it'll blow your mind, dude!

You must rent Life in the Undergrowth straight away. Who knew watching slugs doin' it could be so captivating?!

Notes from the raod

I wrote this last week when my flight was delayed 7 hours in Phili due to fog.

I'm in airport hell
awake 25 hours
safety first I guess

Exhaustion sets in
filling out holiday cards
trying to stay zen

the humanity
scarier by the minute
going home is jinxed

oh airport musak
holiday tunes like torture
suicidal now

Why god, why????????

We no longer have gmail at the office. That pretty much means I have to quit.

It should be no suprise by the look on his face, that when we asked him where we should sit he patted his knee!

Toot Toot

Yesterday a friend of mine who I work with came down and asked me for my advice on re-printing and framing small prints of artwork. I asked her what she wanted to frame and she said, "These"! She was holding the calendar of my paintings that I gave out last year as holiday gifts; she had no idea that I had created the artwork. It was a great moment of statisfaction!!

Reality is setting in

I walked to the Ferry Building for lunch and as I looked around at all of the seasonal decorations, I realized that this is my last holiday season in the Bay Area for a while. This is my NINTH Yule here and I've celebrated in a myriad of ways from being knee-deep in children's toys (even though there were no children present) to playing pool at the Shotwell with a drunk Mexican man who cried on my shoulder about never really experiencing a childhood for himself because he had his first kid at 14. So this time next year I will be strolling the streets of Rome or Florence, freezing my ASS off, BUT-freezing my ass off in a beautiful new country, learning a new language, and putting my adaptability skills to the test. I'm excited, anxious and terrified, and I can't wait!

I think you misunderstand

So I have a new Italian-speaking friend who's going to help me with my conversation skills. Last week I learned we have a mutual friend whose father is the director for an art school in Florence. I asked my friend if he had the guy's email address because I wanted to talk to his father about financial aid and student visas. My new friend completely got me wrong and thought that I was going to ask this guy to help me pay for college!

I'm Jesus' age!

A couple of weeks ago I turned 33. I wasn't very happy about it. I kept it super low-key and had a pajama party with a few close gal pals. And I'm so grateful because I had a fantastic time. Plus I thought I was going to go my whole birthday without a cake, but my sweet friends rallied and presented me with a beautiful and tasty confection. We played a toss-n-catch game with the youngest guest, applied fake tattoos for the elderly (my favorite was a picture of an adult diaper with the caption 'Out of Control'), and drank beautiful red wine. Thank you lovely ladies for ushering in another year with love and laughter. Take a peek at pics here.

Sometimes I have the uncontrollable urge to throw something at the back of someone's head. Although technically I guess it controllable since I haven't given in yet. I wouldn't get satisfaction from hurting them, just surprising them a little. Yet I never picture smyself throwing a pillow, most of the time it's fruit. And if I'm not fantasizing about prjecting something in their direction, if they're close enough, I have visions of plucking them real hard. But always on the back of the head.

THIS is who I'd like to see as James Bond!

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggg!

So I've been really excited for the last two weeks, doing loads of research to go to Italy next year, but I learned this weekend that I can't get a student visa for going over and studying Italian; they require full-time, degree seeking status. This means much more money in tuition. So I looked at my genealogy paperwork again and I have at least three major setbacks there. I qualify for sure, but there are a few discrepancies on the documentation I have and it would take court orders and wads of cash to amend. So this week I will begin researching more education options including grants and loans, and I will start writing letters to the powers that be regarding dual citizenship. I'll take on the whole country if I have to!

A few weeks ago I went to Mendocino for a little solitude and to set goals for the coming year. After a massage, some decadent room service and a walk through an interesting cemetery I've decided to focus on the following:

-Use more kind words (less catty comments)
-Be compassionate of people's actions and decisions (less judgmental)
-Work every day towards pursuing voice-over
-Dedicate more time to writing my novel
-Live for a period of time in another country
-Purge my apartment of all unnecessary items

Thank you so much for all of your support and suggestions already so far! Check out pix of the coast.

I'm browsing this great site that's basically a directory of people who will host people for free for a few nights when they're visiting from other countries. Here's a great listing posted by a man in Rome:

53 years old.University researcher. Scientific network in environmental-social issues, biodiversity, wildlife photographer. English, Spanish. I live alone. I can host 1/2 person.

Goodness, which half will I ever choose???

Last Sunday I was at home painfully hungover from a wedding the night before, but I mustered the energy to do the dishes and make a few phone calls. I called my neighbor who lives a few doors down but we had a bad connection so he asked me to pop over. I shuffled down the hall and when he opened the door he looked at my head, then smiled, then looked at my head again. I felt a weight on the top of my head and thinking it was my sunglasses I reached up to remove them but it was actually my cleaning tiara. Mmmmmm hmmmmmm. Slowly but surely; I told you it would happen.

It's In the Stars

From the SF Guardian's hororscope this week: Sag, you look frustrated to the point of wanting to give up. Though it’s admirable to set up a lemonade stand when the cosmos dumps a bunch of lemons on you, sometimes a person’s got to cry, because they didn’t get the fruit they were hoping for. It’s OK to have a cry before setting up shop.

Today a co-worker found this little bit to add to it: If life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade...and then try to find someone whose life has handed them vodka.

And this is so true for me. I am always trying to find the lessons in life's challanges, to show gratitude for what I have instead of disappointment for what I didn't get, but damn it, this week I'm gettin' drunk!!

I've always been fairly confident that I'm going to go insane. Not crippling, send me to a loony-bin, bona fide crazy; more like a heartbreak induced nervous breakdown causing me to call everyone snoopy and wear my slippers in public but still, Reese as the eccentric old woman on the block is how I see myself in the future. I say eccentric because I will, of course, be wealthy.

For example: Today in the office I heard someone "pssst" at me. I turned around but nobody was there. I heard it again, "pssst". I stood on my tiptoes and peeked over the cubicle wall and again, not a soul. Naturally I assumed the dementia was setting in and continued my work, noting when I heard the "pssst", but not wasting any more energy looking for the source. It wasn't until about an hour before I was leaving the office that I realized it was my left wrist with its bands of bangles grazing my desktop that was causing the sound. Cuckoo!

Snakes on a Plane!

I thought I had posted these pix way back in August but I just found them saved as a draft.


Snakes in Amy's mouth!

Brett arrives for back-up

I lamost got kicked out for taking this shot

San Franciscans love an excuse to dress up

I found this costume the very next day!

Snakes everywhere!

It's not what you say, but how you say it.

Reese speaks up in the big corporate meeting, slamming her fist on the table for emphasis. "I think we should putting more resources into sediment interactive applications! And who can give me a straight answer regarding the bundle dendritic peripheries"?! Thunderous applause from everyone and whispers sweep the room, "She's absolutely right"! and "That girl's going places"!

Sound important and create your own bullshit here.

12 more days!

I know I'm supposed to be in the moment, but can you blame me for counting down the days until I get to stay here?!
Here is a list of perks I'll enjoy, as well as a few indulging spa treatments!

*Self-guided VIP tour of the local Pacific Star Winery, perched on one of the most spectacular ocean bluffs in the world.
*2 nights in a luxury suite with wood-burning fireplace, scenic vistas, fully stocked honor bar, Temper-Pedic sleep system, and much more!
*Soak in a private hot tub nestled along the canyon rim, while watching the sunset over the Pacific Ocean, with complimentary Navarro Chardonnay chilled on ice waiting for you there.
*Wake each morning to a gourmet lavish breakfast served in our award winning dining room.
*Complimentary Wireless Internet throughout resort
*FREE long-distance
*Cable TV with HBO
*Long-Range Cordless Phone & 2-Line Desk Speakerphone
*Free Laptop for use during stay
*Free Digital Camera for use during stay
*Premium Spa Amenities by Hermes, Paris.
*Plush Chenille Logo Spa Robes for use during stay

I've decided

this city is too fucking small.

I heart the 80's

Saturday I was invited to an 80's party, and since I was extremely hung over from the night before, I decided I would take a disco nap, don ye old Madonna garb and be done with it. My friend who invited me said she would send me the evite with all the details so just before I laid down I looked at the email and saw the disclaimer: Madonna is Uninvited! Well I couldn't very well show up to a gay man's 'Dress as your favorite female from the 80's' party and come as the one icon he specifically requested I not! So with three hours before stores closed I headed into SF on a mission, and gathered enough materials for a simple and sweet version of the one female from the 80's who I believe had it goin' on! Check out pix here.

I found this video so funny, I peed a little.

What does it say about your day when you're humming "Blame it on the rain" before 10am?

Last month Bri came out from Phoenix to see Breakfast at Tiffany's in Union Square. I told her that San Franciscans are known for their flair and love of costumes, so we dressed up Audrey style and camped out in comfy chairs with champagne and snacks. We ended up being the only people dressed up (so disappointed in the queens of SF) but we had a blast and Bri got to see her favorite movie on the big screen.

Made ya laugh

Go see Little Miss Sunshine right now!

Factoids

Every so often a co-worker and I post random facts about ourselves on our cubicles. Here are my latest.

Particular color combinations evoke an adverse physical reaction within me
I am allergic to my own sweat
When I chew gum, I separate it into two pieces and chew one on each side
I grew four inches in just over a year right after high school
I have two brothers named David
I suffer from coulrophobia
I am obsessed with things that glow

Terms of Endearment

My Current Nicknames

Queen Reese
Reesey
Reesey Poo
R dub
Reeser
Reester
Reesling
Reeslet
Miss Reese
Risza
Reesa
Mrs McReese
Reese-a-Roni
Piglet
Poopy Jr

Pig Pen

So on Sunday I went on a date with my Missed Connection. Notice there is no exclamation point for this date. There were however exclamations galore in my head, like, "My god! How much can one man smoke in a four hour period"?! and "Perhaps I should add the Department of Sanitation's phone number to my speed dial for such emergencies". He was mind blowingly slovenly. He used the top of his book shelf as an ashtray, and you know those mats people put on the floor around the toilet? His was made of pubic hair. After I refused his sexual advances he made sure to tell me it wasn't really in his plan to spend $75 on dinner that night. I'm assuming he wanted me to write him a check or spread my legs. I won't reveal his name directly, but I will say that anyone who's been asked out by one of the door guys for The Hemlock or Cassanova should make sure he's not a chain-smoking film student from Boston!

At long last; the Japan report

Let me start by saying, I was drunk at least once a day for 21 days. The Japanese like their hooch. And they enjoy the good stuff like soju and sake which for me, doesn't usually result in over drunkenness or hangovers. So essentially, it's an alcoholic's paradise. See for yourself.
The very first night my friend's parents took us out to dinner. Everyone was understandably worried whether or not I would enjoy Japanese cuisine. I mentioned that I like sushi, and before I knew it, one of the cute little silver fish in the tank next to us was on our table sashimi style. The head was on the plate. His mouth was still opening and closing. The tail kept moving.
Japanese television is hysterical. Sumo wrestling matches, home shopping channels, soap operas and lots of variety shows. You'll turn on what you think is a game show, and the next minute they’re reviewing food; and before it's all over you'll see a musical number, pet tricks, and an infomercial for this. Most of the commercials are for beer, green tea or mobile phones, and contain an adorable animated animal. My favorite is an ad for...hell I don't know, where these three little koalas come out and do a groovy ass-shakin' dance, and proceed to remove their noses which they then use at mobile phones. I finally just got the link to them and I found out the commerical is for car insurance.
Here’s a snippet of funny tv. Late night tv provides the Japanese with a show on learning English. One night we found the show taking place in an office setting teaching the phrases, “I’m fed up”. And “Do it yourself”. Leave it to us to kill the sweet obliging nature of the far East.
When you enter stores and restaurants in Japan you’re greeted by employees calling out, “Irrasshaimase” (pronounce Irra-sha-ma-say). It can also be used when trying to lure people into establishments. To hear what it sounds like when you’re in a mall and within earshot of about eight different shops shouting the greeting, who are also blasting varying hyper-techno music, click here.
Customer Service in Japan is heavenly. We were in the train station one day and accidentally purchased tickets when we already had a Japan Rail Pass. We asked a ticket taker if there was anything we could do, and she suggested pressing the call button on the ticket machine; she said someone would be over to help us. So we pressed the button and kept an eye out for someone who would be walking over to help us, when a woman popped out of a panel in the wall surrounding the ticket machine. “Nobody sees the wizard! Not nobody not no how”! In less than a minute we had cash back for our blunder. Later when we were on the train and I was using the toilet, I saw a call button next to the sink. I cracked myself up imagining where the toilet service rep might pop out of! And speaking of toilets…
Japanese bathrooms were an experience all their own. The first unique feature I found was a button and speaker on the stall wall, similar to an intercom, and when the button is pushed it emits the sound of running water so others can’t hear…well, so all others can hear is running water. Other facilities were much more elaborate. An arm rest attached to the toilet with options of sound, scent, and varying degrees of bidet. The one time I was adventurous enough to meddle with the bidet feature was a scene out of The Three Stooges. The instant the stream made contact, it tickled so badly that I leapt off the bowl and water saturated my pants, splashed against the stall door and left a telling puddle on the floor.
We went out one night to a Tokyo fashion/fetish show. We certainly didn’t see anything that would shock anyone who’s been living in San Francisco for seven years, but it was interesting seeing the Japanese take on it. Everything was very cutesy. The outfits, the décor, and even when two girls dripped hot wax on each other on stage, the one on the receiving end was nodding and giggling rather than moaning or acting erotic. The scene was a great mix of jovial Europeans and Japanese, and the music kept me wiggling. Several Japanese men wanted their picture taken with me (being a round eye and all) and one gentleman told me, “Japan and America best friends. I want American wife. You are very beautiful”. If only American men were so direct.
We stumbled upon the most adorable café in the world, (okay the cutest I’ve seen on four continents) in Harajuku. It’s in the basement of an unassuming office building, sharing the floor with a dingy Chinese restaurant. It’s very tiny, seating about 12-15, warmly lit, with shelves floor to ceiling filled with children’s books. The tableware was vintage American so it was more than peculiar to be 10,000 miles away from home, in a subterranean Japanese café, only to be drinking tea from a U.S. Navy issued mug that I had used as a child that my dad swiped off his submarine.
We rode the Shinkansen down the coast to Kyoto and Hiroshima. One night we stayed a night at a hot springs resort in Izu that was surreal. Waterfalls, 28 natural hot springs (two in caves) and a warm lap pool, all set in the lush green forest next to a creek. On the night of a famous festival we took a night time stroll to a waterfall guided by paper lanterns. It was haunting and romantic in the most beautiful way.
I had one of the most fascinating conversations I’ve ever had in my life with my friend’s mother regarding Japanese sounds. Animal sounds, weather sounds, motion sounds and for the Japanese, even adjective sounds. Since I live to communicate I found it revelatory! Here are a few examples:
pig : bu-bu (boo-boo)
dog : wan wan ( one one )
something slippery : tsuru tsuru(tsulu tsulu)
something sparkly : kila kila
rain ( hard) : zaa zaa
rain ( little ) : shito shito
sunny : san san
wind ( strong ) : byu byu ( view view )
wind ( weak ) : soyo soyo

Here are some of my favorite general words/phrases I learned while I was there:
sugoi-wow

samui-cold

atsui-hot

chotto-little

ooki-big

onaka suita-i'm hungry

onaka nemui-i'm tired

kawaii-cute

kowaii-scary (very distinct pronunciation from kawaii, and makes people giggle when you use the wrong one when trying to compliment a newborn baby)

oishii-tastes good

okashi-funny

utskushi-beautiful

honto-really?

ne-added to the end of a word for emphasis like when it's 100 degrees you say "atsui ne" which is roughly "It's hot as hell right"?

watashi mo-me too

amai-sweet

konpeki-perfect

kusai-stinky

diskii-i really like it

chotto baka-a little stupid

jodan-just kidding

demo-but

daego bu-i'm okay

The Japanese culture as a whole is orderly, polite, creative and comical. I find most people to be friendly when I travel, and the Japanese add pride, integrity and humor that I felt really close to. And of course, my friend’s family and friends: her parents were thoughtful and nurturing, and her sister, a new mother to precious a baby boy, was a delight. Her friends were comfortable and very entertaining. I’m hoping to venture to Nihon again in the fall to experience the colors, smells and tastes of another season there. Thank you again Ayano and Chris for your generosity and making this amazing experience possible.

I hope my brother never wins an Oscar

His acceptance speech, while witty, could be quite incriminating. He posted a myspace bulletin thanking everyone for wishing him a Happy Birthday and this was his message to me:
To Reese,
You know you're important when your sister gets hit by a car, has a root canal, goes to work, gabs all night with old friends, then puts you on hold to try to get a piece of ass! Wait, there was a point there somewhere.

I sooooo look like I'm up to no good

Take it from the bridge

I actually had this requested of me for the first time last weekend. I recorded my voice over demo in LA and I was somehow brave enough to include a snippet of 'song style vocals'. I wrote parody lyrics to "My Favorite Things". It went a little somethin' like this:

New shoes and ice cream and yard sales and cocktails
Long baths and handbags and good times with gal pals
Men who will bow as I walk down the street
These are a few of my favorite things.
When my job sucks
When my date's late
When I break a nail
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel insane.

You know you're in the Bay Area

when you see a bumper sticker that reads 'Home Sweet Homebirth'.

I love the community that is Craigslist. I really do. Monday I was on the bus on my way to class, and I sat across from a really cute boy. I felt myself turn red and I had to hold back the giggles. I tried not to stare, but the glancing was uncontrollable. I stepped off the bus with my friend and I mocked fanning myself, exclaiming he was a hottie. I then turned red again when I noticed the bus hadn't pulled away. He caught my gesture and was laughing at me. Okay with me. I went to Craigslist the next day to post a Missed Connection, but there was already one there for me! We chatted briefly Tuesday night and we’re going to meet up this weekend. Could it be…My first date in almost five months?!!

All in one day

I learned that I should not assume the following: that my co-worker has the perfect marriage, that a friend of mine would never accept a happy ending to her massage at an upscale day spa, and that a co-worker who has been a lesbian for 30 years would ever never be diggin' the dick again.

We've All Made Mistakes

Ahhhhhh, puberty.



Did I ever mention I dated a Mofia head?



I didn't have the quintessential horror of a prom dress. However it WAS horrifying when my date's ex of four years arrived in the same dress.



I got at least 4 inches with this baby.

Johnny Knoxville and George Clooney have the same sexy voice. Just thought I'd share.

I don't know what was more shocking: hearing E.U.'s "Doin' da butt" in 2006 or the girl singing it referring to me as that 'lady' when she heard me laughing out loud. I still feel 12, how can I be seen as a 'lady'?

Spying on Humanity

Friday August 11th - 8:30am - Montgomery Bart station platform

I observed a man in his late thirties, appeared to be Latin, wearing brown slacks, a striped button down shirt and sunglasses. He slightly resembled Johnny Depp. He had a goatee that was split in two and braided with two white beads on the ends.
I could use this look on stage when trying to portray a dressed down Jack Sparrow.

Spying on Humanity

Thursday August 3rd - 9:30am - Montgomery Bart station platform

A fifty-something man with long gray hair tied back in a ponytail reaches around, grabs his ponytail, puts the bottom three or four inches in his mouth, and munches on it with his lips covering his teeth. For a very long time.
I could use these characteristics on stage when playing someone with no couth.

Observations

In my high school drama class, our teacher would assign weekly observations. We'd stand in front of the class and state who/what/when/where we observed a person doing something noteworthy, and how we would use those characteristics on stage. I'm bringing observations back. They'll be called Spying on Humanity.

This may be old, but it's new to me.

Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics; you might win but you're still retarded.

"Bjork's daughter is playing in my bouncy house, my bouncy house"

100 kids, 2 bouncy houses and a pony was too much for little Isadora to pass up. So as the happy family walked by our celebration in Golden Gate Park Saturday, Bjork and Matthew's offspring made a mad dash for some fun. I was in the smaller of the bouncy houses (watching the kids for safety's sake of course) when my friend walked over and whispered through the netting, "Don't look now, but Bjork is here and her daughter is coming into the bouncy house". I discreetly looked out onto the lawn and sure enough, there she was with her hubby, watching their little munchkin jump and squeal.

A-list kiddie parties. This is how I roll, y'all.

I was in my grammy's favorite restaurant, the Moonlight, when I overheard two young girls talking.
Blonde: How old are you?
Brunette:19.
Blonde: Wow, I didn't realize you were that old.
Brunette: I'm not THAT old.
Blonde: What?! I didn't say you were like 30 or something.

