my roof deck in 3 weeks. Of course I want them to continue as planned, his wife was really comforting during the tiff, and the last thing I want to do is add to her worry while planning a wedding three weeks away. I can't even begin to think about mending things until I've started to bleed, I'm entirely too emotional. Ugggghh!

No comments: