I hope my brother never wins an Oscar

His acceptance speech, while witty, could be quite incriminating. He posted a myspace bulletin thanking everyone for wishing him a Happy Birthday and this was his message to me:
To Reese,
You know you're important when your sister gets hit by a car, has a root canal, goes to work, gabs all night with old friends, then puts you on hold to try to get a piece of ass! Wait, there was a point there somewhere.

I sooooo look like I'm up to no good

Take it from the bridge

I actually had this requested of me for the first time last weekend. I recorded my voice over demo in LA and I was somehow brave enough to include a snippet of 'song style vocals'. I wrote parody lyrics to "My Favorite Things". It went a little somethin' like this:

New shoes and ice cream and yard sales and cocktails
Long baths and handbags and good times with gal pals
Men who will bow as I walk down the street
These are a few of my favorite things.
When my job sucks
When my date's late
When I break a nail
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel insane.

You know you're in the Bay Area

when you see a bumper sticker that reads 'Home Sweet Homebirth'.

I love the community that is Craigslist. I really do. Monday I was on the bus on my way to class, and I sat across from a really cute boy. I felt myself turn red and I had to hold back the giggles. I tried not to stare, but the glancing was uncontrollable. I stepped off the bus with my friend and I mocked fanning myself, exclaiming he was a hottie. I then turned red again when I noticed the bus hadn't pulled away. He caught my gesture and was laughing at me. Okay with me. I went to Craigslist the next day to post a Missed Connection, but there was already one there for me! We chatted briefly Tuesday night and we’re going to meet up this weekend. Could it be…My first date in almost five months?!!

All in one day

I learned that I should not assume the following: that my co-worker has the perfect marriage, that a friend of mine would never accept a happy ending to her massage at an upscale day spa, and that a co-worker who has been a lesbian for 30 years would ever never be diggin' the dick again.

We've All Made Mistakes

Ahhhhhh, puberty.



Did I ever mention I dated a Mofia head?



I didn't have the quintessential horror of a prom dress. However it WAS horrifying when my date's ex of four years arrived in the same dress.



I got at least 4 inches with this baby.

Johnny Knoxville and George Clooney have the same sexy voice. Just thought I'd share.

I don't know what was more shocking: hearing E.U.'s "Doin' da butt" in 2006 or the girl singing it referring to me as that 'lady' when she heard me laughing out loud. I still feel 12, how can I be seen as a 'lady'?

Spying on Humanity

Friday August 11th - 8:30am - Montgomery Bart station platform

I observed a man in his late thirties, appeared to be Latin, wearing brown slacks, a striped button down shirt and sunglasses. He slightly resembled Johnny Depp. He had a goatee that was split in two and braided with two white beads on the ends.
I could use this look on stage when trying to portray a dressed down Jack Sparrow.

Spying on Humanity

Thursday August 3rd - 9:30am - Montgomery Bart station platform

A fifty-something man with long gray hair tied back in a ponytail reaches around, grabs his ponytail, puts the bottom three or four inches in his mouth, and munches on it with his lips covering his teeth. For a very long time.
I could use these characteristics on stage when playing someone with no couth.

Observations

In my high school drama class, our teacher would assign weekly observations. We'd stand in front of the class and state who/what/when/where we observed a person doing something noteworthy, and how we would use those characteristics on stage. I'm bringing observations back. They'll be called Spying on Humanity.

This may be old, but it's new to me.

Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics; you might win but you're still retarded.

"Bjork's daughter is playing in my bouncy house, my bouncy house"

100 kids, 2 bouncy houses and a pony was too much for little Isadora to pass up. So as the happy family walked by our celebration in Golden Gate Park Saturday, Bjork and Matthew's offspring made a mad dash for some fun. I was in the smaller of the bouncy houses (watching the kids for safety's sake of course) when my friend walked over and whispered through the netting, "Don't look now, but Bjork is here and her daughter is coming into the bouncy house". I discreetly looked out onto the lawn and sure enough, there she was with her hubby, watching their little munchkin jump and squeal.