Young at Heart

Last night I was making goo goo eyes at this cute guy on Bart. I was delighted when he struck up conversation but I was dejected when I learned he's 19 frickin' years old. He said he thought I was about 23. Now I'm confident I look youthful for my age, but by 10 years?! God bless him for the compliment; I'll take it!

Read between the lines

I am officially Wells Fargo's bitch. But it's good. Tons of great perks and I like who I work with; just an adjustment not being a free agent anymore. My boss asked me to write a little blurb about myself that she can use in a 'New Team Member Accouncement' thing.
Reese [who hails from the quintessential white-trash upbringing and a background in video stores and surf shops] fled from Virginia to California in 1998 where she rocked the commercial real estate world [and tolerated the belligerence and chauvinism of the middle-aged white man] as a Revenue Coordinator for Grubb and Ellis until 2002. She then applied her outstanding project management skills to the Interior Designer circuit for two years [catering to the whims of spoiled coke addicts] as an Office Manager/Expeditor. She came to us almost two years ago after spending six months traveling to Hawaii and throughout Europe [blowing a small inheritance while chasing a man around the globe].

Bay to Breakers 2006

I saw the biggest penis of my life. Yeah yeah yeah, it was a warm sunny day, I spent it with good friends, I saw tons of creative costumes yadda yadda yadda. A huge, beautiful penis I said. My memory is a little 'fuzzy' but I'm told I jumped up and down with glee and then bowed at his girlfriend's feet. Come on! It was 8am and I was already drunk on scotch!

Pix here. Unfortunately none of the penis.

My friend and I have a running joke about Pearl Necklaces. I wrote this today. To be sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it".

When your neck is feeling flaky scratch it off. When your neck is seeming sticky wipe it off. When your collar's looking oozy and you're feeling like a floozy, when your clavicle is pasty he got off!

Well my relationship with Banana Man may not have progressed but my cubicle decor, aka The Banana Shrine, has taken on a life all its own. It all started with exhibit A. After Banana Man visited our office, I pinned the message that was wrapped around the banana he gave me as a memento of his cuteness. Plus I was the one who requested the cheesy message and it made me laugh. Next up exhibit B. One of my co-workers drew a cute little sketch from a comment her boyfriend made in the car one day; "The banana eater in the RAV4 heads to the West". It was random yet related, and I LOVED it. Exhibit C is the Fruitguys newsletter that came in our fruit basket the day before the big date. Every week the owner spotlights a different fruit and this one was coincidentally all about bananas. D was a standard thank you card given to me with one little embellishment added for my benefit. It looked right at home next to the sketch. I found exhibit E two days after our date, stuck to a dvd that a friend returned. The pink side is supposed to depict me meditating, with a caption that reads, "I heart big bananas"! The blue side is obviously the giant walking fruit exclaiming, "I found the woman of my dreams"! Exhibit F came from a friend, long after all hope of a second date was gone, but was applicable nonetheless. It's an excerpt from a box of hair color instructions stating, "If your highlighted/lightened hair is: Pale Yellow (like the inside of a banana) or Yellow (like the outside of a banana)...I've been coloring my hair for 18 years and I have never seen a manufacturer acknowledging the association between blond hair color and bananas before; it had to be included. And the latest addition, exhibit G, came after a visit to Starbucks with a friend, when I was feeling slightly dejected over being blown off by a man who wears a banana suit, and the new Summer display was all about the new Banana Frappuccino. I grumbled and pointed at the chalkboard indicating my annoyance AND interest in taking a picture of it, when I looked over and saw a pad of 'Take One' flyers that would work just as well.
How long can we keep this going?!

I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I hate whining I HATE WHINING

I sure can pick 'em!

Man oh man, you go out on one date with a guy who wears a banana suit and you get bombarded with a bunch of banana references. "Be careful, he bruises easily". "He's cute, don't let him slip away". "Do you find him appealing"? "This IS San Francisco, it figures you'd find a fruit". I've gotten emails with links to this and this, and my myspace comments seem to have a theme.
The date was great. And if I don't hear from him, at the very least I finally had my first pleasant dating experience in about 10 months!

