One Hundred and Eighty Degrees
Today I am so low, I want nothing more than to have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay.
I spoke to my youngest brother's father this morning. I don't know how much clearer I can convey to him how desperate the situation is. I've been telling him since February of this year, in graphic detail, the living conditions my brother, his son, has been living in with my lost it long ago mother. And yet as I balled my eyes out while on the phone with him, he said I must know something he doesn't if it's so bad to make me cry. He doesn't mind having to adjust his life to make room for Monty, but he says he cannot afford it. I just found out that he has a college aged son, and he pays for his tuition and car insurance. Frank says that alone takes about half of his monthly pay. I called Frank months ago regarding this because as his father, I wanted to give him the option of custody before I called social services to try and take custody of him myself, or before they put him in a foster home. I decide the fate of my brother's life. I don't know that I could provide an adequate life for him. I make enough to pay my bills and give myself small pleasures. I'd need money for his food, his clothes, child care, toys, activities, school supplies, medical care, and the countless other things that just come up. ......"Where's the humorous JupiterGIRL we all know and love"? This entry should have made it into my personal journal that I write each night. But I couldn't wait to release these woes from my noggin, and I didn't want to jot it down on paper and take the chance of someone here in the office finding it. So you're just going to have to deal with the reality that lies behind many upbeat postings. Am I ready to sacrifice my 30's to another sibling? I don't have any resentment towards Trey and K.C. It wasn't their fault that I became their make shift Mom when I was 15. And I didn't give it any thought, I just slipped into the role because they needed me. In addition to being a high school student with a part-time job I found time to cook their dinner, make their lunches, wash their clothes, dress them for school, and help with their homework. Maybe my 20's were for me, and now it's time for me to take care of someone else again. I didn't have a choice then, but now it's entirely my decision. Then my selfish voice speaks up. I am so happy with the life I have now. Sometimes things are going so well, I have to watch a sad movie to cry and keep the balance. I am truly blessed. I have an amazing circle of friends, I can provide for myself comfortably, I'm a social butterfly, I've just discovered a creative talent that I love and I'm actually good at, and who wants to date a 28 year-old woman with a 7 year-old? You know I'm the first person to find the optimistic side of semmingly hopeless, but I'm used to being a dating machine. I think I'd feel guilty flirting with someone just so that I can spring on them "By the way I have the responsibility of a school aged child". I'm sure there are plenty of nice guys who would be willing to accept this challenging situation. Can I post my ad on Craigslist now and get a head start? As I try to sit back in my chair and realax, the strength of of my heartbeat is so hard I'm involuntarily rocking back and forth.

My favorite thing today: Warm mugs of tea