A-list kiddie parties. This is how I roll, y'all.

I was in my grammy's favorite restaurant, the Moonlight, when I overheard two young girls talking.
Blonde: How old are you?
Brunette:19.
Blonde: Wow, I didn't realize you were that old.
Brunette: I'm not THAT old.
Blonde: What?! I didn't say you were like 30 or something.

Young at Heart

Last night I was making goo goo eyes at this cute guy on Bart. I was delighted when he struck up conversation but I was dejected when I learned he's 19 frickin' years old. He said he thought I was about 23. Now I'm confident I look youthful for my age, but by 10 years?! God bless him for the compliment; I'll take it!

Read between the lines

I am officially Wells Fargo's bitch. But it's good. Tons of great perks and I like who I work with; just an adjustment not being a free agent anymore. My boss asked me to write a little blurb about myself that she can use in a 'New Team Member Accouncement' thing.
Reese [who hails from the quintessential white-trash upbringing and a background in video stores and surf shops] fled from Virginia to California in 1998 where she rocked the commercial real estate world [and tolerated the belligerence and chauvinism of the middle-aged white man] as a Revenue Coordinator for Grubb and Ellis until 2002. She then applied her outstanding project management skills to the Interior Designer circuit for two years [catering to the whims of spoiled coke addicts] as an Office Manager/Expeditor. She came to us almost two years ago after spending six months traveling to Hawaii and throughout Europe [blowing a small inheritance while chasing a man around the globe].

Bay to Breakers 2006

I saw the biggest penis of my life. Yeah yeah yeah, it was a warm sunny day, I spent it with good friends, I saw tons of creative costumes yadda yadda yadda. A huge, beautiful penis I said. My memory is a little 'fuzzy' but I'm told I jumped up and down with glee and then bowed at his girlfriend's feet. Come on! It was 8am and I was already drunk on scotch!

Pix here. Unfortunately none of the penis.

My friend and I have a running joke about Pearl Necklaces. I wrote this today. To be sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it".

When your neck is feeling flaky scratch it off. When your neck is seeming sticky wipe it off. When your collar's looking oozy and you're feeling like a floozy, when your clavicle is pasty he got off!

Well my relationship with Banana Man may not have progressed but my cubicle decor, aka The Banana Shrine, has taken on a life all its own. It all started with exhibit A. After Banana Man visited our office, I pinned the message that was wrapped around the banana he gave me as a memento of his cuteness. Plus I was the one who requested the cheesy message and it made me laugh. Next up exhibit B. One of my co-workers drew a cute little sketch from a comment her boyfriend made in the car one day; "The banana eater in the RAV4 heads to the West". It was random yet related, and I LOVED it. Exhibit C is the Fruitguys newsletter that came in our fruit basket the day before the big date. Every week the owner spotlights a different fruit and this one was coincidentally all about bananas. D was a standard thank you card given to me with one little embellishment added for my benefit. It looked right at home next to the sketch. I found exhibit E two days after our date, stuck to a dvd that a friend returned. The pink side is supposed to depict me meditating, with a caption that reads, "I heart big bananas"! The blue side is obviously the giant walking fruit exclaiming, "I found the woman of my dreams"! Exhibit F came from a friend, long after all hope of a second date was gone, but was applicable nonetheless. It's an excerpt from a box of hair color instructions stating, "If your highlighted/lightened hair is: Pale Yellow (like the inside of a banana) or Yellow (like the outside of a banana)...I've been coloring my hair for 18 years and I have never seen a manufacturer acknowledging the association between blond hair color and bananas before; it had to be included. And the latest addition, exhibit G, came after a visit to Starbucks with a friend, when I was feeling slightly dejected over being blown off by a man who wears a banana suit, and the new Summer display was all about the new Banana Frappuccino. I grumbled and pointed at the chalkboard indicating my annoyance AND interest in taking a picture of it, when I looked over and saw a pad of 'Take One' flyers that would work just as well.
How long can we keep this going?!