Yellow Fever

Never before has a man wore a banana costume with such appeal. Contact The Fruitguys and you too can be visited by a super handsome, giant walking banana.

Rock Star in Training

I've been asked to sing back up for a friend's band. It's going to take a lot of practice, but I'm thrilled beyond words! The gig is in late July; I'll post details when I have them.

I look like WHAT?!

This is amusing. Google the phrase "(Your name) looks like" and find the best one from the first page of results. Don't forget to put it in quotes, otherwise it won't work.

My favorite was "Reese looks like a cross between a cartoon duckling and a revolutionary Bolshevik". But here were a few other ticklers:

"Reese looks like she has bad breath".

"Reese looks like a pimp".

"Reese looks like a normal person, not a silly Barbie".

"Reese looks like she wants to devour Jack".

"Reese looks like your average 7th grader".

For Fuck's Sake why don't people just answer the question that's been asked. I will worry about the next step, priority, method, and everything else that comes after the simple one-word answer I'm looking for!

V for Vendetta

is fantastic. I highly recommend seeing it on the IMAX. Just sit far enough back that you're not turning your head from left to right to see all of the screen!

You Learn Something New Every Day

And today I learned a little bit about press checks. Not only should I be inspecting the quality and integrity of the images that we're having printed, but I should also be confirming that the vendor is using the proper paper stock. I'm damn lucky that WF isn't taking my $7,000 mistake out of my check!

Alcoholoroscopes

ARIES
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely.Oops!

SCORPIO
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.

I heart USAA

If you have any affiliation with the military, sign up for every USAA service you can. You can find out if you're eligible on their site. I just got a whole year of renter's insurance, covering me up to $31,000 (including earthquake!), for $200! I also signed up for free checking and savings and when I say free, I mean free. You can use any ATM in the world and USAA won't charge you a fee, and at the end of the month USAA will refund you any ATM fees that you had to agree to to use another bank's ATM! Christ, I sound like Tom going nuts about Katie!

It's one in the morning. Do you know who's searching for you?

I can't remember for the life of me who got me started on myspace, but DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Because of a huge circumstantial SNAFU Friday night, I wound up missing the boat back to Oakland. I had to stay with someone I don't know very well, and when I walked into his house at 3:30 in the morning, my drug dealer from six years ago was sitting on his sofa. Aaahhhh, it all comes full circle doesn't it folks?

"Are you there Margaret? It's me, Reese"

This seems to be happening lately when I go out for a big night of drinking; I find a new name and number in my cell phone and I have no recollection of who it is. It typically turns out to be a friend's info but when I'm tipsy and punching on the keypad, the spelling is compromised; I'm not a dexterous texter. I don't get so drunk that I have blackouts (often), but of course there are snippets of conversations that I'm reminded of later that had escaped me. This weekend I found "Mag" in my phone. I was too chicken to call it, so a friend did it for me and the voicemail is for a Margaret. I have NO idea!

I wish you all the best JB. But if you change your mind...

Happiness

is when your friend's toddler learns to say your name.

We're going here, and then here. You in?

Soooooooo High!!!

Sunday morning wigglng at The End Up! I love you Dirthertz!! No really, I love you!!

10) Giving the guy at the door of the Cat Club my admission, only to
learn he was just a guy sitting by the door (Luckily he was honest)

9) The guy in the vinyl goth jacket and eyeliner. Hello? Yes it's
1982, they want their look back

8) The aspiring exotic dancer practicing against the mirrored walls

7) Emily's crawlin' on the floor dance moves (and rallying after being
in her jammies)

6) Colleen's sage wisdom on virtue in the cab

5) Richard's ability to continue to take photos after 6 hours of drinking

4) Ali's colorful parade of dancing partners

3) Having a girl who is out with her boyfriend tell me I that can be
her Lipstick Girl for the night

2) After talking for two minutes, a gay guy telling Robin that he went
down on a girl for the first time recently and "It tasted like
chicken"

1) Getting asked out by a tranny

photographic evidence

Thursday night is ON!!

A little artsy fartsy First Thursday, public humiliation at The Mint, and partying like it's 1999 at the Kat Club for 80's night. Join us. Won't you?

A quick note from Peru

I will never take toilet paper, running water or electricity for granted again.